Shut up, Herbal Essences

Since Herbal Essences re-emerged in the 90's its commercials have gotten more and more asinine.  The first commercials had women basically having orgasms in the shower while shampooing. Because as I think we all know, that happens on a regular basis. I literally cannot remember the last time I shampooed my hair without having a sexual experience. All women do. That's why we take so long in the shower.

Guys. You're welcome.

The newest commercials are equally as dumb. It's as if the Herbal Essences professionals have an advertising meeting and just start screaming "NO! NO! NO! We need this to more ridiculous! I want these ads to be so stupid that women are completely turned off from purchasing our product."

Then the advertising executives kind of shrug and say "well what if made up some stupid fantasy about shampoo?"

"BRILLANT. Let's start shooting tomorrow."

Then the ad executives leave, get wasted and drunkenly hammers together some of the stupidest copy to every exist.

I'm mostly picking on the newest commercial for "Honey I'm Strong" starring Z-list "celebrity" Nicole Sher-whatever, I can't even care to spell it properly, but I'm sure you know who I'm referring to.  The whole concept is so stupid that it has to ride the short bus. Apparently using this shampoo makes warriors stop fighting and start worshipping your hair. Which makes no sense. If it's supposed to be about being strong then why not have using the shampoo help her whoop some ass. Now that commercial I'd be into.

Not once has any woman ever picked up a bottle of shampoo and thought to herself "wow I'm instantly transported to a Moroccan cabana where well muscled men wash my hair with rose petals and coconut milk and then rub in pure jasmine oil while I'm dressed like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin."

And if woman have those thoughts and that's why they purchase Herbal Essences then what little hope I have left in humanity is completely gone.

Why Are There So Many Whores on Twitter? UPDATED

I recently joined Twitter.

(Don't be scared follow me @MatchmakerJane)

What I find really interested is that there are a surprising number of whores on Twitter.

I don't just mean Kim Kardashian - I mean actual whores. Like "hey watch me do myself with a zucchini on my web cam" kind of whores.

I'm confused about a few things:

1) Are they just cam girls or are they also actual whores?

        1a) If they are actual whores how does tweeting help their business?

2) Why are they following me on Twitter? I'm a chick and I have zero interest in checking out their ham pies. Nor am I going to retweet their ham pie pics for my followers.


3) Are people so lazy with looking for porn that they have to have it in their Twitter feed? Do we not have Google with billions of hits of pornography right at your fingertips? Can't you find just about anything you could possible be into like tentacle rape featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles. Are you really that lazy with masturbating that you can't open a new window and search? Why does it need to be on Twitter? If you are too lazy to search for pornography and thus have to have it in your Twitter feed then you desperately need to re-evaluate your life.

PS I just realized that someone is going to stumble upon this post looking for Tentacle Rape Videos featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles and is going to be sorely disappointed. So with that -

Dear Pornographer Explorer,

I commend your adventurous taste in masturbatory aids. Really, its quite creative. I simply strung together several things that I thought were completely nonsensical. But I think as we all are aware Internet Rule 34 is well in play.

Allow me to express a truly heart-felt apology. I certainly hope that stumbling across this blog did not deflate your urge for your particular fetish and I wish you luck in procuring the appropriate video.

Best of luck in you "do."

Jane

What the crap, Mio?

I don't know if you have seen these commercials, but they are utterly perplexing.

The premise is that there is some sort of jungle bar/hang out where all of the wild animals hang out and drink...Mio?

First of all, what the hell kind of business model is this? You own and operate a bar where your patrons are simply ordering water and filling it with their own product. How is this profitable? There is no notion in the commercial that the bar actually sells Mio. In fact, it seems that all they sell is water. How much could they possible be charging for water to cover their overhead?

Secondly, how often is the jungle police called to this place? You are seriously going to have a lion getting all hyped up on corn syrup and artificial colors next to a gazelle? Like that doesn't end in murder? Is this bar in a bad part of the jungle?

