Thursday, August 21, 2008
To say I was shocked is an understatement.
I have always hustled my entire life. I have always been the girl with a plan. I have always found a way to make something work and to make money. There have been plenty of times in my life that I have hustled my ass off beyond belief.
Right now I'm tired of hustling. I've hustled my entire life. I have consistently worked my ass off since I started school at age 5. I have pushed aside other things and have had a focus that is like a laser. When I have a goal I will do whatever it takes to achieve it. For this person to say this crumbled me. This is someone who has known me for a long time and it just blew me away that this person saw me as lazy and completely unable to work hard.
I am glad this person said what they said because it is pushing me. I now know that I am succeeding no matter what. That I am going to build this and I am going to make money just so I can throw it in their face.
That's a good reason to succeed, right?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
When I was in high school I had a best friend, like most girls. She and I were close as sisters. We experience lots together, we laughed, we cried...you get the point. In our early 20's she began dating a truly deplorable human being. He was isolating her and hated me. This is fine with me as I often fantasized about beating him to death with a rolling pin. Fair is fair, right?
This scumbag started beating up on my darling best friend. She eventually garnered enough strength and broke up with him. Shortly after this breakup he called her and said he was pulled over on the side of the highway with a shotgun and he was going to kill himself. I told her he was just emotionally manipulating her and if she was concerned she should call the highway patrol and give them his license plate and tell them that he is threatening to kill himself. That's it. Done. Instead she hopped in her car and sped off to find him.
At this point I decided that maybe this was a little too much. I spoke to her and told her that I could not watch her self-destruct. That this guy was ripping her apart and tearing her down. I could not stand by. It was killing me to watch this beautiful woman being treated this way. I gave her an ultimatum, I told her she could either have our friendship or continue to date this guy. She would have to choose and she could not have both. She ultimately chose him. This absolutely broke my heart. What was more painful was that her mother would call me all the time hysterical over how this guy was treating her daughter. She no longer recognized her daughter and would plead with me to intervene. It hurt me so badly to explain to her mother that her daughter had made her choice.
Over time her mother drifted out of my life but this friend never left my mind. I often wondered what had happened to her and if she had ever found the courage to leave that relationship.
A little over a year ago I received an email from this friend. She told me that she had often thought about me and was looking to restart a friendship. Her life was in a far better place. She was married and had just had a baby. I happily replied and we picked our friendship back up. We met for dinner and caught up on our lives. During our time apart her life had apparently taken a large downward spiral. She eventually left the abusive boyfriend but caught up in several more abusive relationships before she finally started dating a male friend who is now her husband. We talked about the breakup of our friendship. She said that she always felt that I was mad at her and was waiting for me to come back around and forgive her. I told her that I was waiting to her from her that she had let go of this guy and realized the importance of our friendship.
She and I spent more and more time together and I started to realize something about her. She was the same person she was when our friendship had broken up. Here she was married with a child and still thought about trying to run away. She was unsatisfied with her life and wanted to break out. I was shocked at her admission. She chose her life. What ultimately came out was that she “settled” on her husband because she knew he would take her out of situation (living at home under her parents thumb). She got pregnant because she knew it was the only way her parents would let her leave their home. Needless to say I was floored. She admitted that she wasn’t in love with her husband but that her life allowed her to be away from her parents.
Shortly after this confession I decided that maybe she was not a good person to have in my life. Things naturally faded away between the two of us. I thought it was the best. Then today I received another email from her (almost a year after things fell away). Again she wants to retake up the friendship and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if a part of me feels guilty and feels that I owe it to her to start the friendship again. I know that she still is probably not the best person for me to have in my life. Not too long ago I did a serious deep cleaning of my life and removed all of the negative people. I have so many things moving forward in my life (I just started my own business and I’m writing a book) where I know I need to surround myself with as many positive, happy people as possible. I need people who are going to be truly supportive and truly happy for me as I move forward through my successes.I want to ignore this email but it feels wrong to provide no response. I just don’t know how to tell someone that they are wrong for me and wrong for my life. I just don’t know how to say it in a way that’s not mean. I guess the kindest thing I can do here is just to ignore her altogether.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I suppose this is the ebb and flow that goes with being a creative person. There are days when I can barely do anything because it just flows out of me. There are days when I can barely finish a shower because the moment I get in a totally brilliant paragraph, sentence or thought enters my head and I have to leap out in order to capture my thoughts.
Sadly, today is not one of those days. I can barely keep a thought in my head for a moment let alone long enough to really contemplate anything or form any brilliant sentences or paragraphs. I hate these moments. It feels like a mental drought. As much as I want to keep plugging away it just seems pointless since nothing I'm writing is good and is barely coherent.
Ugh. I suppose tomorrow is another day.
Monday, August 4, 2008
It makes me throw up in my mouth to write sentences like "I love him SO much.". GAG. NO. SUCK.
It was one thing for me to write about the breakup. Everyone wants the opportunity to paint their ex as the horrible mustache twirling villain at the end of the affair. Luckily I got to do so and it was also an accurate depiction. Only difference? I wasn't tied to the railroad tracks with some heroic savior just in the distance. I was tied to the railroad tracks with the train barreling down while he laughed. Asshat.
Writing about the beginning of the relationship, not so much fun. I've had to switch my thinking and think from my "characters" perspective in that moment not my perspective months and months later. Initially it was really hard to write those things. I think right now I just feel so removed from it that it does feel like two characters I've dreamed up. Not actual, real experiences I went through.
All I can hope is that adding these things into my book will make it a richer, better book.