tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82742092460149578372024-03-14T01:31:44.842-07:00Bitter PuddingWatch me talk myself off the ledge. Follow the adventures of a woman trying to build an empire. Is she deluded or will she do it? Stay tuned.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-4903545241098042952012-09-06T18:27:00.000-07:002012-09-06T18:27:17.011-07:00You've Got a Baby! In a Bar!When did we as a society decide that we absolutely, under no circumstances are allowed to bitch slap bad parents? Because it was a horrible decision. And I, for one, don't feel that I should have to abide by such rules. I wasn't present when they were created. No one consulted me. Had they asked I would have voted for bitch slapping. Slapping wastes of space always gets a big thumbs up from me!<br />
<br />
There is this intense stigma that you can't say to a parent "hey this is a 10pm showing of an R rated movie, this is under no circumstances an appropriate place for you to bring a 3 year old."<br />
<br />
Why can't you say that?<br />
<br />
For instance, if you are at the movies, on a Friday night, at a 10pm showing of an R-rated movie and some dumb mom and dad bring a toddler in to this movie you should be allowed to tell them to leave.<br />
<br />
Apparently this is frowned upon as I learned this past Friday night.<br />
<br />
The second these genius parents rolled their toddler in I rolled my eyes and let out an audible gasp of shock/disbelief. My sister elbowed me in the ribs and told me to "let it go, not everyone has to be told to suck it."<br />
<br />
Quite the contrary.<br />
<br />
Many people need to be told to suck it and I'm just the girl to do it.<br />
<br />
Of course these maniacs sit right next to us. Because really? Where else would they sit?<br />
<br />
As soon as they sit down I felt it swell up in me. I am going to have to say something and its likely to not go over well. Like at all. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I clear my throat "You know this is an R-rated movie right? And that its like 9:50? Do you think these are good choices for a 3 year old?"<br />
<br />
My sister sinks into her seat. I don't know why she's embarrassed, she should be used to this shit by now. And seriously? Not the first time something like this has happened. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The woman looks at me like I just sucker punched her and then stabs me with her eyes and says "excuse me?"<br />
<br />
Yeah, cause I'm the one whose inappropriate.<br />
<br />
I raise my voice "Oh I'm sorry, maybe you couldn't hear me. I was just asking why you thought it was a good call to bring a toddler to a late showing of an R rated movie? Did you learn that in Parenting 101?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The whole theater goes quiet.<br />
<br />
"How dare you question me! I'm a mother I deserve respect."<br />
<br />
"Bringing a baby to a 10pm R rated movie does not allow you to have any respect. This is an adult movie, at an adult time for adults. No one wants to listen to your kid flip out."<br />
<br />
I hear my sister attempting to stifle laughter next to me.<br />
<br />
"Look here cupcake, you have two choices, take the kid out or I'll get management and you'll be removed from the theater."<br />
<br />
I then stare her down. She makes a big huff and kicks her husband and they get up and leave. No shit but like 10 people behind us clapped. I stood up and bowed.<br />
<br />
It's important to acknowledge my people.<br />
<br />
"See that's why I do things like that."<br />
<br />
"And what are you going to do when she stabs you in the parking lot?"<br />
<br />
"That's why you're here. Someone has to drive me to the emergency room."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-70983616976948333832012-08-30T16:38:00.000-07:002012-08-30T16:38:12.879-07:00Shut up, Herbal EssencesSince Herbal Essences re-emerged in the 90's its commercials have gotten more and more asinine. The first commercials had women basically having orgasms in the shower while shampooing. Because as I think we all know, that happens on a regular basis. I literally cannot remember the last time I shampooed my hair without having a sexual experience. All women do. That's why we take so long in the shower.<br />
<br />
Guys. You're welcome.<br />
<br />
The newest commercials are equally as dumb. It's as if the Herbal Essences professionals have an advertising meeting and just start screaming "NO! NO! NO! We need this to more ridiculous! I want these ads to be so stupid that women are completely turned off from purchasing our product."<br />
<br />
Then the advertising executives kind of shrug and say "well what if made up some stupid fantasy about shampoo?"<br />
<br />
"BRILLANT. Let's start shooting tomorrow."<br />
<br />
Then the ad executives leave, get wasted and drunkenly hammers together some of the stupidest copy to every exist.<br />
<br />
I'm mostly picking on the newest commercial for "Honey I'm Strong" starring Z-list "celebrity" Nicole Sher-whatever, I can't even care to spell it properly, but I'm sure you know who I'm referring to. The whole concept is so stupid that it has to ride the short bus. Apparently using this shampoo makes warriors stop fighting and start worshipping your hair. Which makes no sense. If it's supposed to be about being strong then why not have using the shampoo help her whoop some ass. Now that commercial I'd be into.<br />
<br />
Not once has any woman ever picked up a bottle of shampoo and thought to herself "wow I'm instantly transported to a Moroccan cabana where well muscled men wash my hair with rose petals and coconut milk and then rub in pure jasmine oil while I'm dressed like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin."<br />
<br />
And if woman have those thoughts and that's why they purchase Herbal Essences then what little hope I have left in humanity is completely gone.<br />
<br />
<br />Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-37341904330327739352012-08-23T06:01:00.000-07:002012-08-25T06:54:17.680-07:00Why Are There So Many Whores on Twitter? UPDATEDI recently joined Twitter.<br />
<br />
(Don't be scared follow me @MatchmakerJane)<br />
<br />
What I find really interested is that there are a surprising number of whores on Twitter.<br />
<br />
I don't just mean Kim Kardashian - I mean actual whores. Like "hey watch me do myself with a zucchini on my web cam" kind of whores. <br />
<br />
