Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Get Drunk Russian Style!

In order to assist you all with the frivolity of the evening ahead, I have decided to share with you an extra special're welcome.

Now what makes this drink so special, you may be asking yourself? Why its economical of course! With big, horrible, scary economic news looming around every corner you really, really need to get drunk. But, you need to get drunk on the cheap. Welcome to the after-one-sip-Hi!-I'm-drunk drink.

Items Required:

Reasonably sized glass or champagne flute

Fill half the glass with vodka and top the rest off with champagne.

This drink doesn't necessarily have a name - but what about Ivan Drago since it will knock you on your ass! (score! Rocky IV reference!)

Enjoy getting wasted on one cocktail!

Impress your friends and fellow party-goers with your smart and economically savvy type of being wasted.

Happy New Year's!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Perfect Git for the Girl Who Has Just About Everything

What's this you ask?

Why it would be an artificial hymen, of course.

Perfect gift for the reformed slut! Or just about anyone!

I mean for only $14.99 who could afford to not buy it?

PS Seriously? Someone INVENTED this. Someone took time out of their day to think "gee I bet people would love to be able to buy an artificial hymen." Is this really the way to start out a relationship but lying and using blood filled plastic to do so?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

S-T-O-P For Me

Dear "Bod Man" Fragrances,

Please stop.


Cease and desist.

I'm guessing your current excessive commerical run has something to do with the holidays and pushing that all important "guido girlfriend market" but please stop.

No one wants your bod. No one.

Your "male fragrance" smells like the creepy old guy at the club. No one wants to smell like that guy and no nubile, young thing wants that.

So, in conclusion, get the hell off my tv and stop showing 45 commercials during one single episode of Family Guy.



PS Axe body spray - you're on notice

PPS How much does it say about me that by watching Family Guy I'm in the AXE and Bod Spray demographic?

PPPS Has anyone ever met an actual man who purchased Bod spray or actually wore it? Just curious. It just seems like one of those products that no one buys, yet they continue to advertise. Like Bod spray is some plucky company with an endless supply of cash. Like some guy just had a dream to make a particualrly heinous body spray for men and won't let go of the dream.

PPPPS I totally stole this format from Jenny

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Lifetime Pass to Dollywood PLUS Chicken and Biscuits? Who Would Say No?

Ever have a day, where you want to punch people in the head everywhere you go? But you can't, because that's felony assault and going to jail really cuts into your loafing and Tivo time?

Today was one of those days for me.

On a day like today I really wish Dolly Parton was my Aunt.

No. Really. Just imagine it. I'm having a bad day - you know when the doldrums are giving you a violent beating and maybe, just maybe, anally raping you. I roll over to Aunt Dolly's. For some reason I see her living in some big ass log cabin in the middle of the woods and envision being greeted by animatronic animals all along her driveway.

Don't judge - this is my fantasy.

I'd walk in and Aunt Dolly would flash a trillion watt smile and say "Hi Honey!" while holding a large basket of biscuits. I would drearily greet her and she'd snap on a concerned face and ask what was wrong. I'd settle in at her big kitchen table, she would fix me a big plate of food (fried chicken, country gravy and biscuits) and listen to all my troubles. When I would finish she would look at me thoughtfully and dish up some down home, back woods, folksy wisdom. You know, like Dr. Phil but without all the jackassery.

After the dishing of down home wisdom she would bear hug me until I nearly burst then send me on my way. I would feel better and wiser after my trip to Aunt Dolly's.

Plus I would get a lifetime pass to Dollywood and she'd probably let me try on her wigs!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What Happens When Idiots Roam Free?

Today I actually had time to run errands and of course, because my life is glamorous, I get caught behind the dumbest person ever. No seriously. I've never heard such a conversation before in my life.

Let me set the scene.

It's me standing in line at the bank. There are only two tellers (yeah wow that merger has really made my bank better! I'm looking at you TD Bank) and one of the tellers is occupied with something stupid and so is the other teller.

Here is the actual conversation:

Dumbass: Um, so when I like select debit the money comes out of my checking account, right?
(This starry eyed dumb ass is using her debit card as a prop)

Obscenely Patient Teller: Yes, that's correct Miss

Dumbass: But when I like select credit, it comes out of savings, right?

OPT: No. The money comes out of your checking account

Dumbass: But they told me that's how it works! (Her lip begins to quiver)

OPT: I'm sorry it doesn't work that way.

