Compliment City - Population: Me!

So on occasion people in my life seriously rock.

A friend of mine (who happened to beta my MS - that would be manuscript for those of you not in the know) called to tell me "You totally have to read this book! This chick sounds just like you! She is so funny just like how you're funny!"

The book?

Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.

That's right I have been compared to Jen. Granted it has not been on a national level or by The New York Times or anything. But this comment did come from one of my more "observationally challenged" friends. So I feel like it's a big deal.

Look, I don't care if you're judging me for being too excited about this. I'm comfortable with my level of obsession it's not really my problem if it makes you uncomfortable.

All I'm trying to say is love ya Jen, you make me laugh so hard that sometimes I seriously think I might die. And knowing that someone felt that way about both my MS and Jen's PUBLISHED NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING book - makes me feel all warm and snuggly inside.

WOO-HOO!

That's right bitches I KILLED NaNoWriMo!!!!

Yes, my novel is a piece of garbage. Yes it is rattled with plot holes and stuff that makes no sense. Yes the story starts one way and violently veers off in another direction. Yes, it is a terrible book that will likely never see the light of the day.

But you know what?

I DID IT!

I did something that tons of people talk about doing. I wrote a novel. I wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That is unbelievable. I never would have thought that I could write that many words in such a short period of time. But I did it!

This was an amazing experience and was really something to do it and see it through. There were so many times that I wanted to quit or never thought that I would finish. I wanted to walk away so many times but I never did. That is what makes me the most proud. I now feel like I have the perseverance to fight through everything involved in the literary world and make a splash with my first book. I will never give up until my book is on a bookshelf near you.

Now I can get back to having a life and working on my manuscripts that will actually make me money.

WTF Is This Hot Mess?

NO.

FAIL.

NO AGAIN.

And what is up with the reviews? I mean, seriously?:

“Just had to try them once I saw them. They are easy to apply and last a LONG time. I only use the camo and leopard (haven't tried the zebra-looks a lil bit cheezy on box)”

[Um? Reviewer? They ALL look cheesy on the box.]

“Main reason was the leopard print. I love it and it's tricky to make it look professional, but once you blend it well it looks fantastic!”

[Tricky to make it look professional? Uh, no shit. Unless you work on the corner none of this mess is professional]

“i've heard the ColorOn eyeshadow appliques being talked up, but they are not as good as everyone says. It takes a LONG time to get them on so that they look half decent and for many women with busy lives like me, we just don't have time. Plus, don't you think they look a little weird?”

[The voice of reason.]

If any of you are interested in this $25 Sephora item find it here

Also just in time for the holidays you can get ColorOns in hooker blue decorated with snowflakes

Do You Buy It Dinner First?

Um, there are reasons that a book is rejected by “traditional” publishers. Sometimes that reason is that something is incredibly fucked up and violently disgusting. This, this would be self-published for that reason.

By the way totally worth the click to read the comments. HILARIOUS.

Do Douchebags Feel Shame?

Apparently there is this awesome book called “Hot Chicks with Douchebags”

How the release of this book escaped my line of vision is unknown to me and frankly, I’m disappointed in myself.

Believe it or not but the book being in existence is not the most awesome part. I know. I was surprised too. The most amazing part is that a douchebag in the book is suing the author. Which, honestly, just proves that he is a douche.

Why you may ask? Because apparently he did not know that he was a douchebag and is now suffering humiliation at the hands of co-workers, friends, random people on the street, family – you know basically everyone who sees him and shouts “DOUCHE!”

What I think may be escaping this guy is that people were screaming “DOUCHE!” at him before but he wasn’t self-aware enough to realize that they were in fact, talking to him. Now that this book has come out and highlighted for him the fact that he is a douche he is just now seeing how often these shenanigans occur.

Do you guys want to read the quote written about this douchebag in the douchebag book? I know! It is awesome, here you go:

"[Minelli’s] popped-collar, spikey-haired presence was so far beyond regular douche, so far beyond uberdouche, he could spontaneously create a new element on the periodic tables--Douche Nine."

Dude.

His lawsuit is TOTALLY baseless.

Do 5-year-olds like Profanity Laced Stories Featuring Dinosaurs?

Fella: So what have you been doing today?

Me: Writing. I’m stuck at a place in the novel. I’m not sure what to do with the characters…

Fella: They are 90 buzzards, or is it vultures, no it’s buzzards.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Fella: There are buzzards flying over the road. I think something died.

Me: You do realize that what you said was totally off topic and I had no clue what you were talking about, right?

Fella: Yeah, I know.

Me: Just alerting you to your ADD

Fella: You’re lucky you didn’t know me when I was a kid. I could never sit still. In fact my uncle commented on how much I’ve changed since I was little.