I'm confused about a few things:<br />
<br />
1) Are they just cam girls or are they also actual whores?<br />
<br />
1a) If they are actual whores how does tweeting help their business?<br />
<br />
2) Why are they following me on Twitter? I'm a chick and I have zero interest in checking out their ham pies. Nor am I going to retweet their ham pie pics for my followers.<br />
<br />
<br />
3) Are people so lazy with looking for porn that they have to have it in their Twitter feed? Do we not have Google with billions of hits of pornography right at your fingertips? Can't you find just about anything you could possible be into like tentacle rape featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles. Are you really that lazy with masturbating that you can't open a new window and search? Why does it need to be on Twitter? If you are too lazy to search for pornography and thus have to have it in your Twitter feed then you desperately need to re-evaluate your life.<br />
<br />
PS I just realized that someone is going to stumble upon this post looking for Tentacle Rape Videos featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles and is going to be sorely disappointed. So with that -<br />
<br />
Dear Pornographer Explorer,<br />
<br />
I commend your adventurous taste in masturbatory aids. Really, its quite creative. I simply strung together several things that I thought were completely nonsensical. But I think as we all are aware Internet Rule 34 is well in play.<br />
<br />
Allow me to express a truly heart-felt apology. I certainly hope that stumbling across this blog did not deflate your urge for your particular fetish and I wish you luck in procuring the appropriate video.<br />
<br />
Best of luck in you "do."<br />
<br />
Jane<br />
<br />Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-14036185030878878742012-08-19T17:16:00.000-07:002012-08-19T17:17:35.992-07:00What the crap, Mio?I don't know if you have seen these commercials, but they are utterly perplexing.<br />
<br />
The premise is that there is some sort of jungle bar/hang out where all of the wild animals hang out and drink...Mio?<br />
<br />
First of all, what the hell kind of business model is this? You own and operate a bar where your patrons are simply ordering water and filling it with their own product. How is this profitable? There is no notion in the commercial that the bar actually sells Mio. In fact, it seems that all they sell is water. How much could they possible be charging for water to cover their overhead?<br />
<br />
Secondly, how often is the jungle police called to this place? You are seriously going to have a lion getting all hyped up on corn syrup and artificial colors next to a gazelle? Like that doesn't end in murder? Is this bar in a bad part of the jungle?<br />
<br />
Thirdly, why would this commercial make me want to buy Mio? What is it selling me? The jungle bar lifestyle? Why would I want to be like a rhino or a judgmental ostrich?<br />
<br />
And you know what's a fun thing to do at a bar Mio? Drink. Like alcohol. Not Mio. If I wanted to drink your shitty syrup I could stay home and do that from the comfort of my own home. No self respecting person is going to go to a bar to simply drink something from their house.<br />
<br />
Get it together, Mio.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-65223905052552888512012-07-27T19:30:00.000-07:002012-07-27T19:31:54.255-07:00Petty Party of 1....Petty Party of 1?Not that long ago I moved back to my hometown. The one thing I was totally dreading was running into people that I used to know and having to go through all that fake bullshit. You know, pretending to automatically give a shit about someone who I haven't spoken to in nearly 15 years. Fortunately, I have had no run ins...until the other night.<br />
<br />
I was out at my favorite drinking establishments and was in the restroom. I was washing my hands and glanced over to my left to see "the" girl from high school. I know she does not recognize me because I look completely different. I've gotten ridiculously hot since high school. Like, I'm not even joking and am not remotely making that up. I was an awkward Fatty McFatson in High School and am now Hottie McHotpants.<br />
<br />
Anyway, enough of my modesty.<br />
<br />
So "the" girl is in the bathroom. She is definitely still pretty and still tiny. Has this girl NOT discovered cheeseburgers over all these years? Such a shame. But I notice that she's kind of looking rough - like she doesn't look like the young 30-something she is instead she looks like a Cougar. She's rocking a long sleeve leopard print top, which is easily from the Cougar shopping headquarters, Cache. She also has skin tight shiny black pants on. Which was confusing because, hi, it's happy hour. Does she wear this to work? And I was at this bar as a total fluke but it looks like she has been working this joint trolling for ass and working her sad ass ex-cheerleader routine.<br />
<br />
Bitter?<br />
<br />
Who Me?<br />
<br />
How dare you.<br />
<br />
I, of course, was trying to see where she was going post-bathroom. Because if she was with a dude I was totally going to roll up in that situation and see what damage my flirting could have done.<br />
<br />
Now I'm the asshole right?<br />
<br />
Come on! What fat girl doesn't want revenge on the girl who was only nice to her because she thought I'd let her cheat off me in French. What girl who got ridiculously hot wouldn't want to shove it down someones throat especially when that girl did all kinds of mean ass stuff back in the day. Yes, yes I know. We were different people then. We were kids, what did we know! Doesn't change the fact that she was mean and I was always nice and she thought she was better than me because she was thin.<br />
<br />