Thirdly, why would this commercial make me want to buy Mio? What is it selling me? The jungle bar lifestyle? Why would I want to be like a rhino or a judgmental ostrich?

And you know what's a fun thing to do at a bar Mio? Drink. Like alcohol. Not Mio. If I wanted to drink your shitty syrup I could stay home and do that from the comfort of my own home. No self respecting person is going to go to a bar to simply drink something from their house.

Get it together, Mio.

This Can't End Well...

So, I've been totally slacking in the posting department and I'm sorry. The truth is that I write plenty to post on her but not everything makes it through my filtering process. Why the hell are you people shocked? I do have a filtering system. In interest of proving that 1) I actually do write more than post and 2) that I have an actual filtration system (like a Brita!) here are two of the least disturbing posts that I chose to NOT post:

"Does anyone else find the new cheetos commercials completely disturbing?

What I basically get from these commercials is that eating copious amounts of cheetos does NOT make you obese, as previously believed. No, no, no. What it does is make you insane. My guess is that something inside of the orange powder conflicts with your neurons, adapters and chemicals in your brain effectively “shorting you out.” The result? You begin to see a tiny, smooth talking Chester Cheetah everywhere you go telling you to do bad things to people.

Granted the overly trendy girl saying “ew” ad nasuem was totally asking for it. But come on, wiping orange cheeto dust all over someone’s white jacket? That’s just uncalled for no matter how annoying they are. That cheeto dust is no joke. That stuff barely comes out of black sweat pants let only anything white. I basically throw a tarp down and eat on that whenever I choose to indulge in cheetos. I think its only smart to be responsible and hey, safety first! Right? If that’s the case maybe a bio hazard suit is more appropriate.

The point?

Those commercials are creepy as hell and seem more like they should be commercials for some sort of anti-psychotic. Because its not normal for a snack food to cause delusions. Isn’t that how that whole “Son of Sam” thing started? I’m not saying Cheetos caused that whole mess but you know, the whole “my dog told me to kill people” think is awfully similar to Chester Cheetah telling those enjoying his snack to do horrible things."

"

Is it just me or do most foreign languages sound like complete gibberish? I’m serious it just sounds like someone just making it up as they are going along. You know who is the biggest offender of this? Asian countries.

And while we are talking about it why do all Asian people smoke? Okay maybe not ALL Asian people but far and wide I always see Asian people smoking. Is it because they are trying to look cool? Because its not working.

Is that racist?

Just asking. "

So my question to you is fewer posts or crap like this?

That's what I thought

Self Esteem Boost! Feel Better About You're Life!

You know how sometimes you look around at the world and are all "what the fuck?" You know, because you feel like your life may potentially suck. Sure you've got real friends, Facebook friends, email friends and potentially imaginary friends (I'm not judging). But is it really enough? I sure as hell hope it is. If not, then I do in fact have the perfect product for you:


Yeah, it's EXACTLY what it looks like. Someone has created stickers that you can place on your iPhone that make it look like you have a text message. You know, for when having a tea party with your cats just isn't cutting it anymore.

I Can't Be the Only One, Right?

So we live in this lovely little age that has fun things like social networking. Which is great. It's fun to throw sheep at people and send snarky ass flair and letting your friends know every action you make.

But there is a dark side.

I know. SHOCK.

The problem lies in when people want to "friend" you and you have no damn clue who these people are. You investigate them as much as possible and find that they graduated from high school, college or elementary school - whatever- with you. You are drawing a complete blank on this person. You begin to panic and wonder if this person has been holding onto some special bond that you two shared. Which is kind of creepy that after all of these years of NOT talking NOT being friends.....anyway.

I always think that these people see me and begin flipping out "Oh My God there is Jane! We totally had AP French together and we were SO close senior year. Oh man, we had the bestest of times EVER! Oh man, I better friend her immediately!"

Then I get the request and I'm all "Who the hell are YOU? Let me take a look....oh we went to school together? Oh crap.....s/he looks vaguely familiar. .Oh no what do I do?" At this point I tend to vacillate between declining and accepting. Of course accepting gets me every time because I'm hoping that they will give me something, anything that explains just who the hell this person is.

