Thursday, September 6, 2012

You've Got a Baby! In a Bar!

When did we as a society decide that we absolutely, under no circumstances are allowed to bitch slap bad parents? Because it was a horrible decision. And I, for one, don't feel that I should have to abide by such rules. I wasn't present when they were created. No one consulted me. Had they asked I would have voted for bitch slapping. Slapping wastes of space always gets a big thumbs up from me!

There is this intense stigma that you can't say to a parent "hey this is a 10pm showing of an R rated movie, this is under no circumstances an appropriate place for you to bring a 3 year old."

Why can't you say that?

For instance, if you are at the movies, on a Friday night, at a 10pm showing of an R-rated movie and some dumb mom and dad bring a toddler in to this movie you should be allowed to tell them to leave.

Apparently this is frowned upon as I learned this past Friday night.

The second these genius parents rolled their toddler in I rolled my eyes and let out an audible gasp of shock/disbelief. My sister elbowed me in the ribs and told me to "let it go, not everyone has to be told to suck it."

Quite the contrary.

Many people need to be told to suck it and I'm just the girl to do it.

Of course these maniacs sit right next to us. Because really? Where else would they sit?

As soon as they sit down I felt it swell up in me. I am going to have to say something and its likely to not go over well. Like at all.

I clear my throat "You know this is an R-rated movie right? And that its like 9:50? Do you think these are good choices for a 3 year old?"

My sister sinks into her seat. I don't know why she's embarrassed, she should be used to this shit by now. And seriously? Not the first time something like this has happened.

The woman looks at me like I just sucker punched her and then stabs me with her eyes and says "excuse me?"

Yeah, cause I'm the one whose inappropriate.

I raise my voice "Oh I'm sorry, maybe you couldn't hear me. I was just asking why you thought it was a good call to bring a toddler to a late showing of an R rated movie? Did you learn that in Parenting 101?"

The whole theater goes quiet.

"How dare you question me! I'm a mother I deserve respect."

"Bringing a baby to a 10pm R rated movie does not allow you to have any respect. This is an adult movie, at an adult time for adults. No one wants to listen to your kid flip out."

I hear my sister attempting to stifle laughter next to me.

"Look here cupcake, you have two choices, take the kid out or I'll get management and you'll be removed from the theater."

I then stare her down. She makes a big huff and kicks her husband and they get up and leave. No shit but like 10 people behind us clapped. I stood up and bowed.

It's important to acknowledge my people.

"See that's why I do things like that."

"And what are you going to do when she stabs you in the parking lot?"

"That's why you're here. Someone has to drive me to the emergency room."

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Shut up, Herbal Essences

Since Herbal Essences re-emerged in the 90's its commercials have gotten more and more asinine.  The first commercials had women basically having orgasms in the shower while shampooing. Because as I think we all know, that happens on a regular basis. I literally cannot remember the last time I shampooed my hair without having a sexual experience. All women do. That's why we take so long in the shower.

Guys. You're welcome.

The newest commercials are equally as dumb. It's as if the Herbal Essences professionals have an advertising meeting and just start screaming "NO! NO! NO! We need this to more ridiculous! I want these ads to be so stupid that women are completely turned off from purchasing our product."

Then the advertising executives kind of shrug and say "well what if made up some stupid fantasy about shampoo?"

"BRILLANT. Let's start shooting tomorrow."

Then the ad executives leave, get wasted and drunkenly hammers together some of the stupidest copy to every exist.

I'm mostly picking on the newest commercial for "Honey I'm Strong" starring Z-list "celebrity" Nicole Sher-whatever, I can't even care to spell it properly, but I'm sure you know who I'm referring to.  The whole concept is so stupid that it has to ride the short bus. Apparently using this shampoo makes warriors stop fighting and start worshipping your hair. Which makes no sense. If it's supposed to be about being strong then why not have using the shampoo help her whoop some ass. Now that commercial I'd be into.

Not once has any woman ever picked up a bottle of shampoo and thought to herself "wow I'm instantly transported to a Moroccan cabana where well muscled men wash my hair with rose petals and coconut milk and then rub in pure jasmine oil while I'm dressed like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin."

And if woman have those thoughts and that's why they purchase Herbal Essences then what little hope I have left in humanity is completely gone.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Why Are There So Many Whores on Twitter? UPDATED

I recently joined Twitter.

(Don't be scared follow me @MatchmakerJane)

What I find really interested is that there are a surprising number of whores on Twitter.

I don't just mean Kim Kardashian - I mean actual whores. Like "hey watch me do myself with a zucchini on my web cam" kind of whores.

I'm confused about a few things:

1) Are they just cam girls or are they also actual whores?

        1a) If they are actual whores how does tweeting help their business?

2) Why are they following me on Twitter? I'm a chick and I have zero interest in checking out their ham pies. Nor am I going to retweet their ham pie pics for my followers.