Yes, yes I know...Petty Party of 1!Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-49451647175604736432009-10-03T17:15:00.000-07:002009-10-03T17:19:19.132-07:00Quiet Saturday AfternoonsMe: "What the hell do you have on?"<br /><br />Fella: "Safety goggles, hockey mask. You know, for safety."<br /><br />Me: "And what exactly is all this safety for?"<br /><br />Fella: "Cutting down the tree out back."<br /><br />Me: "So you'll have a chainsaw?"<br /><br />Fella: "Yup."<br /><br />Me: "And a hockey mask with safety goggles?"<br /><br />Fella: "Yup"<br /><br />Me: "You look like a special needs serial killer."<br /><br />Fella: "You know what would be funny, if I was naked."<br /><br />Me: "Yeah because I think most men believe the safest thing to do is have wood shrapnel and a chainsaw near their exposed man parts."<br /><br />Fella: (totally ignoring me) "Oh man, then all the neighborhood kids would be totally afraid of playing on our lawn."<br /><br />Me: "Yeah and that whole 'Meghan's Law' thing will make it even scarier."Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-73912919676502790902009-09-07T06:00:00.001-07:002009-09-07T06:03:00.568-07:00At Least Now You Know What Happened to All the Singles from the Monopoly Game<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3d7iKoLL3Emq-eCkb-D_raanNgGSFh_ASwSfGvSyuegFB3-q7I3jdSQJmhlffprMXKsVZsC0kL2RtKnWJGNnIhEgZZP3rPYS9YXagiGKz900d1z4DLK4ynO-HW-8hyq_F4AllU0Drb1A/s1600-h/alg_pole_dance_dole.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3d7iKoLL3Emq-eCkb-D_raanNgGSFh_ASwSfGvSyuegFB3-q7I3jdSQJmhlffprMXKsVZsC0kL2RtKnWJGNnIhEgZZP3rPYS9YXagiGKz900d1z4DLK4ynO-HW-8hyq_F4AllU0Drb1A/s400/alg_pole_dance_dole.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378709831824784178" border="0" /></a><br />Okay so there is some chatter on the internets about this pole dancing doll and whether or not its real.<br /><br />Either way, welcome to the apocalypse.<br /><br />(image from www.gizmodo.com)<br /><img src="file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Owner/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot.jpg" alt="" />Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-62560427507097517962009-09-04T13:34:00.000-07:002009-09-04T13:50:17.604-07:00What's Italian For Duck?It's been hot as hell and there was no way that I was cooking. I ran out to the local pizza joint to get dinner because apparently some people are too good for cereal. I place my order and sit down to wait for my food. Then I heard a SMACK.<br /><br />I naturally assumed it was part of good-natured teasing amongst the teenage staff. You know how it goes. Two teenagers work together and flirt by throwing shit at one another. Ah, young love. So I ignore the smack and go about my business. A minute later I hear it again, only this time louder. I look up.<br /><br />What the crap?<br /><br />A duck.<br /><br />A DUCK.<br /><br />A motherfucking duck.<br /><br />A duck had somehow wondered his duck ass into the back door of the pizza parlor, marched his ass through the kitchen and was now attempting to fly out of the glass window.<br /><br />This attempt to fly through glass happened not once, not twice but three times.<br /><br />On the duck's third attempt to fly to freedom through the glass the crazy, ass, old Italian guy who owns the place starts trying to get the duck with a pizza paddle. Oh, right so on the third attempt the duck actually falls behind the "pizza assembly station" and is no stuck. So the crazy old Italian guy is attempting to get the duck out from behind the station with a pizza paddle. And yes, it is the exact same paddle they normally use to extract delicious cheesy pizza from the oven.<br /><br />Finally the duck comes out from behind the station and the COIG starts doing what could best be described as spanking the duck (and no that's not a euphemism). The whole time he is spanking the duck he is yelling at it in both English and Italian (because I guess some ducks are bilingual.) It goes something like this:<br /><br />COIG: (Unintelligable Italian - potentially cursing)<br /><br />Duck :<br /><br />COIG: Hey ya! Stupid duck!<br /><br />(Paddle smack)<br /><br />COIG: Hey-a duck! Why you NO MOVE?<br /><br />(Paddle smack)<br /><br />COIG: (More unintelligable Italian - definitely cursing)<br /><br />While this is all taking place the young Italian guy continues to make pizzas. I shit you not. He just keeps flipping out dough, spinning it out, dumping on sauce and toppings and throwing them in the oven. The best part? The young Italian guy does not even acknowledge what is going on right behind him. Like this is total old hat. As if everyday he watched some old guy spank a duck and curse at it in Italian. And if thats the case we are so NEVER getting pizza from this place again because I highly doubt they have a pizza paddle exclusively devoted to duck spanking. Even if they do chances are high they could get those paddles mixed up. It's not like one says "duck spanker."<br /><br />I digress.<br /><br />After about five minutes the COIG realizes that spanking the duck is doing nothing. In all the time the duck has maybe walked five inches. As if a lightbulb has gone off in this guys head. He starts screaming for a broom. Then he basically plays shuffleboard with the duck. He would sit the broom right behind the ducks butt and just slide the duck across the floor. I'm guessing the duck was okay with it because it never moved or quacked or anything.<br /><br />Finally the COIG gets the duck out the front door. He walks back in and looks at me and goes "You see that duck?" and makes a shrugging motion with his shoulders and walks away. I then watch him take the broom that was just maybe raping that duck and puts it back in its place. Uh? Shouldn't that be thrown out or disinfected or something? And I'm fairly certain no one has removed the duck spanking paddle.<br /><br />So basically there is a 50/50 chance we may have gotten botulism from the duck spanking paddle. And you can bet that I didn't eat a slice of that.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-64810497754097933452009-08-27T05:05:00.000-07:002009-08-27T05:14:01.723-07:00Conversations with Fella #436Me: "Did the job end today?"<br /><br />Fella: "Yup. Laid off. I have to go to the union hall to see what's available now."<br /><br />Me: "Oh I'm sure something will come up."<br /><br />Fella: "Yeah or else I'm going to have to take a side job like that guy in Hung. <pause> You know, hook."<br /><br />Me: "Okay. Well, if you start hooking than so will I. Then we'll see who is a better whore."<br /><br />Fella: ....<br /><br />Me: "What? You think you'd be a better whore than me?"<br /><br />Fella: "No, naturally you'd be the better whore."<br /><br />Me: "WHAT?"<br /><br />Fella: "You know, guys will sleep with anyone."<br /><br />Me: "What? Oh so I'd be a charity fuck as a whore. Is that what you're saying?"<br /><br />Fella: "No, I just mean its easier for girls. You know, you guys can sleep with anyone."<br /><br />Me: "Uh-huh. Interesting hole for you to dig yourself out of here."<br /><br />Fella: "You know, I don't think I'd be a very good hooker. I have to be attracted to someone to sleep with them. Like remember Leona Helmsley? I don't know how guys did her."<br /><br />Me: "So basically you're giving up because you already know I'd win our hooker competition?"<br /><br />Fella: "If that's what you need to believe."<br /><br />I would just like to say that I would totally be the better whore. And I'm not sure if thats a win but let's just call it that, okay? I mean Fella is handsome and ladies check him out all the time. But I mean really? Let's think about the kind of woman who can't get laid on her own and a requires a hooker.<br /><br />Exactly.<br /><br />Plus dudes solicit male hookers and I just don't see Fella working with that.<br /><br />Analysis?<br /><br />I win.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-61295466110920112792009-08-10T13:25:00.000-07:002012-08-23T14:16:27.316-07:00How Hard Is Hygiene?So, um. Yeah. Am I missing something?<br />