Now I need a Xanax prescription because I'm scared to death that I'm going to run into people at the grocery store or Target who I'm now "friends" with. They'll be all "Jane! SO Good to see you!" I'll be all "WTF?" and throwing candy in my cart then having a total internal panic attack and just have to fake it through the whole thing. You know "Oh you! Hey! How are YOU?"

Of course during the whole conversation I would be trying to figure out how to get the hell out of this conversation. My eyes skirting the landscape looking for any kind of out. I would naturally begin franctically waving to a stranger and announce that "there's my ride - gots to biz-ounce" (because I think its important, when speaking to someone who YOU don't remember to make yourself as annoying as possible in order to ensure that the awkward "hey let me get your number" exchange doesn't happen.) Of course, since its me this person would inevitable follow me and check out right behind me thus ruining my "hey theres my ride" cover when the stranger I'm using begins to run away when I begin talking to them like we know each other. I mean really, why can't people just be cool?

Then I would be trapped in line for some long ass period of time while some person in front of me pays for their stuff in pennies. Thereby sucking me into a longer conversation with someone I don't know and then it gets to that awkward "we should SO get together again - this is JUST like old times." Really? REALLY? Back in high school did we awkwardly run into each other in public places while you corned me to ramble on about your boring ass life? Because if thats the case, no wonder I've forgotten all about you because, I know this may be a shock - but this? This? Not fun.

I would of course feel guilted into giving out my number and would do so. Then I would spend the next week or so freaking out every time my phone rings and refusing to answer calls from unknown numbers. Of course I would only be able to keep up the charade for so long before I would run into the "Unknown High School Chum" again and it would be awkward. But I think I know what I would say - you have to have a plan in situations like this. I would explain that I lost my phone and since I didn't have her number there was no way to call her and explain. Especially since my cell phone is my only phone. Then I would pretend that my new phone was vibrating in my pocket and pick it up and say convincingly "OH NO!" give my "chum" a concerned look and tell her that I have to go right away. I'll have tears welling in my eyes as I run out so that she won't chase me for my new number. Then I simply move to a new town and I'm out of that situation.

You're On Notice Saved by The Bell

What as the appeal of Zach Morris? The guy was super lame and had the dumbest lines ever yet girls threw themselves at him on a constant basis. Like really? I just don’t get the appeal. Whenever I watch Saved by the Bell I get completely taken out of the story and all I can focus on is why semi attractive woman seem to be falling all over themselves to get some of that. Zach was a total idiot and potentially a sociopath.

And why was it whenever they had a “special” Saved by the Bell (i.e., summer break work, Hawaii) Zach hooks up with some much older girl? What exactly is the age of consent in California, 12? Because I’m pretty sure a 27 year old making out with a 17 year old is not only disgusting but illegal. And seriously what grown ass woman is going to be pulled in by the charms of a sleezy 17 year old? How low is their self esteem? Inexplicably these woman tend to fall in love with Zach and turn to him for some kind of support or help. I mean come on. Is Saved by the Bell just a breeding ground for female sexual predators? Because it seems to me like they are really glamourizing it. I mean, what are we supposed to think its awesome with a 16 year old Zach lands an older chick? Where’s the episode where a 16 year old Lisa falls for a 30 year old guy? Of course that would be a very special episode. Where we would all learn about how older men prey on younger girls and she would end up getting beat up or something. But not Zach he just gets to make out and gets high fives.

I mean even when Kelly was what, 15 and dated the college guy Jeff no one batted an eye. Granted nothing untoward occured since Jeff was busy banging anything that moved that wasn't Kelly. Naturally, everyone was shocked that anyone would cheat on Kelly. Oh right, huge shocker that a 21 year old isn't going to cheat on his 15 year old girlfriend.

Um, what was my point?

Right.

What Saved by the Bell really taught young kids was that you just aren’t cool if you aren’t banging some older dude or chick.

