Thursday, October 30, 2008

Riddle of the Day

How many police officers do you think are needed for arresting a grocery store shoplifter.

If you said any number more than 1 than you don’t live in my town.



4 cops were needed to “take down” a guy shoplifting at the local Stop and Shop.

Is there really nothing else going on in town? How bored are the cops?

Sure its great to live in a town where the cops aren’t busy fighting crackheads and hookers. But aren’t there some high school kids they could be hassling? Why are 4 cops needed at a grocery store shoplift. It’s not like the guy pushed out a whole aisle.

The best part was overhearing the conversation between one officer and the shoplifter

"Sir. SIR. You walked out of the store with items. No, Sir we don't believe you forgot to pay. Sir, you can't do that."

This snippet made me laugh so hard. Of course the 4 cops bearing down on him made me laugh harder.

Just me?

Good enough.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Living on the Edge

Non-fiction writers live a dangerous existence. There is a fine line that must be walked.

I am a humorous memoirist. Meaning that I write about all the funny shit that happens in my life. My writing stalls out when I don't have hilarious events occurring fairly regularly.

Right now the funny is nowhere to be found. Granted, I know I allow situations to play out longer than they should. I also tend to stick around when I see something insane going on just to see how it plays out and to see if I can write about it.

Fiction writes gently plot out the actions of their characters. They outline their whole story and get to writing. Doesn't exactly work that way for those of us who live on the edge.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

NaNoWriMo Madness

I'm nuts.

There is this little deal that happens every year called NaNoWriMo. I have joined.

What is it? Well you agree to participate in writing a 50,000 word fiction book in the course of a month.

Uh, I don't do fiction and yet I've joined.

Damn peer pressure.

Well it all starts November 1st.

If anyone is interested

Join and torture yourself. It's fun!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Can I Get a Witness?

Is it wrong that how much I care about a story on Unsolved Mystery is inversely proportionate to how attractive or unattractive the actual people are.

I also hate when they bait and switch ya. The folks re-creating the scene are okay looking than you see the real pictures and you think to yourself (or aloud - there's no judgment here. Unless you're ugly) "DEAR GOD. No wonder they died."

I'm just saying. I know I can't be alone here.

I Apologize to Members of Local 235...Unless It Is the Gay Local

There is some context in this conversation with my fella but I’m too lazy to add it in. So just suck it up:

Fella: I was running around naked today at work

Me: Phst..I doubt it. The guys would have been all “put on some pants, jackass!”

Fella: Not if they were gay

Me: That’s true

Fella: I don’t think I work with any gay guys though

Me: You never know. That guy in the Village People was a construction worker

Fella: He wasn’t a real construction worker

Me: How do you know? Won’t you be surprised when he’s working the next job you’re on.

Fella: Not going to happen. He’s got to be like 65 – he would retired by now. But he wasn’t really one.

Me: Again, how do you know? What if he belonged to some random local…..Local 235.

Fella: Local 235?

Me: Yes. It’s obviously the gay construction worker union.


Me: What? They can’t have their own union?


Me: Homophobe.

(please note that this conversation made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. Fella laughed too but more so at how hard I was laughing not because of my comedic genius that he refuses to recognize)
Later On…..

Again there is context that would help…but lazy

Fella: I don’t wear the black underwear to work because guys will hit on me.

Me: This is something you consider in underwear choices.

Fella: I don’t want guys distracted on the job

Me: Why the hell would anyone know the difference?

Fella: I already told you, I run around naked on the job.

Me: Maybe you should join Local 235.

(Again my own humor made me laugh myself into a seizure. Again fella was more laughing at me than with me.)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Is This Wrong?

Is it bad that watching Celebrity Rehab makes me want a drink? Is that wrong? I can’t tell.

Also – what’s the deal with Gary Busey? Why the hell does he think that he’s a treatment specialist? It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that Gary Busey is not clean and sober. I mean really. Does he just not exist in reality with the rest of us?

To crib from Stephen Colbert – Gary Busey – you’re on notice.

Now, about that drink…

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

What In the Hitchcockian Hell Is This?

Am I blonde, in a 1960’s suit in a coastal town?


Then what the hell is going on outside my window.

There are roughly 100 small birds outside. They are all just sitting in the field, tweeting and probably plotting.

Damn birds.

I know what they are waiting to do.

Look at them, all smug. Just sitting there pretending to search for worms or bugs when we all know they are really hungry for eyeballs and souls.