<br />
I understand the economy has fallen on hard times but are soap and water in desperate short supply? Is it impossible to find laundry detergent?<br />
<br />
I only ask because based on my experiences today I would say yes, yes it is in fact all in short supply.<br />
<br />
I mean, I know I showered, applied deodorant, and even wore freshly laundered clothes. I was JUST at Target and they still had aisles FULL of the stuff. I mean it was right there all on the shelves. Anyone could have just walked into the store, put some in their cart, paid for and it went on their merry way.<br />
<br />
Maybe for some this is a highly guarded secret. I don't know. I'm not God. But when you come into an enclosed space you must know that you reek? Apparently for this guy. No clue. Just sitting there on his happy ass stinking like a donkey after a days work. Except, hi, it was morning.<br />
<br />
I wish social decorum was such that I could have turned to him and ask him to vacate the car wash waiting area due to his unholy stench. I could have asked if he ever considered running himself through the car wash but that might have been too rude.<br />
<br />
And on a side note. You don't wash your own ass BUT you are washing your car? COME ON.<br />
<br />
Some of you might be thinking "Oh Jane, he just came from the gym or something. Stop being a judgmental bitch." Well, hookers you're wrong. The dude was in business attire meaning he was planning on taking his stench and accosting people with it in a workplace environment.<br />
<br />
While it did feel like my olfactory senses were raped it did give me an idea.<br />
<br />
I could help these rank individuals. I will begin to carry with me (at all times) travel sized soaps and deodorants. After all, if we learned anything from my hobo ninja post it's this - Be The Change! See a need and fill it!Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-48321633704727333782009-08-09T12:41:00.000-07:002009-08-09T12:50:39.587-07:00I'm Back BitchesFella was saying he wasn't sure if I should write anything about Miss. Sassafras. I calmly explained to him that it didn't matter since its not like anyone knows who the hell we are anyway (which didn't stop Fella from requesting me to stop writing about him since I was, and I quote, "making him look retarded.") I reiterated that hello? People we know SO don't read this blog. People we don't even know barely read this blog.<br /><br />Then Fella pulled out his trump card and slammed it on the table. So, I got drunk once (shut it) and bragged to everyone at an intimate get together about how hilarious I am on my blog. Of course, in my recollection I was simply defending myself since I was, in fact, being hilarious but no one seemed to agree. Of course people we knew THEN started reading the blog and apparently some of Fella's friends made fun of him. Which led to the request that I "stop posting our conversations verbatim." Which was confusing to me because I wasn't sure if that meant I was now able to take artistic license or just start making shit up.<br /><br />Anyway. I told Fella that it was good for me to post stuff because people always look at us as a couple all side eyed since I'm usual drunk and blabbering on the <span style="font-style: italic;">outside</span> but they NEVER realize that HE is drunk and blabbering on the<span style="font-style: italic;"> inside</span>.<br /><br />Fellas response?<br /><br />"That doesn't make ANY sense."<br /><br />Me: "Pretty sure it does."<br /><br />Fella: "Whatever. Maybe you should start taking meds."<br /><br />Regardless of whether or not I should be on meds I will cease writing about Miss. Sassafras but I REFUSE to stop writing about Fella. He is just too damn hilarious to not share with the world.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-73921020224492322382009-04-12T13:22:00.000-07:002009-04-12T13:23:10.843-07:00Happy Easter!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWalAi6lrUa9ZRM4maGIyFEZ0vRajCeS4Tu5ma8_SYng-i7vbf0pnb8ij4dJcEQR5HpU8wCli8kw8mWmAqCFrXsa5g0ghEafpgrZ7BQahgIveXamzFJtzSAoTtk0tKT6HW1bQ5wYEMDfo/s1600-h/Easter.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWalAi6lrUa9ZRM4maGIyFEZ0vRajCeS4Tu5ma8_SYng-i7vbf0pnb8ij4dJcEQR5HpU8wCli8kw8mWmAqCFrXsa5g0ghEafpgrZ7BQahgIveXamzFJtzSAoTtk0tKT6HW1bQ5wYEMDfo/s400/Easter.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5323903054056906674" border="0" /></a>Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-12394012697736758352009-03-30T15:59:00.001-07:002009-03-30T16:06:01.291-07:00This Can't End Well...So, I've been totally slacking in the posting department and I'm sorry. The truth is that I write plenty to post on her but not everything makes it through my filtering process. Why the hell are you people shocked? I do have a filtering system. In interest of proving that 1) I actually do write more than post and 2) that I have an actual filtration system (like a Brita!) here are two of the least disturbing posts that I chose to NOT post:
<br />
