Petty Party of 1....Petty Party of 1?

Not that long ago I moved back to my hometown. The one thing I was totally dreading was running into people that I used to know and having to go through all that fake bullshit. You know, pretending to automatically give a shit about someone who I haven't spoken to in nearly 15 years. Fortunately, I have had no run ins...until the other night.

I was out at my favorite drinking establishments and was in the restroom. I was washing my hands and glanced over to my left to see "the" girl from high school. I know she does not recognize me because I look completely different. I've gotten ridiculously hot since high school. Like, I'm not even joking and am not remotely making that up. I was an awkward Fatty McFatson in High School and am now Hottie McHotpants.

Anyway, enough of my modesty.

So "the" girl is in the bathroom. She is definitely still pretty and still tiny. Has this girl NOT discovered cheeseburgers over all these years? Such a shame. But I notice that she's kind of looking rough - like she doesn't look like the young 30-something she is instead she looks like a Cougar. She's rocking a long sleeve leopard print top, which is easily from the Cougar shopping headquarters, Cache. She also has skin tight shiny black pants on. Which was confusing because, hi, it's happy hour. Does she wear this to work? And I was at this bar as a total fluke but it looks like she has been working this joint trolling for ass and working her sad ass ex-cheerleader routine.

Bitter?

Who Me?

How dare you.

I, of course, was trying to see where she was going post-bathroom. Because if she was with a dude I was totally going to roll up in that situation and see what damage my flirting could have done.

Now I'm the asshole right?

Come on! What fat girl doesn't want revenge on the girl who was only nice to her because she thought I'd let her cheat off me in French. What girl who got ridiculously hot wouldn't want to shove it down someones throat especially when that girl did all kinds of mean ass stuff back in the day. Yes, yes I know. We were different people then. We were kids, what did we know! Doesn't change the fact that she was mean and I was always nice and she thought she was better than me because she was thin.

Yes, yes I know...Petty Party of 1!

This Can't End Well...

So, I've been totally slacking in the posting department and I'm sorry. The truth is that I write plenty to post on her but not everything makes it through my filtering process. Why the hell are you people shocked? I do have a filtering system. In interest of proving that 1) I actually do write more than post and 2) that I have an actual filtration system (like a Brita!) here are two of the least disturbing posts that I chose to NOT post:

"Does anyone else find the new cheetos commercials completely disturbing?

What I basically get from these commercials is that eating copious amounts of cheetos does NOT make you obese, as previously believed. No, no, no. What it does is make you insane. My guess is that something inside of the orange powder conflicts with your neurons, adapters and chemicals in your brain effectively “shorting you out.” The result? You begin to see a tiny, smooth talking Chester Cheetah everywhere you go telling you to do bad things to people.

Granted the overly trendy girl saying “ew” ad nasuem was totally asking for it. But come on, wiping orange cheeto dust all over someone’s white jacket? That’s just uncalled for no matter how annoying they are. That cheeto dust is no joke. That stuff barely comes out of black sweat pants let only anything white. I basically throw a tarp down and eat on that whenever I choose to indulge in cheetos. I think its only smart to be responsible and hey, safety first! Right? If that’s the case maybe a bio hazard suit is more appropriate.

The point?

Those commercials are creepy as hell and seem more like they should be commercials for some sort of anti-psychotic. Because its not normal for a snack food to cause delusions. Isn’t that how that whole “Son of Sam” thing started? I’m not saying Cheetos caused that whole mess but you know, the whole “my dog told me to kill people” think is awfully similar to Chester Cheetah telling those enjoying his snack to do horrible things."

"

Is it just me or do most foreign languages sound like complete gibberish? I’m serious it just sounds like someone just making it up as they are going along. You know who is the biggest offender of this? Asian countries.

And while we are talking about it why do all Asian people smoke? Okay maybe not ALL Asian people but far and wide I always see Asian people smoking. Is it because they are trying to look cool? Because its not working.

Is that racist?

Just asking. "

So my question to you is fewer posts or crap like this?

