Thursday, August 27, 2009

Conversations with Fella #436

Me: "Did the job end today?"

Fella: "Yup. Laid off. I have to go to the union hall to see what's available now."

Me: "Oh I'm sure something will come up."

Fella: "Yeah or else I'm going to have to take a side job like that guy in Hung. You know, hook."

Me: "Okay. Well, if you start hooking than so will I. Then we'll see who is a better whore."

Fella: ....

Me: "What? You think you'd be a better whore than me?"

Fella: "No, naturally you'd be the better whore."

Me: "WHAT?"

Fella: "You know, guys will sleep with anyone."

Me: "What? Oh so I'd be a charity fuck as a whore. Is that what you're saying?"

Fella: "No, I just mean its easier for girls. You know, you guys can sleep with anyone."

Me: "Uh-huh. Interesting hole for you to dig yourself out of here."

Fella: "You know, I don't think I'd be a very good hooker. I have to be attracted to someone to sleep with them. Like remember Leona Helmsley? I don't know how guys did her."

Me: "So basically you're giving up because you already know I'd win our hooker competition?"

Fella: "If that's what you need to believe."

I would just like to say that I would totally be the better whore. And I'm not sure if thats a win but let's just call it that, okay? I mean Fella is handsome and ladies check him out all the time. But I mean really? Let's think about the kind of woman who can't get laid on her own and a requires a hooker.


Plus dudes solicit male hookers and I just don't see Fella working with that.


I win.

Monday, August 10, 2009

How Hard Is Hygiene?

So, um. Yeah. Am I missing something?

I understand the economy has fallen on hard times but are soap and water in desperate short supply? Is it impossible to find laundry detergent?

I only ask because based on my experiences today I would say yes, yes it is in fact all in short supply.

I mean, I know I showered, applied deodorant, and even wore freshly laundered clothes. I was JUST at Target and they still had aisles FULL of the stuff. I mean it was right there all on the shelves. Anyone could have just walked into the store, put some in their cart, paid for and it went on their merry way.

Maybe for some this is a highly guarded secret. I don't know. I'm not God. But when you come into an enclosed space you must know that you reek? Apparently for this guy. No clue. Just sitting there on his happy ass stinking like a donkey after a days work. Except, hi, it was morning.

I wish social decorum was such that I could have turned to him and ask him to vacate the car wash waiting area due to his unholy stench. I could have asked if he ever considered running himself through the car wash but that might have been too rude.

And on a side note. You don't wash your own ass BUT you are washing your car? COME ON.

Some of you might be thinking "Oh Jane, he just came from the gym or something. Stop being a judgmental bitch." Well, hookers you're wrong. The dude was in business attire meaning he was planning on taking his stench and accosting people with it in a workplace environment.

While it did feel like my olfactory senses were raped it did give me an idea.

I could help these rank individuals. I will begin to carry with me (at all times) travel sized soaps and deodorants. After all, if we learned anything from my hobo ninja post it's this - Be The Change! See a need and fill it!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'm Back Bitches

Fella was saying he wasn't sure if I should write anything about Miss. Sassafras. I calmly explained to him that it didn't matter since its not like anyone knows who the hell we are anyway (which didn't stop Fella from requesting me to stop writing about him since I was, and I quote, "making him look retarded.") I reiterated that hello? People we know SO don't read this blog. People we don't even know barely read this blog.

Then Fella pulled out his trump card and slammed it on the table. So, I got drunk once (shut it) and bragged to everyone at an intimate get together about how hilarious I am on my blog. Of course, in my recollection I was simply defending myself since I was, in fact, being hilarious but no one seemed to agree. Of course people we knew THEN started reading the blog and apparently some of Fella's friends made fun of him. Which led to the request that I "stop posting our conversations verbatim." Which was confusing to me because I wasn't sure if that meant I was now able to take artistic license or just start making shit up.

Anyway. I told Fella that it was good for me to post stuff because people always look at us as a couple all side eyed since I'm usual drunk and blabbering on the outside but they NEVER realize that HE is drunk and blabbering on the inside.

Fellas response?

"That doesn't make ANY sense."

Me: "Pretty sure it does."

Fella: "Whatever. Maybe you should start taking meds."

Regardless of whether or not I should be on meds I will cease writing about Miss. Sassafras but I REFUSE to stop writing about Fella. He is just too damn hilarious to not share with the world.