I'm Back Bitches

Fella was saying he wasn't sure if I should write anything about Miss. Sassafras. I calmly explained to him that it didn't matter since its not like anyone knows who the hell we are anyway (which didn't stop Fella from requesting me to stop writing about him since I was, and I quote, "making him look retarded.") I reiterated that hello? People we know SO don't read this blog. People we don't even know barely read this blog.

Then Fella pulled out his trump card and slammed it on the table. So, I got drunk once (shut it) and bragged to everyone at an intimate get together about how hilarious I am on my blog. Of course, in my recollection I was simply defending myself since I was, in fact, being hilarious but no one seemed to agree. Of course people we knew THEN started reading the blog and apparently some of Fella's friends made fun of him. Which led to the request that I "stop posting our conversations verbatim." Which was confusing to me because I wasn't sure if that meant I was now able to take artistic license or just start making shit up.

Anyway. I told Fella that it was good for me to post stuff because people always look at us as a couple all side eyed since I'm usual drunk and blabbering on the outside but they NEVER realize that HE is drunk and blabbering on the inside.

Fellas response?

"That doesn't make ANY sense."

Me: "Pretty sure it does."

Fella: "Whatever. Maybe you should start taking meds."

Regardless of whether or not I should be on meds I will cease writing about Miss. Sassafras but I REFUSE to stop writing about Fella. He is just too damn hilarious to not share with the world.

News You Can Use! Women Are Bitches Edition

Miss Sassafras and I went and had a bounciriffic time the other day at this super cool place that has nothing but inflatable bouncy things. It was super fun. The plus? Grown ups could bounce with their kids. Which was awesome until I thought I was having a heart attack after five minutes of jumping. I was also the only mom bouncing and was getting the side eye from all the other moms. And you know what? Not my fault that you suck and are too self conscious to get in and get dirty.

After a bit Miss Sassafras decided she was Captain independent and wanted to bounce all alone. I was standing next to a group of woman and was being super polite and smiley and nice and they would have no part of it. I began to draw a conclusion that these women were pretty, jealous whores. Why? Because they looked like moms. You know, bad clothes, light colored high waisted tapered jeans, no makeup and“easy” hairstyle (read short minus product). Meanwhile, I looked fabulous in my stylish top and dark denim with my perfectly made up face and styled hair. Just because you push out a kid doesn’t mean you instantly have to start having a Chico’s kind of a day.

I started to feel really uncomfortable because the woman next to me kept looking me up and down and whispering amongst themselves. I try super hard to not turn into “Mega Bitch Jane” around Miss Sassafras. I’d rather have her believe that I’m always calm and a total lady. I wanted to turn around and step up and by like “What hookers? WHAT?” Then they would be all embarrassed and mutter something about liking my top and I’d be all “Bullshit sluts. I doubt you’re thirsty because you’ve been guzzling haterade. FACE!” Then I would storm away and start bouncing with Miss Sassafras all the while giving them the “I’m watching you” hand signal. Then THEY would feel all uncomfortable and pack their rude ass kids up and leave.
Who’s the winner? ME. That’s right.

On a side note if anyone should have been giving anyone the side eye it should have been me giving it to them. Their nasty ass kids were rude as hell! They would cut line and knock Miss Sassafras out of the way. My chicky cut line once and I snapped her ass into order quick. I told her to wait her turn and go to the end of the line. It’s called parenting. Meanwhile these hens kids spent the whole time being rude while the moms thought it was cute. Guess what? Maybe its cute NOW but lets see how cute it is 10 years from now when your kid is a total psycho and mine is awesome.

Again, I win.

Do 5-year-olds like Profanity Laced Stories Featuring Dinosaurs?

Fella: So what have you been doing today?

Me: Writing. I’m stuck at a place in the novel. I’m not sure what to do with the characters…

Fella: They are 90 buzzards, or is it vultures, no it’s buzzards.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Fella: There are buzzards flying over the road. I think something died.

Me: You do realize that what you said was totally off topic and I had no clue what you were talking about, right?

Fella: Yeah, I know.

Me: Just alerting you to your ADD

Fella: You’re lucky you didn’t know me when I was a kid. I could never sit still. In fact my uncle commented on how much I’ve changed since I was little.

Me: You still run around like an idiot

Fella: No.

Me: Yes

Fella: No

Me: Yes, you do but its not by choice anymore. Oh thank God you aren’t like that anymore. You would be so annoying to date. I would punch you in the head

Fella: Couldn’t catch me

Me: What? Like hell I couldn’t. I was a hyper kid too I know its hard to imagine that now what with all the loafing.

Fella: You just smoked crack. Wait….did they have crack when you were little?

Me: Jesus Christ how old do you think I am? Hello? 80’s was all about crack. I was alive for the entire decade! When the hell do you think I was born?

Fella: 2008.

Me: Pedophile.

I would like to point out that I was completely pissed that this conversation never came full circle back to me. Though later on Fella did recommend that I “throw some aliens and whatever into the book” and helpfully recommended “people like dinosaurs.” You know who likes dinosaurs? 5 year olds. You know what else? Aliens or dinosaurs NOT going to work in the context of my novel that I have in fact been talking about every day. Seriously, Fella is getting Adderall ASAP. Or I’m getting a shock collar I can’t decide which one would be better. Who am I kidding? The shock collar would be WAY funnier.

Fella: So you're having your make-up thing today

Me: Yup, we're going to Sephora.

Fella: What?

Me: Sephora.

Fella: What?

Me: It's the Home Depot of make-up

Fella: You know I don't know these things.

Me: I don't know what you do when I'm not around. You could cross-dress for all I know.

Fella: Nope. Just run around naked.

Me: Good. Because you would look horrible in a dress. You don't have the legs for it.

Fella: What?

Me: I'm just saying. Not a good look.

I Apologize to Members of Local 235...Unless It Is the Gay Local

There is some context in this conversation with my fella but I’m too lazy to add it in. So just suck it up:

Fella: I was running around naked today at work

Me: Phst..I doubt it. The guys would have been all “put on some pants, jackass!”

Fella: Not if they were gay

Me: That’s true

Fella: I don’t think I work with any gay guys though

Me: You never know. That guy in the Village People was a construction worker

Fella: He wasn’t a real construction worker

Me: How do you know? Won’t you be surprised when he’s working the next job you’re on.

Fella: Not going to happen. He’s got to be like 65 – he would retired by now. But he wasn’t really one.

Me: Again, how do you know? What if he belonged to some random local…..Local 235.

Fella: Local 235?

Me: Yes. It’s obviously the gay construction worker union.

Fella:

Me: What? They can’t have their own union?

Fella:

Me: Homophobe.

(please note that this conversation made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. Fella laughed too but more so at how hard I was laughing not because of my comedic genius that he refuses to recognize)
Later On…..

Again there is context that would help…but lazy

Fella: I don’t wear the black underwear to work because guys will hit on me.

Me: This is something you consider in underwear choices.

Fella: I don’t want guys distracted on the job

Me: Why the hell would anyone know the difference?

Fella: I already told you, I run around naked on the job.

Me: Maybe you should join Local 235.

(Again my own humor made me laugh myself into a seizure. Again fella was more laughing at me than with me.)