Also it seemed like every show seemed to mention how poor Kelly’s family was yet she was constantly taking fancy vacations and never wore the same outfit twice. WTF Saved by the Bell? What kind of crap is that.

So, Could This Be a Sign of the End Times?

Okay, this website is really disturbing on a few fronts.

1) SERIOUSLY?

2) About 90% of the stuff is something I would totally go for on the first day of my period (yeah I know TMI but whateves)

3) The thought that some culinary mastermind came up with these dishes to begin with is insane to me. These pltes are all the true definition of food porn.

It was a different time, a simpler time, a time filled with easy loving hate.

What the hell is up with this?

This video raises several questions:

1)How exactly do you tell time with a clock populated with nothing but swastikas? Does it just mean it's Nazi time, all the time?

2) Was Walt Disney an anti-Semite?

3) Why is their a Mickey Rooney "Breakfast at Tiffany's" era Japanese fella in Nazi regalia?

4) Were talking, pantsless ducks considered part of the Master race?

Discuss.

PS Sorry that I'm not technologically fancy enough to embed a video. We all have our limitations.

When Will This Ever STOP Being Funny?

House: Proving All Doctors Are Incomptent

I’m going to be brave and just come out and say it.

Every single episode of “House” is exactly the same.

There.

I’ve done what all of you were too afraid to do. That’s right bitches I’m calling out House.

Here is how it goes:

Symptoms present

House and his team meet –they come up with a diagnosis

Someone on the team (House or another member) argues against the majority rule

They break into the patients house (Why can’t they just ask for approval to check it out? Why is it always a B & E?)

They were wrong about their initial diagnosis

The team and House come up with three or four other things that it could be and just treat the shit out of the patient, which of course backfires

The above leads to near death or some sort of surgery that shows them just how wrong they have been all along about what’s wrong

House randomly solves the medical puzzle and the person is totally fine

End of Show.

BAM. That’s it.

Oh and there is always a fight between House and Cuddy.

Why yes, I did just watch a House marathon – why do you ask?

Sometimes I Get My Panties in an Uproar

Okay.

The “stylist” from Confessions of a Teen Idol looks HORRIBLE.

She is trashing these guys down and she looks like she rummaged her blouse out of the bargain bin at RAVE from 1993 and she is telling people they look “early 2000.”

Yeah.

Note to “Jen the Stylist”: Layered necklaces? OVER. Ruffled, sheer blouses? OVER.

And Jen? Your makeup looks late 1990’s.

Stop with the cunt face and shut it.

PS I’m not mad at Jen for trashing the guys on the shows. I’m mostly mad at her for trashing people for looking bad when she looks TERRIBLE.

PPS I mean seriously, that green ruffled blouse she is wearing I swear I remember digging on that back in 1995 at NY & Company.

PPPS What “celebrities” does she dress? Because I seriously wouldn’t let this bitch dress my dog.

Is Plan B Promoting Promiscuity AND Abortions?

Now, before the hate emails start pouring in let me just say I’m all for Plan B.
But the commercial? WTF?

So perplexed.

It shows the girls walking up alone – which hi what kind of low rent boyfriend leaves after the condom breaks? Maybe after getting that Plan B you should evaluate the state of your relationship honey. Maybe while swallowing that pill you should be asking yourself “if my boyfriend really loved me would he have bolted the second the condom broke? Would he have run out the door whilst putting on his pants while I sobbed hysterically rocking back and forth?”

FYI – The answer is if you’re boyfriend cared at all he wouldn’t also be banging your best friend.

But I digress.

After presumably taking Plan B they show the girls go about with their lives. One is getting take out and chatting on her phone, another is painting her toe nails and the blonde girl is shopping for books with her boyfriend.

So? Are we to assume that the other girls are just total promiscuous whores who narrowly escaped getting knocked up by the guy that bought them an appletini and a blow job shot?

Because I’m pretty sure that’s what that commercial is saying.

