Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Get Drunk Russian Style!

In order to assist you all with the frivolity of the evening ahead, I have decided to share with you an extra special're welcome.

Now what makes this drink so special, you may be asking yourself? Why its economical of course! With big, horrible, scary economic news looming around every corner you really, really need to get drunk. But, you need to get drunk on the cheap. Welcome to the after-one-sip-Hi!-I'm-drunk drink.

Items Required:

Reasonably sized glass or champagne flute

Fill half the glass with vodka and top the rest off with champagne.

This drink doesn't necessarily have a name - but what about Ivan Drago since it will knock you on your ass! (score! Rocky IV reference!)

Enjoy getting wasted on one cocktail!

Impress your friends and fellow party-goers with your smart and economically savvy type of being wasted.

Happy New Year's!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Perfect Git for the Girl Who Has Just About Everything

What's this you ask?

Why it would be an artificial hymen, of course.

Perfect gift for the reformed slut! Or just about anyone!

I mean for only $14.99 who could afford to not buy it?

PS Seriously? Someone INVENTED this. Someone took time out of their day to think "gee I bet people would love to be able to buy an artificial hymen." Is this really the way to start out a relationship but lying and using blood filled plastic to do so?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

S-T-O-P For Me

Dear "Bod Man" Fragrances,

Please stop.


Cease and desist.

I'm guessing your current excessive commerical run has something to do with the holidays and pushing that all important "guido girlfriend market" but please stop.

No one wants your bod. No one.

Your "male fragrance" smells like the creepy old guy at the club. No one wants to smell like that guy and no nubile, young thing wants that.

So, in conclusion, get the hell off my tv and stop showing 45 commercials during one single episode of Family Guy.



PS Axe body spray - you're on notice

PPS How much does it say about me that by watching Family Guy I'm in the AXE and Bod Spray demographic?

PPPS Has anyone ever met an actual man who purchased Bod spray or actually wore it? Just curious. It just seems like one of those products that no one buys, yet they continue to advertise. Like Bod spray is some plucky company with an endless supply of cash. Like some guy just had a dream to make a particualrly heinous body spray for men and won't let go of the dream.

PPPPS I totally stole this format from Jenny

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Lifetime Pass to Dollywood PLUS Chicken and Biscuits? Who Would Say No?

Ever have a day, where you want to punch people in the head everywhere you go? But you can't, because that's felony assault and going to jail really cuts into your loafing and Tivo time?

Today was one of those days for me.

On a day like today I really wish Dolly Parton was my Aunt.

No. Really. Just imagine it. I'm having a bad day - you know when the doldrums are giving you a violent beating and maybe, just maybe, anally raping you. I roll over to Aunt Dolly's. For some reason I see her living in some big ass log cabin in the middle of the woods and envision being greeted by animatronic animals all along her driveway.

Don't judge - this is my fantasy.

I'd walk in and Aunt Dolly would flash a trillion watt smile and say "Hi Honey!" while holding a large basket of biscuits. I would drearily greet her and she'd snap on a concerned face and ask what was wrong. I'd settle in at her big kitchen table, she would fix me a big plate of food (fried chicken, country gravy and biscuits) and listen to all my troubles. When I would finish she would look at me thoughtfully and dish up some down home, back woods, folksy wisdom. You know, like Dr. Phil but without all the jackassery.

After the dishing of down home wisdom she would bear hug me until I nearly burst then send me on my way. I would feel better and wiser after my trip to Aunt Dolly's.

Plus I would get a lifetime pass to Dollywood and she'd probably let me try on her wigs!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What Happens When Idiots Roam Free?

Today I actually had time to run errands and of course, because my life is glamorous, I get caught behind the dumbest person ever. No seriously. I've never heard such a conversation before in my life.

Let me set the scene.

It's me standing in line at the bank. There are only two tellers (yeah wow that merger has really made my bank better! I'm looking at you TD Bank) and one of the tellers is occupied with something stupid and so is the other teller.

Here is the actual conversation:

Dumbass: Um, so when I like select debit the money comes out of my checking account, right?
(This starry eyed dumb ass is using her debit card as a prop)

Obscenely Patient Teller: Yes, that's correct Miss

Dumbass: But when I like select credit, it comes out of savings, right?

OPT: No. The money comes out of your checking account

Dumbass: But they told me that's how it works! (Her lip begins to quiver)

OPT: I'm sorry it doesn't work that way.

Dumbass: So, um, how does this work again (she is pointing at the debit card)

OPT: The money comes out of your checking account. The money is debited against your account.

Dumbass: [she stands still processing this for a moment] But what about my savings? It comes out when I hit credit.

OPT: [slowly losing her patience] Did you set your account up to work that way?

Dumbass: [who is a minute away from crying] They told me - my savings?

OPT: No, it comes out of your checking account unless you specifically request for it to work differently.

Dumbass: Oh, okay. I'll just use the ATM from now on. This is too confusing!


I had the good fortune of following this, eh, Mensa member out to the parking lot. I watched her walk up to MY car and put her ckey into the driver side lock. She looks the car up and down. Looks confused. Tries her key again. Looks at the car again. Tries the key again. Frowns. Looks at the car and finally walks away. I watch her walk towards a BURGUNDY civic. Which could easily be confused with my SILVER giant ass SUV.

Some people should not be allowed to leave the house without a chaperone.