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line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >"Does anyone else find the new cheetos commercials completely disturbing? <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >What I basically get from these commercials is that eating copious amounts of cheetos does NOT make you obese, as previously believed. No, no, no. What it does is make you insane. My guess is that something inside of the orange powder conflicts with your neurons, adapters and chemicals in your brain effectively “shorting you out.” The result? You begin to see a tiny, smooth talking Chester Cheetah everywhere you go telling you to do bad things to people. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Granted the overly trendy girl saying “ew” ad nasuem was totally asking for it. But come on, wiping orange cheeto dust all over someone’s white jacket? That’s just uncalled for no matter how annoying they are. That cheeto dust is no joke. That stuff barely comes out of black sweat pants let only anything white. I basically throw a tarp down and eat on that whenever I choose to indulge in cheetos. I think its only smart to be responsible and hey, safety first! Right? If that’s the case maybe a bio hazard suit is more appropriate. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >The point?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Those commercials are creepy as hell and seem more like they should be commercials for some sort of anti-psychotic. Because its not normal for a snack food to cause delusions. Isn’t that how that whole “Son of Sam” thing started? I’m not saying Cheetos caused that whole mess but you know, the whole “my dog told me to kill people” think is awfully similar to Chester Cheetah telling those enjoying his snack to do horrible things."</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
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mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Is it just me or do most foreign languages sound like complete gibberish? I’m serious it just sounds like someone just making it up as they are going along. You know who is the biggest offender of this? Asian countries. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >And while we are talking about it why do all Asian people smoke? Okay maybe not ALL Asian people but far and wide I always see Asian people smoking. Is it because they are trying to look cool? Because its not working. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Is that racist?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Just asking. "</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">So my question to you is fewer posts or crap like this? </span>
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span></p><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">That's what I thought</span></span> <p></p> Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-33225287425596168652009-03-23T15:41:00.000-07:002009-03-23T15:45:34.583-07:00Self Esteem Boost! Feel Better About You're Life!You know how sometimes you look around at the world and are all "what the fuck?" You know, because you feel like your life may potentially suck. Sure you've got real friends, Facebook friends, email friends and potentially imaginary friends (I'm not judging). But is it really enough? I sure as hell hope it is. If not, then I do in fact have the perfect product for you:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin2rYwRqyEyQMN1l57_88fhQysrrAot0NT0c2PHtcaXHIP7Ut7mMZpdZ64rzZI1tfC2QNnbcfcpvVUVgs11cfhoL9kEc0yU6s3BFuQ3O7Cvcm_GSiXw9cZYHVa9pOhs7Ea7i8VexLaqng/s1600-h/cell_stickies.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 232px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin2rYwRqyEyQMN1l57_88fhQysrrAot0NT0c2PHtcaXHIP7Ut7mMZpdZ64rzZI1tfC2QNnbcfcpvVUVgs11cfhoL9kEc0yU6s3BFuQ3O7Cvcm_GSiXw9cZYHVa9pOhs7Ea7i8VexLaqng/s320/cell_stickies.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316517601360911218" border="0" /></a><br />Yeah, it's EXACTLY what it looks like. Someone has created stickers that you can place on your iPhone that make it look like you have a text message. You know, for when having a tea party with your cats just isn't cutting it anymore.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-28145040181049707412009-03-15T15:37:00.000-07:002009-03-15T15:41:40.035-07:00Bringing Things Down for a Minute<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> 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mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the <span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1237097786_2">perfect mate</span></span> and meet his or her every need.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">9. <span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1237097786_3">CRUELTY TO ANIMALS</span></span> OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">11. <span class="yshortcuts"><span style="cursor: pointer;" id="lw_1237097786_4">VERBAL ABUSE</span></span>: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve <span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1237097786_5">sleep deprivation</span></span>, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">12. <span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1237097786_6">RIGID GENDER ROLES</span></span>: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">13. <span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1237097786_7">SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS</span></span>: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">This is a very important list and it is being posted for a very specific reason. The above list are the signs of being with an abuser. Keep in mind that not all points on the list must be "hit" just a few of these are symptoms of being with a very unhealthy person. Please everyone read it and forward to everyone you know. </span>
<br />Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-16655906573709576512009-03-14T06:14:00.000-07:002009-03-14T06:17:22.765-07:00What's Up Bitches!I rock.<br /><br />Top. Tier. Literary. Agent.<br /><br />That's right bitches, I got a partial manuscript request from one of my top tier peeps. This has yet to happen in this tireless pursuit of a book deal. I've gotten requests but its been mostly from my bottom rung people. But this guy? Grade A Filet Mignon.<br /><br />I'm dancing.<br /><br />This is so exhilarating. I'm trying desperately to live in the moment and not spiral down into "what if" scenarios. It's imperative for writers to live in each moment fully. So right now I'm glugging down a big, fat glass of "woo-hoo!!!!!"Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-3886502960996113752009-03-12T10:35:00.000-07:002009-03-12T10:43:16.515-07:00Why Google May Cause Me to Shoot Myself in the HeadSo I was checking out my awesome/disturbing Google analytics (typo....but it stays...HA! anal) page today and apparently a lot of people wonder onto my site because they are searching for one of two things:<br /><br />1. Bod Man Body Spray<br /><br />2. Bitter Pudding<br /><br />What does this say about me as a bloggess? I don't know. But I find it deeply depressing. Because see, I don't know if the people who are searching for bitter pudding are looking for my blog or if there is something awesome out there called bitter pudding and they become totally despondent upon stumbling upon my blog. I also find it pretty hard to believe that someone would have to google my blog name to remember how to get here since it is just bitterpudding. So either my readers are retarded (which I refuse to believe since I know all of you are sexy and have super cool ninja moves) or there is something out there called bitter pudding.<br /><br />According to Google.....people who search for "bitter pudding" tend to be looking for bitter chocolate pudding.<br /><br />I'm so screwed.<br /><br />So to those who land here looking for a bitter chocolate pudding recipe, I'm sorry. I know that me talking about how much people suck and fake hymens may not be exactly what you're looking for but I KNOW I'm funnier than Martha Stewart.<br /><br />As for the Bod Man people.....I have no words for you. Why the hell are you searching for it? Maybe you should land here and get taken to school a bit. Learn a little bit about douchebags and smelling like the old, desperate guy at the club.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-55842898099198736632009-03-10T13:52:00.000-07:002009-03-17T18:25:38.044-07:00News You Can Use! Women Are Bitches EditionMiss Sassafras and I went and had a bounciriffic time the other day at this super cool place that has nothing but inflatable bouncy things. It was super fun. The plus? Grown ups could bounce with their kids. Which was awesome until I thought I was having a heart attack after five minutes of jumping. I was also the only mom bouncing and was getting the side eye from all the other moms. And you know what? Not my fault that you suck and are too self conscious to get in and get dirty.<br /><br />After a bit Miss Sassafras decided she was Captain independent and wanted to bounce all alone. I was standing next to a group of woman and was being super polite and smiley and nice and they would have no part of it. I began to draw a conclusion that these women were pretty, jealous whores. Why? Because they looked like moms. You know, bad clothes, light colored high waisted tapered jeans, no makeup and“easy” hairstyle (read short minus product). Meanwhile, I looked fabulous in my stylish top and dark denim with my perfectly made up face and styled hair. Just because you push out a kid doesn’t mean you instantly have to start having a Chico’s kind of a day.<br /><br />I started to feel really uncomfortable because the woman next to me kept looking me up and down and whispering amongst themselves. I try super hard to not turn into “Mega Bitch Jane” around Miss Sassafras. I’d rather have her believe that I’m always calm and a total lady. I wanted to turn around and step up and by like “What hookers? WHAT?” Then they would be all embarrassed and mutter something about liking my top and I’d be all “Bullshit sluts. I doubt you’re thirsty because you’ve been guzzling haterade. FACE!” Then I would storm away and start bouncing with Miss Sassafras all the while giving them the “I’m watching you” hand signal. Then THEY would feel all uncomfortable and pack their rude ass kids up and leave.<br />Who’s the winner? ME. That’s right.<br /><br />On a side note if anyone should have been giving anyone the side eye it should have been me giving it to them. Their nasty ass kids were rude as hell! They would cut line and knock Miss Sassafras out of the way. My chicky cut line once and I snapped her ass into order quick. I told her to wait her turn and go to the end of the line. It’s called parenting. Meanwhile these hens kids spent the whole time being rude while the moms thought it was cute. Guess what? Maybe its cute NOW but lets see how cute it is 10 years from now when your kid is a total psycho and mine is awesome.<br /><br />Again, I win.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-46748071194695068232009-03-02T05:12:00.000-08:002009-03-02T09:53:31.177-08:00Reason 4, 587 Why I Love Target<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmnzyYu1O6rJyPd23X9QnH0vLRyOAIvCmKSW288JkhfvgAZCoRh9-bT3CbBE9F1_0aRn3vXvLlI4hYOyHzD7Dz2tyDFKwim917emAX2ZukczjhayWTzeu0FQErEXhXgG6HVXKc4d5rT48/s1600-h/clippyimage.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 274px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmnzyYu1O6rJyPd23X9QnH0vLRyOAIvCmKSW288JkhfvgAZCoRh9-bT3CbBE9F1_0aRn3vXvLlI4hYOyHzD7Dz2tyDFKwim917emAX2ZukczjhayWTzeu0FQErEXhXgG6HVXKc4d5rT48/s320/clippyimage.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308650020288898642" border="0" /></a><br /><br />No one even deny the Target love. I mean seriously, when was the last time you went to Target and didn’t spend at least $100. Never. That’s when.<br /><br />Today reminded me of another reason I love Target. I mean other than the low, low prices and cute, cute stuff. People watching. I was checking out and waiting patiently in line. The woman in front of me whips out her checkbook and I groan loudly on the inside. Such an action typically causes me to consult an calendar and make sure that it is in fact, not 1954. Today it was in fact 2009 but this woman was in her 80’s so who the hell knows. She could have dementia and think its not 1945 for all I know. Who am I to judge? (Shut it).<br /><br />The old lady asks the clerk how to spell Target. Which completely catches the clerk off guard and she actually pauses to think about it for an unusually long amount of time. Here’s a tip – look at the freakin 4 trillion plastic bags next to you with TARGET emblazoned all over them. I decide to let it mentally slide because how many times do I forget my own zip code and age? Answer? All the time. So I keep smiling and waiting patiently in line. Then the old lady asks the clerk how to spell “twenty.”<br /><br />The meeting of the minds begins.<br /><br />These two Mensa members go back and forth for what feels like eternity trying to figure how exactly to spell “twenty.” I, could have, of course, jumped in at any time and assisted but where’s the fun in that? These two go back forth consulting with one another over the placement of the “w” and what have you and the whole time I’m laughing my ass off inside my head. They finally reach a consensus and the check is written.