Thursday, August 30, 2012

Shut up, Herbal Essences

Since Herbal Essences re-emerged in the 90's its commercials have gotten more and more asinine.  The first commercials had women basically having orgasms in the shower while shampooing. Because as I think we all know, that happens on a regular basis. I literally cannot remember the last time I shampooed my hair without having a sexual experience. All women do. That's why we take so long in the shower.

Guys. You're welcome.

The newest commercials are equally as dumb. It's as if the Herbal Essences professionals have an advertising meeting and just start screaming "NO! NO! NO! We need this to more ridiculous! I want these ads to be so stupid that women are completely turned off from purchasing our product."

Then the advertising executives kind of shrug and say "well what if made up some stupid fantasy about shampoo?"

"BRILLANT. Let's start shooting tomorrow."

Then the ad executives leave, get wasted and drunkenly hammers together some of the stupidest copy to every exist.

I'm mostly picking on the newest commercial for "Honey I'm Strong" starring Z-list "celebrity" Nicole Sher-whatever, I can't even care to spell it properly, but I'm sure you know who I'm referring to.  The whole concept is so stupid that it has to ride the short bus. Apparently using this shampoo makes warriors stop fighting and start worshipping your hair. Which makes no sense. If it's supposed to be about being strong then why not have using the shampoo help her whoop some ass. Now that commercial I'd be into.

Not once has any woman ever picked up a bottle of shampoo and thought to herself "wow I'm instantly transported to a Moroccan cabana where well muscled men wash my hair with rose petals and coconut milk and then rub in pure jasmine oil while I'm dressed like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin."

And if woman have those thoughts and that's why they purchase Herbal Essences then what little hope I have left in humanity is completely gone.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Why Are There So Many Whores on Twitter? UPDATED

I recently joined Twitter.

(Don't be scared follow me @MatchmakerJane)

What I find really interested is that there are a surprising number of whores on Twitter.

I don't just mean Kim Kardashian - I mean actual whores. Like "hey watch me do myself with a zucchini on my web cam" kind of whores.

I'm confused about a few things:

1) Are they just cam girls or are they also actual whores?

        1a) If they are actual whores how does tweeting help their business?

2) Why are they following me on Twitter? I'm a chick and I have zero interest in checking out their ham pies. Nor am I going to retweet their ham pie pics for my followers.

3) Are people so lazy with looking for porn that they have to have it in their Twitter feed? Do we not have Google with billions of hits of pornography right at your fingertips? Can't you find just about anything you could possible be into like tentacle rape featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles. Are you really that lazy with masturbating that you can't open a new window and search? Why does it need to be on Twitter? If you are too lazy to search for pornography and thus have to have it in your Twitter feed then you desperately need to re-evaluate your life.

PS I just realized that someone is going to stumble upon this post looking for Tentacle Rape Videos featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles and is going to be sorely disappointed. So with that -

Dear Pornographer Explorer,

I commend your adventurous taste in masturbatory aids. Really, its quite creative. I simply strung together several things that I thought were completely nonsensical. But I think as we all are aware Internet Rule 34 is well in play.

Allow me to express a truly heart-felt apology. I certainly hope that stumbling across this blog did not deflate your urge for your particular fetish and I wish you luck in procuring the appropriate video.

Best of luck in you "do."


Sunday, August 19, 2012

What the crap, Mio?

I don't know if you have seen these commercials, but they are utterly perplexing.

The premise is that there is some sort of jungle bar/hang out where all of the wild animals hang out and drink...Mio?

First of all, what the hell kind of business model is this? You own and operate a bar where your patrons are simply ordering water and filling it with their own product. How is this profitable? There is no notion in the commercial that the bar actually sells Mio. In fact, it seems that all they sell is water. How much could they possible be charging for water to cover their overhead?

Secondly, how often is the jungle police called to this place? You are seriously going to have a lion getting all hyped up on corn syrup and artificial colors next to a gazelle? Like that doesn't end in murder? Is this bar in a bad part of the jungle?

Thirdly, why would this commercial make me want to buy Mio? What is it selling me? The jungle bar lifestyle? Why would I want to be like a rhino or a judgmental ostrich?

And you know what's a fun thing to do at a bar Mio? Drink. Like alcohol. Not Mio. If I wanted to drink your shitty syrup I could stay home and do that from the comfort of my own home. No self respecting person is going to go to a bar to simply drink something from their house.

Get it together, Mio.