Can't. Stop. Laughing. (Yes I'm twelve - shut it)

Please note the caption from fail blog

"Step One: Cut a Hole in the Box."

Which I guess means I also gots to link to this for those who are clueless.

Regardless this image has been making me laugh for ten minutes straights.

The Perfect Git for the Girl Who Has Just About Everything

What's this you ask?

Why it would be an artificial hymen, of course.

Perfect gift for the reformed slut! Or just about anyone!

I mean for only $14.99 who could afford to not buy it?

PS Seriously? Someone INVENTED this. Someone took time out of their day to think "gee I bet people would love to be able to buy an artificial hymen." Is this really the way to start out a relationship but lying and using blood filled plastic to do so?

S-T-O-P For Me

Dear "Bod Man" Fragrances,

Please stop.

Seriously.

Cease and desist.

I'm guessing your current excessive commerical run has something to do with the holidays and pushing that all important "guido girlfriend market" but please stop.

No one wants your bod. No one.

Your "male fragrance" smells like the creepy old guy at the club. No one wants to smell like that guy and no nubile, young thing wants that.

So, in conclusion, get the hell off my tv and stop showing 45 commercials during one single episode of Family Guy.

Sincerely,

Jane

PS Axe body spray - you're on notice

PPS How much does it say about me that by watching Family Guy I'm in the AXE and Bod Spray demographic?

PPPS Has anyone ever met an actual man who purchased Bod spray or actually wore it? Just curious. It just seems like one of those products that no one buys, yet they continue to advertise. Like Bod spray is some plucky company with an endless supply of cash. Like some guy just had a dream to make a particualrly heinous body spray for men and won't let go of the dream.

PPPPS I totally stole this format from Jenny

A Lifetime Pass to Dollywood PLUS Chicken and Biscuits? Who Would Say No?

Ever have a day, where you want to punch people in the head everywhere you go? But you can't, because that's felony assault and going to jail really cuts into your loafing and Tivo time?

Today was one of those days for me.

On a day like today I really wish Dolly Parton was my Aunt.

No. Really. Just imagine it. I'm having a bad day - you know when the doldrums are giving you a violent beating and maybe, just maybe, anally raping you. I roll over to Aunt Dolly's. For some reason I see her living in some big ass log cabin in the middle of the woods and envision being greeted by animatronic animals all along her driveway.

Don't judge - this is my fantasy.

I'd walk in and Aunt Dolly would flash a trillion watt smile and say "Hi Honey!" while holding a large basket of biscuits. I would drearily greet her and she'd snap on a concerned face and ask what was wrong. I'd settle in at her big kitchen table, she would fix me a big plate of food (fried chicken, country gravy and biscuits) and listen to all my troubles. When I would finish she would look at me thoughtfully and dish up some down home, back woods, folksy wisdom. You know, like Dr. Phil but without all the jackassery.

After the dishing of down home wisdom she would bear hug me until I nearly burst then send me on my way. I would feel better and wiser after my trip to Aunt Dolly's.

Plus I would get a lifetime pass to Dollywood and she'd probably let me try on her wigs!

WTF Is This Hot Mess?

NO.

FAIL.

NO AGAIN.

And what is up with the reviews? I mean, seriously?:

“Just had to try them once I saw them. They are easy to apply and last a LONG time. I only use the camo and leopard (haven't tried the zebra-looks a lil bit cheezy on box)”

[Um? Reviewer? They ALL look cheesy on the box.]

“Main reason was the leopard print. I love it and it's tricky to make it look professional, but once you blend it well it looks fantastic!”

[Tricky to make it look professional? Uh, no shit. Unless you work on the corner none of this mess is professional]

“i've heard the ColorOn eyeshadow appliques being talked up, but they are not as good as everyone says. It takes a LONG time to get them on so that they look half decent and for many women with busy lives like me, we just don't have time. Plus, don't you think they look a little weird?”

[The voice of reason.]

If any of you are interested in this $25 Sephora item find it here

Also just in time for the holidays you can get ColorOns in hooker blue decorated with snowflakes