A Lifetime Pass to Dollywood PLUS Chicken and Biscuits? Who Would Say No?

Ever have a day, where you want to punch people in the head everywhere you go? But you can't, because that's felony assault and going to jail really cuts into your loafing and Tivo time?

Today was one of those days for me.

On a day like today I really wish Dolly Parton was my Aunt.

No. Really. Just imagine it. I'm having a bad day - you know when the doldrums are giving you a violent beating and maybe, just maybe, anally raping you. I roll over to Aunt Dolly's. For some reason I see her living in some big ass log cabin in the middle of the woods and envision being greeted by animatronic animals all along her driveway.

Don't judge - this is my fantasy.

I'd walk in and Aunt Dolly would flash a trillion watt smile and say "Hi Honey!" while holding a large basket of biscuits. I would drearily greet her and she'd snap on a concerned face and ask what was wrong. I'd settle in at her big kitchen table, she would fix me a big plate of food (fried chicken, country gravy and biscuits) and listen to all my troubles. When I would finish she would look at me thoughtfully and dish up some down home, back woods, folksy wisdom. You know, like Dr. Phil but without all the jackassery.

After the dishing of down home wisdom she would bear hug me until I nearly burst then send me on my way. I would feel better and wiser after my trip to Aunt Dolly's.

Plus I would get a lifetime pass to Dollywood and she'd probably let me try on her wigs!

Compliment City - Population: Me!

So on occasion people in my life seriously rock.

A friend of mine (who happened to beta my MS - that would be manuscript for those of you not in the know) called to tell me "You totally have to read this book! This chick sounds just like you! She is so funny just like how you're funny!"

The book?

Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.

That's right I have been compared to Jen. Granted it has not been on a national level or by The New York Times or anything. But this comment did come from one of my more "observationally challenged" friends. So I feel like it's a big deal.

Look, I don't care if you're judging me for being too excited about this. I'm comfortable with my level of obsession it's not really my problem if it makes you uncomfortable.

All I'm trying to say is love ya Jen, you make me laugh so hard that sometimes I seriously think I might die. And knowing that someone felt that way about both my MS and Jen's PUBLISHED NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING book - makes me feel all warm and snuggly inside.

I Want to be Jen Lancaster

Okay. So I might be slightly obsessed. I have voraciously read every memoir by Jen Lancaster and I can’t get enough. She is the funny, smart ass friend that everyone wants. I desperately want to sit down with her, drink martinis and be snarky. I will happily sport her trademark pink and green and pearls if it meant being able to have her attention for 10 minutes (however, I can’t wear the Crocs. Sorry Jen, I just can’t).

My biggest dream would be getting her to read my memoir and provide a quote for my book jacket. I think I could die unbelievably happy if that happened.

I’m in awe of her. I relate so much to the experiences that she has had and am able to find a piece of myself in each of her books (can we talk about how I too, sported a Prada bag to the unemployment office. Granted mine was a knockoff but a REALLY good knockoff).

I can only hope that my writing is as funny. Jen Lancaster and Chelsea Handler are the only two writers that have made me laugh out loud and practically pee my pants. I can only hope that one day people will place me in that same category.

Suck it Jesus, Jen Lancaster is my God now.

If you haven’t read any of her books check them out and keep a dry pair of pants around because you will laugh til you pee.

Bitter is the New Black

Bright Lights, Big Ass

Such a Pretty Fat

Her website is : www.jensylvania.com