Me: You still run around like an idiot

Fella: No.

Me: Yes

Fella: No

Me: Yes, you do but its not by choice anymore. Oh thank God you aren’t like that anymore. You would be so annoying to date. I would punch you in the head

Fella: Couldn’t catch me

Me: What? Like hell I couldn’t. I was a hyper kid too I know its hard to imagine that now what with all the loafing.

Fella: You just smoked crack. Wait….did they have crack when you were little?

Me: Jesus Christ how old do you think I am? Hello? 80’s was all about crack. I was alive for the entire decade! When the hell do you think I was born?

Fella: 2008.

Me: Pedophile.

I would like to point out that I was completely pissed that this conversation never came full circle back to me. Though later on Fella did recommend that I “throw some aliens and whatever into the book” and helpfully recommended “people like dinosaurs.” You know who likes dinosaurs? 5 year olds. You know what else? Aliens or dinosaurs NOT going to work in the context of my novel that I have in fact been talking about every day. Seriously, Fella is getting Adderall ASAP. Or I’m getting a shock collar I can’t decide which one would be better. Who am I kidding? The shock collar would be WAY funnier.

Real Housewives of ATL VS. I Love New York

Hi. My name is Jane and I am a horrible tv addict.

What I mean is that I watch horrible television. I'm not ashamed. There are millions like me out there. Silent. Confused. Scared. Will we be judged for things that are outside our control? We never know.

However I decided to break my silence to bring you this bit that I figured out all by myself.

Okay for all of you who are secretly loving The Real Housewives of Atlanta (you know who you are) you are familiar with Sheree (that is Sha-Ray btw). I was watching the umpteeth marathon the other day when it hit me. I had been feeling like Sheree was familiar to me but I couldn't place it. It was driving me mad. Then I figured it all out (again all by myself).

Sheree sounds and acts EXACTLY like Sister Patterson from I Love New York.

Now don't play. You all KNOW you watched I Love New York and are quite familiar with New York's psychotic mother Sister Patterson.

Well - she and Sheree dead ringers for one another in voice and attitude.

Discuss.

And no, I will not even begin to comment on the delusional mess that is Kim on that show. I just don't have the energy or the time. My guess is that none of you want to read a 24 paragraph diatribe on how badly she needs a reality check and a proper wig.

Excerpts from my Weekly Horoscope

“Think twice about making off-the-cuff remarks that sound funny in your head but can wound a person's sensitive feelings.”

Note to Astrologers: I have this problem every day of my life. You are just now attempting to bring this to my attention?

Yes, I shall be on the look out this week for my brilliantly hilarious biting commentary to offend someone. Sure, I will stand a diligent watch over every thought that dances across my cerebral plain however, I cannot be held responsible when an errant thought escapes and wounds the feelings of the delicate flowers around me.

Especially if it is wicked funny.

I do have a responsibility to amuse myself and occasionally it must be done at the expense of others.

On second thought this advice is totally wasted on me. Great job "Astrologers"

Fella: So you're having your make-up thing today

Me: Yup, we're going to Sephora.

Fella: What?

Me: Sephora.

Fella: What?

Me: It's the Home Depot of make-up

Fella: You know I don't know these things.

Me: I don't know what you do when I'm not around. You could cross-dress for all I know.

Fella: Nope. Just run around naked.

Me: Good. Because you would look horrible in a dress. You don't have the legs for it.

Fella: What?

Me: I'm just saying. Not a good look.

I Want! I Want! I Want!

Oh what's this you ask? Only the most awesome thing ever. This would be the Barbie Candy Glam Style Station

Oh sure the "recommended ages" are 3-8 but what grown woman doesn't want to make her own lip gloss through a blender attached to a Barbie head?

Who I ask? WHO?

You show me one adult woman (or maybe some adult men...I'm just saying) who doesn't squeal at delight at this and I will show you a woman who has no clue how to have a good time.

Agents Rock

(Please note this post is NOT sarcastic. I'm actually being genuine here)

The road to getting published is a long and bumpy one. It's a complicated process that comes across as completely counter intuitive. It's confusing, tricky and frankly, hard.

When you finish the book thats when the hard stuff starts.

I've been submitting to agents all over this great nation. I want desperately to hit reply on so many rejections. Why? Not to blast them for rejecting my work but to tell them how kind and amazing their rejection letters are.

Seriously.

You should read some of them. They are so encouraging that it makes me want to cry. It also touches me so much when you can tell that the letter is not a "form rejection" (though some of those are great too). For an agent to take a minute out of their insane day to write a personalized rejection it makes me feel like my book has something but its really isn't right for them.

So. thank you agents. You guys are so overworked and so pressed for time and when you take a minute to make sure that your rejection letter is encouraging and nice it makes a big difference to the writer.