<br /><br />So, just a side note…..if you can’t fucking spell do not write fucking checks.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-30205976318896102652009-02-23T18:12:00.000-08:002009-03-02T18:43:00.114-08:00I Can't Be the Only One, Right?So we live in this lovely little age that has fun things like social networking. Which is great. It's fun to throw sheep at people and send snarky ass flair and letting your friends know every action you make.<br /><br />But there is a dark side.<br /><br />I know. SHOCK.<br /><br />The problem lies in when people want to "friend" you and you have no damn clue who these people are. You investigate them as much as possible and find that they graduated from high school, college or elementary school - whatever- with you. You are drawing a complete blank on this person. You begin to panic and wonder if this person has been holding onto some special bond that you two shared. Which is kind of creepy that after all of these years of NOT talking NOT being friends.....anyway.<br /><br />I always think that these people see me and begin flipping out "Oh My God there is Jane! We totally had AP French together and we were SO close senior year. Oh man, we had the bestest of times EVER! Oh man, I better friend her immediately!"<br /><br />Then I get the request and I'm all "Who the hell are YOU? Let me take a look....oh we went to school together? Oh crap.....s/he looks vaguely familiar. .Oh no what do I do?" At this point I tend to vacillate between declining and accepting. Of course accepting gets me every time because I'm hoping that they will give me something, anything that explains just who the hell this person is.<br /><br />Now I need a Xanax prescription because I'm scared to death that I'm going to run into people at the grocery store or Target who I'm now "friends" with. They'll be all "Jane! SO Good to see you!" I'll be all "WTF?" and throwing candy in my cart then having a total internal panic attack and just have to fake it through the whole thing. You know "Oh you! Hey! How are YOU?"<br /><br />Of course during the whole conversation I would be trying to figure out how to get the hell out of this conversation. My eyes skirting the landscape looking for any kind of out. I would naturally begin franctically waving to a stranger and announce that "there's my ride - gots to biz-ounce" (because I think its important, when speaking to someone who YOU don't remember to make yourself as annoying as possible in order to ensure that the awkward "hey let me get your number" exchange doesn't happen.) Of course, since its me this person would inevitable follow me and check out right behind me thus ruining my "hey theres my ride" cover when the stranger I'm using begins to run away when I begin talking to them like we know each other. I mean really, why can't people just be cool?<br /><br />Then I would be trapped in line for some long ass period of time while some person in front of me pays for their stuff in pennies. Thereby sucking me into a longer conversation with someone I don't know and then it gets to that awkward "we should SO get together again - this is JUST like old times." Really? REALLY? Back in high school did we awkwardly run into each other in public places while you corned me to ramble on about your boring ass life? Because if thats the case, no wonder I've forgotten all about you because, I know this may be a shock - but this? This? Not fun.<br /><br />I would of course feel guilted into giving out my number and would do so. Then I would spend the next week or so freaking out every time my phone rings and refusing to answer calls from unknown numbers. Of course I would only be able to keep up the charade for so long before I would run into the "Unknown High School Chum" again and it would be awkward. But I think I know what I would say - you have to have a plan in situations like this. I would explain that I lost my phone and since I didn't have her number there was no way to call her and explain. Especially since my cell phone is my only phone. Then I would pretend that my new phone was vibrating in my pocket and pick it up and say convincingly "OH NO!" give my "chum" a concerned look and tell her that I have to go right away. I'll have tears welling in my eyes as I run out so that she won't chase me for my new number. Then I simply move to a new town and I'm out of that situation.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-48053457494094057222009-02-22T10:51:00.000-08:002009-03-02T18:47:18.273-08:00This Is Not Pedo Bear Approved- UPDATED<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> 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font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Alright someone needs to say this and apparently it has to be me. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Guys. When you walk into a Victoria’s Secret could you possibly attempt to not be super fucking creepy? How about you walk in and not give some naughty look to every woman purchasing underwear and bras. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Yes, yes I know. To you these are the sexy little undergarments that you get to see during special times. But guess what? It’s just underwear. No woman has ever skulked around the men’s underwear section of a store giving men the side eye and staring at their junk. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >So how about you don’t do that either?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >What if you just walked into VS like it was any other store and just purchased what needed to be purchased instead of walking around the store with a big retarded grin imagining every woman in her recent purchases? <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >And you know what makes it extra creepy? When you are with your teenage daughter. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Yeah. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Think about that for a minute. If you are in Victoria’s Secret being a pervert don’t you think that other guys could be in their having perverted thoughts about your special little angel? <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Let that sink in.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >So let’s all agree that if you can’t contain yourself for 10 minutes or at least make a reasonable attempt to hide your….um…..lascivious behavior that you do not enter said establishment.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12;" >Agreed?