That's what I thought

You're On Notice Saved by The Bell

What as the appeal of Zach Morris? The guy was super lame and had the dumbest lines ever yet girls threw themselves at him on a constant basis. Like really? I just don’t get the appeal. Whenever I watch Saved by the Bell I get completely taken out of the story and all I can focus on is why semi attractive woman seem to be falling all over themselves to get some of that. Zach was a total idiot and potentially a sociopath.

And why was it whenever they had a “special” Saved by the Bell (i.e., summer break work, Hawaii) Zach hooks up with some much older girl? What exactly is the age of consent in California, 12? Because I’m pretty sure a 27 year old making out with a 17 year old is not only disgusting but illegal. And seriously what grown ass woman is going to be pulled in by the charms of a sleezy 17 year old? How low is their self esteem? Inexplicably these woman tend to fall in love with Zach and turn to him for some kind of support or help. I mean come on. Is Saved by the Bell just a breeding ground for female sexual predators? Because it seems to me like they are really glamourizing it. I mean, what are we supposed to think its awesome with a 16 year old Zach lands an older chick? Where’s the episode where a 16 year old Lisa falls for a 30 year old guy? Of course that would be a very special episode. Where we would all learn about how older men prey on younger girls and she would end up getting beat up or something. But not Zach he just gets to make out and gets high fives.

I mean even when Kelly was what, 15 and dated the college guy Jeff no one batted an eye. Granted nothing untoward occured since Jeff was busy banging anything that moved that wasn't Kelly. Naturally, everyone was shocked that anyone would cheat on Kelly. Oh right, huge shocker that a 21 year old isn't going to cheat on his 15 year old girlfriend.

Um, what was my point?

Right.

What Saved by the Bell really taught young kids was that you just aren’t cool if you aren’t banging some older dude or chick.

Also it seemed like every show seemed to mention how poor Kelly’s family was yet she was constantly taking fancy vacations and never wore the same outfit twice. WTF Saved by the Bell? What kind of crap is that.

Real Housewives of ATL VS. I Love New York

Hi. My name is Jane and I am a horrible tv addict.

What I mean is that I watch horrible television. I'm not ashamed. There are millions like me out there. Silent. Confused. Scared. Will we be judged for things that are outside our control? We never know.

However I decided to break my silence to bring you this bit that I figured out all by myself.

Okay for all of you who are secretly loving The Real Housewives of Atlanta (you know who you are) you are familiar with Sheree (that is Sha-Ray btw). I was watching the umpteeth marathon the other day when it hit me. I had been feeling like Sheree was familiar to me but I couldn't place it. It was driving me mad. Then I figured it all out (again all by myself).

Sheree sounds and acts EXACTLY like Sister Patterson from I Love New York.

Now don't play. You all KNOW you watched I Love New York and are quite familiar with New York's psychotic mother Sister Patterson.

Well - she and Sheree dead ringers for one another in voice and attitude.

Discuss.

And no, I will not even begin to comment on the delusional mess that is Kim on that show. I just don't have the energy or the time. My guess is that none of you want to read a 24 paragraph diatribe on how badly she needs a reality check and a proper wig.

Excerpts from my Weekly Horoscope

“Think twice about making off-the-cuff remarks that sound funny in your head but can wound a person's sensitive feelings.”

Note to Astrologers: I have this problem every day of my life. You are just now attempting to bring this to my attention?

Yes, I shall be on the look out this week for my brilliantly hilarious biting commentary to offend someone. Sure, I will stand a diligent watch over every thought that dances across my cerebral plain however, I cannot be held responsible when an errant thought escapes and wounds the feelings of the delicate flowers around me.

Especially if it is wicked funny.

I do have a responsibility to amuse myself and occasionally it must be done at the expense of others.

On second thought this advice is totally wasted on me. Great job "Astrologers"

Can I Get a Witness?

Is it wrong that how much I care about a story on Unsolved Mystery is inversely proportionate to how attractive or unattractive the actual people are.

I also hate when they bait and switch ya. The folks re-creating the scene are okay looking than you see the real pictures and you think to yourself (or aloud - there's no judgment here. Unless you're ugly) "DEAR GOD. No wonder they died."

I'm just saying. I know I can't be alone here.