Dumbass: So, um, how does this work again (she is pointing at the debit card)

OPT: The money comes out of your checking account. The money is debited against your account.

Dumbass: [she stands still processing this for a moment] But what about my savings? It comes out when I hit credit.

OPT: [slowly losing her patience] Did you set your account up to work that way?

Dumbass: [who is a minute away from crying] They told me - my savings?

OPT: No, it comes out of your checking account unless you specifically request for it to work differently.

Dumbass: Oh, okay. I'll just use the ATM from now on. This is too confusing!


I had the good fortune of following this, eh, Mensa member out to the parking lot. I watched her walk up to MY car and put her ckey into the driver side lock. She looks the car up and down. Looks confused. Tries her key again. Looks at the car again. Tries the key again. Frowns. Looks at the car and finally walks away. I watch her walk towards a BURGUNDY civic. Which could easily be confused with my SILVER giant ass SUV.

Some people should not be allowed to leave the house without a chaperone.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Compliment City - Population: Me!

So on occasion people in my life seriously rock.

A friend of mine (who happened to beta my MS - that would be manuscript for those of you not in the know) called to tell me "You totally have to read this book! This chick sounds just like you! She is so funny just like how you're funny!"

The book?

Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.

That's right I have been compared to Jen. Granted it has not been on a national level or by The New York Times or anything. But this comment did come from one of my more "observationally challenged" friends. So I feel like it's a big deal.

Look, I don't care if you're judging me for being too excited about this. I'm comfortable with my level of obsession it's not really my problem if it makes you uncomfortable.

All I'm trying to say is love ya Jen, you make me laugh so hard that sometimes I seriously think I might die. And knowing that someone felt that way about both my MS and Jen's PUBLISHED NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING book - makes me feel all warm and snuggly inside.

Friday, November 28, 2008


That's right bitches I KILLED NaNoWriMo!!!!

Yes, my novel is a piece of garbage. Yes it is rattled with plot holes and stuff that makes no sense. Yes the story starts one way and violently veers off in another direction. Yes, it is a terrible book that will likely never see the light of the day.

But you know what?


I did something that tons of people talk about doing. I wrote a novel. I wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That is unbelievable. I never would have thought that I could write that many words in such a short period of time. But I did it!

This was an amazing experience and was really something to do it and see it through. There were so many times that I wanted to quit or never thought that I would finish. I wanted to walk away so many times but I never did. That is what makes me the most proud. I now feel like I have the perseverance to fight through everything involved in the literary world and make a splash with my first book. I will never give up until my book is on a bookshelf near you.

Now I can get back to having a life and working on my manuscripts that will actually make me money.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

WTF Is This Hot Mess?




And what is up with the reviews? I mean, seriously?:

“Just had to try them once I saw them. They are easy to apply and last a LONG time. I only use the camo and leopard (haven't tried the zebra-looks a lil bit cheezy on box)”

[Um? Reviewer? They ALL look cheesy on the box.]

“Main reason was the leopard print. I love it and it's tricky to make it look professional, but once you blend it well it looks fantastic!”

[Tricky to make it look professional? Uh, no shit. Unless you work on the corner none of this mess is professional]

“i've heard the ColorOn eyeshadow appliques being talked up, but they are not as good as everyone says. It takes a LONG time to get them on so that they look half decent and for many women with busy lives like me, we just don't have time. Plus, don't you think they look a little weird?”

[The voice of reason.]

If any of you are interested in this $25 Sephora item find it here

Also just in time for the holidays you can get ColorOns in hooker blue decorated with snowflakes

Do You Buy It Dinner First?

Um, there are reasons that a book is rejected by “traditional” publishers. Sometimes that reason is that something is incredibly fucked up and violently disgusting. This, this would be self-published for that reason.

By the way totally worth the click to read the comments. HILARIOUS.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Do Douchebags Feel Shame?

Apparently there is this awesome book called “Hot Chicks with Douchebags”

How the release of this book escaped my line of vision is unknown to me and frankly, I’m disappointed in myself.

Believe it or not but the book being in existence is not the most awesome part. I know. I was surprised too. The most amazing part is that a douchebag in the book is suing the author. Which, honestly, just proves that he is a douche.