3) Are people so lazy with looking for porn that they have to have it in their Twitter feed? Do we not have Google with billions of hits of pornography right at your fingertips? Can't you find just about anything you could possible be into like tentacle rape featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles. Are you really that lazy with masturbating that you can't open a new window and search? Why does it need to be on Twitter? If you are too lazy to search for pornography and thus have to have it in your Twitter feed then you desperately need to re-evaluate your life.

PS I just realized that someone is going to stumble upon this post looking for Tentacle Rape Videos featuring bisexual grandmothers eating chocolate dipped custard with sprinkles and is going to be sorely disappointed. So with that -

Dear Pornographer Explorer,

I commend your adventurous taste in masturbatory aids. Really, its quite creative. I simply strung together several things that I thought were completely nonsensical. But I think as we all are aware Internet Rule 34 is well in play.

Allow me to express a truly heart-felt apology. I certainly hope that stumbling across this blog did not deflate your urge for your particular fetish and I wish you luck in procuring the appropriate video.

Best of luck in you "do."


Sunday, August 19, 2012

What the crap, Mio?

I don't know if you have seen these commercials, but they are utterly perplexing.

The premise is that there is some sort of jungle bar/hang out where all of the wild animals hang out and drink...Mio?

First of all, what the hell kind of business model is this? You own and operate a bar where your patrons are simply ordering water and filling it with their own product. How is this profitable? There is no notion in the commercial that the bar actually sells Mio. In fact, it seems that all they sell is water. How much could they possible be charging for water to cover their overhead?

Secondly, how often is the jungle police called to this place? You are seriously going to have a lion getting all hyped up on corn syrup and artificial colors next to a gazelle? Like that doesn't end in murder? Is this bar in a bad part of the jungle?

Thirdly, why would this commercial make me want to buy Mio? What is it selling me? The jungle bar lifestyle? Why would I want to be like a rhino or a judgmental ostrich?

And you know what's a fun thing to do at a bar Mio? Drink. Like alcohol. Not Mio. If I wanted to drink your shitty syrup I could stay home and do that from the comfort of my own home. No self respecting person is going to go to a bar to simply drink something from their house.

Get it together, Mio.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Petty Party of 1....Petty Party of 1?

Not that long ago I moved back to my hometown. The one thing I was totally dreading was running into people that I used to know and having to go through all that fake bullshit. You know, pretending to automatically give a shit about someone who I haven't spoken to in nearly 15 years. Fortunately, I have had no run ins...until the other night.

I was out at my favorite drinking establishments and was in the restroom. I was washing my hands and glanced over to my left to see "the" girl from high school. I know she does not recognize me because I look completely different. I've gotten ridiculously hot since high school. Like, I'm not even joking and am not remotely making that up. I was an awkward Fatty McFatson in High School and am now Hottie McHotpants.

Anyway, enough of my modesty.

So "the" girl is in the bathroom. She is definitely still pretty and still tiny. Has this girl NOT discovered cheeseburgers over all these years? Such a shame. But I notice that she's kind of looking rough - like she doesn't look like the young 30-something she is instead she looks like a Cougar. She's rocking a long sleeve leopard print top, which is easily from the Cougar shopping headquarters, Cache. She also has skin tight shiny black pants on. Which was confusing because, hi, it's happy hour. Does she wear this to work? And I was at this bar as a total fluke but it looks like she has been working this joint trolling for ass and working her sad ass ex-cheerleader routine.


Who Me?

How dare you.

I, of course, was trying to see where she was going post-bathroom. Because if she was with a dude I was totally going to roll up in that situation and see what damage my flirting could have done.

Now I'm the asshole right?

Come on! What fat girl doesn't want revenge on the girl who was only nice to her because she thought I'd let her cheat off me in French. What girl who got ridiculously hot wouldn't want to shove it down someones throat especially when that girl did all kinds of mean ass stuff back in the day. Yes, yes I know. We were different people then. We were kids, what did we know! Doesn't change the fact that she was mean and I was always nice and she thought she was better than me because she was thin.

Yes, yes I know...Petty Party of 1!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Quiet Saturday Afternoons

Me: "What the hell do you have on?"

Fella: "Safety goggles, hockey mask. You know, for safety."

Me: "And what exactly is all this safety for?"

Fella: "Cutting down the tree out back."

Me: "So you'll have a chainsaw?"

Fella: "Yup."

Me: "And a hockey mask with safety goggles?"

Fella: "Yup"

Me: "You look like a special needs serial killer."

Fella: "You know what would be funny, if I was naked."

Me: "Yeah because I think most men believe the safest thing to do is have wood shrapnel and a chainsaw near their exposed man parts."

Fella: (totally ignoring me) "Oh man, then all the neighborhood kids would be totally afraid of playing on our lawn."

Me: "Yeah and that whole 'Meghan's Law' thing will make it even scarier."

Monday, September 7, 2009

At Least Now You Know What Happened to All the Singles from the Monopoly Game

Okay so there is some chatter on the internets about this pole dancing doll and whether or not its real.

Either way, welcome to the apocalypse.

(image from