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">UPDATE: Okay so I was at Victoria's Secret again this weekend making a return. I was strolling around the store to see if there was anything on sale when I heard the following exchange:</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p>Saleswoman: So, I think this should work for you. Did you want to try it on?
<br />
<br />75 year old Customer: Yes
<br />
<br />Customer's Old Ass Husband: Can I watch?
<br />
<br />Theoretically, this is a good thing. Because how cool is it that after presumably many years of marriage this man is still totally hot for his wife's body. But on the practical side, EW.
<br />I was the only person who heard the husband say anything so I look inappropriate when I'm laughing my ass off at the panty island.
<br /> Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-20793000122253872092009-02-19T15:27:00.000-08:002009-02-19T15:29:57.485-08:00You're On Notice Saved by The BellWhat as the appeal of Zach Morris? The guy was super lame and had the dumbest lines ever yet girls threw themselves at him on a constant basis. Like really? I just don’t get the appeal. Whenever I watch Saved by the Bell I get completely taken out of the story and all I can focus on is why semi attractive woman seem to be falling all over themselves to get some of that. Zach was a total idiot and potentially a sociopath.<br /><br />And why was it whenever they had a “special” Saved by the Bell (i.e., summer break work, Hawaii) Zach hooks up with some much older girl? What exactly is the age of consent in California, 12? Because I’m pretty sure a 27 year old making out with a 17 year old is not only disgusting but illegal. And seriously what grown ass woman is going to be pulled in by the charms of a sleezy 17 year old? How low is their self esteem? Inexplicably these woman tend to fall in love with Zach and turn to him for some kind of support or help. I mean come on. Is Saved by the Bell just a breeding ground for female sexual predators? Because it seems to me like they are really glamourizing it. I mean, what are we supposed to think its awesome with a 16 year old Zach lands an older chick? Where’s the episode where a 16 year old Lisa falls for a 30 year old guy? Of course that would be a very special episode. Where we would all learn about how older men prey on younger girls and she would end up getting beat up or something. But not Zach he just gets to make out and gets high fives.<br /><br />I mean even when Kelly was what, 15 and dated the college guy Jeff no one batted an eye. Granted nothing untoward occured since Jeff was busy banging anything that moved that wasn't Kelly. Naturally, everyone was shocked that anyone would cheat on Kelly. Oh right, huge shocker that a 21 year old isn't going to cheat on his 15 year old girlfriend.<br /><br />Um, what was my point?<br /><br />Right.<br /><br />What Saved by the Bell really taught young kids was that you just aren’t cool if you aren’t banging some older dude or chick.<br /><br />Also it seemed like every show seemed to mention how poor Kelly’s family was yet she was constantly taking fancy vacations and never wore the same outfit twice. WTF Saved by the Bell? What kind of crap is that.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-16574373906283049192009-02-11T15:41:00.000-08:002009-02-11T15:43:07.621-08:00Apparently I Look Super Sexy Holding a Ducky Sippy Cup<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CUser%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> 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mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Garamond","serif";">Today was a ridiculously gorgeous day and I took Miss. Sassafras out to ride her bike around the neighborhood. She was all about it and she ended up biking along a main road. I’m following behind her and a guy slows down and woofs at me. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Garamond","serif";">Uh, what?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Garamond","serif";">Woof? Really? Why?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Garamond","serif";">Okay first of all, I’m with a small child so um, yeah….NO. Are you REALLY going to woof at me around a little girl? What the hell kind of bullshit is that? <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Garamond","serif";">Secondly, really? WTF is the woof about? I never understood why men feel compelled to shout things out the window at women. What is the expectation there? Am I supposed to abandon my small child and run into traffic and chase down his car and beg him to do filthy, naughty things to me? Because I was in 3 inch wedge sandals and there was no way in hell I was running. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Garamond","serif";">Then about a half block later a guy in another car shouted something about breast feeding him which just made no damn sense. Um, Miss. Sassafras is not a baby she’s 4 years old. Duh, Shouty McDouchebag 4 year olds don’t breast feed. What a dumbass. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Garamond","serif";">I ended up diverting Miss. Sassafras down a back street towards the house because I didn’t think she needed to hear me get bombarded with anymore factually inaccurate or retarded catcalls. <span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-13717416245691765932009-02-09T15:00:00.000-08:002009-02-09T15:03:14.508-08:00So, Could This Be a Sign of the End Times?Okay, this <a href="http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/">website</a> is really disturbing on a few fronts.<br /><br />1) SERIOUSLY?<br /><br />2) About 90% of the stuff is something I would totally go for on the first day of my period (yeah I know TMI but whateves)<br /><br />3) The thought that some culinary mastermind came up with these dishes to begin with is insane to me. These pltes are all the true definition of food porn.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8274209246014957837.post-67475865071037879032009-01-26T15:21:00.001-08:002009-01-26T15:25:10.204-08:00FAILSo.....I woke up this morning with this hilarious idea for a post. I was practically peeing my pants laughing so hard at my own humorous genius. Then I sat down later on to write and guess what? No clue what the hell was so damn funny this morning.<br /><br />If it comes back to me you guys might actually get a real post.<br /><br />Until then let Holy Taco amuse you with their list of <a href="http://www.holytaco.com/8-worst-types-employees">The 8 Worst Types of Retail Employees</a><br /><br />You're welcome.Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01710336803197501198noreply@blogger.com0