Thursday, September 6, 2012

You've Got a Baby! In a Bar!

When did we as a society decide that we absolutely, under no circumstances are allowed to bitch slap bad parents? Because it was a horrible decision. And I, for one, don't feel that I should have to abide by such rules. I wasn't present when they were created. No one consulted me. Had they asked I would have voted for bitch slapping. Slapping wastes of space always gets a big thumbs up from me!

There is this intense stigma that you can't say to a parent "hey this is a 10pm showing of an R rated movie, this is under no circumstances an appropriate place for you to bring a 3 year old."

Why can't you say that?

For instance, if you are at the movies, on a Friday night, at a 10pm showing of an R-rated movie and some dumb mom and dad bring a toddler in to this movie you should be allowed to tell them to leave.

Apparently this is frowned upon as I learned this past Friday night.

The second these genius parents rolled their toddler in I rolled my eyes and let out an audible gasp of shock/disbelief. My sister elbowed me in the ribs and told me to "let it go, not everyone has to be told to suck it."

Quite the contrary.

Many people need to be told to suck it and I'm just the girl to do it.

Of course these maniacs sit right next to us. Because really? Where else would they sit?

As soon as they sit down I felt it swell up in me. I am going to have to say something and its likely to not go over well. Like at all.

I clear my throat "You know this is an R-rated movie right? And that its like 9:50? Do you think these are good choices for a 3 year old?"

My sister sinks into her seat. I don't know why she's embarrassed, she should be used to this shit by now. And seriously? Not the first time something like this has happened.

The woman looks at me like I just sucker punched her and then stabs me with her eyes and says "excuse me?"

Yeah, cause I'm the one whose inappropriate.

I raise my voice "Oh I'm sorry, maybe you couldn't hear me. I was just asking why you thought it was a good call to bring a toddler to a late showing of an R rated movie? Did you learn that in Parenting 101?"

The whole theater goes quiet.

"How dare you question me! I'm a mother I deserve respect."

"Bringing a baby to a 10pm R rated movie does not allow you to have any respect. This is an adult movie, at an adult time for adults. No one wants to listen to your kid flip out."

I hear my sister attempting to stifle laughter next to me.

"Look here cupcake, you have two choices, take the kid out or I'll get management and you'll be removed from the theater."

I then stare her down. She makes a big huff and kicks her husband and they get up and leave. No shit but like 10 people behind us clapped. I stood up and bowed.

It's important to acknowledge my people.

"See that's why I do things like that."

"And what are you going to do when she stabs you in the parking lot?"

"That's why you're here. Someone has to drive me to the emergency room."