Why you may ask? Because apparently he did not know that he was a douchebag and is now suffering humiliation at the hands of co-workers, friends, random people on the street, family – you know basically everyone who sees him and shouts “DOUCHE!”

What I think may be escaping this guy is that people were screaming “DOUCHE!” at him before but he wasn’t self-aware enough to realize that they were in fact, talking to him. Now that this book has come out and highlighted for him the fact that he is a douche he is just now seeing how often these shenanigans occur.

Do you guys want to read the quote written about this douchebag in the douchebag book? I know! It is awesome, here you go:

"[Minelli’s] popped-collar, spikey-haired presence was so far beyond regular douche, so far beyond uberdouche, he could spontaneously create a new element on the periodic tables--Douche Nine."


His lawsuit is TOTALLY baseless.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Do 5-year-olds like Profanity Laced Stories Featuring Dinosaurs?

Fella: So what have you been doing today?

Me: Writing. I’m stuck at a place in the novel. I’m not sure what to do with the characters…

Fella: They are 90 buzzards, or is it vultures, no it’s buzzards.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Fella: There are buzzards flying over the road. I think something died.

Me: You do realize that what you said was totally off topic and I had no clue what you were talking about, right?

Fella: Yeah, I know.

Me: Just alerting you to your ADD

Fella: You’re lucky you didn’t know me when I was a kid. I could never sit still. In fact my uncle commented on how much I’ve changed since I was little.

Me: You still run around like an idiot

Fella: No.

Me: Yes

Fella: No

Me: Yes, you do but its not by choice anymore. Oh thank God you aren’t like that anymore. You would be so annoying to date. I would punch you in the head

Fella: Couldn’t catch me

Me: What? Like hell I couldn’t. I was a hyper kid too I know its hard to imagine that now what with all the loafing.

Fella: You just smoked crack. Wait….did they have crack when you were little?

Me: Jesus Christ how old do you think I am? Hello? 80’s was all about crack. I was alive for the entire decade! When the hell do you think I was born?

Fella: 2008.

Me: Pedophile.

I would like to point out that I was completely pissed that this conversation never came full circle back to me. Though later on Fella did recommend that I “throw some aliens and whatever into the book” and helpfully recommended “people like dinosaurs.” You know who likes dinosaurs? 5 year olds. You know what else? Aliens or dinosaurs NOT going to work in the context of my novel that I have in fact been talking about every day. Seriously, Fella is getting Adderall ASAP. Or I’m getting a shock collar I can’t decide which one would be better. Who am I kidding? The shock collar would be WAY funnier.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Real Housewives of ATL VS. I Love New York

Hi. My name is Jane and I am a horrible tv addict.

What I mean is that I watch horrible television. I'm not ashamed. There are millions like me out there. Silent. Confused. Scared. Will we be judged for things that are outside our control? We never know.

However I decided to break my silence to bring you this bit that I figured out all by myself.

Okay for all of you who are secretly loving The Real Housewives of Atlanta (you know who you are) you are familiar with Sheree (that is Sha-Ray btw). I was watching the umpteeth marathon the other day when it hit me. I had been feeling like Sheree was familiar to me but I couldn't place it. It was driving me mad. Then I figured it all out (again all by myself).

Sheree sounds and acts EXACTLY like Sister Patterson from I Love New York.

Now don't play. You all KNOW you watched I Love New York and are quite familiar with New York's psychotic mother Sister Patterson.

Well - she and Sheree dead ringers for one another in voice and attitude.


And no, I will not even begin to comment on the delusional mess that is Kim on that show. I just don't have the energy or the time. My guess is that none of you want to read a 24 paragraph diatribe on how badly she needs a reality check and a proper wig.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Excerpts from my Weekly Horoscope

“Think twice about making off-the-cuff remarks that sound funny in your head but can wound a person's sensitive feelings.”

Note to Astrologers: I have this problem every day of my life. You are just now attempting to bring this to my attention?

Yes, I shall be on the look out this week for my brilliantly hilarious biting commentary to offend someone. Sure, I will stand a diligent watch over every thought that dances across my cerebral plain however, I cannot be held responsible when an errant thought escapes and wounds the feelings of the delicate flowers around me.

Especially if it is wicked funny.

I do have a responsibility to amuse myself and occasionally it must be done at the expense of others.

On second thought this advice is totally wasted on me. Great job "Astrologers"