News You Can Use! Women Are Bitches Edition

Miss Sassafras and I went and had a bounciriffic time the other day at this super cool place that has nothing but inflatable bouncy things. It was super fun. The plus? Grown ups could bounce with their kids. Which was awesome until I thought I was having a heart attack after five minutes of jumping. I was also the only mom bouncing and was getting the side eye from all the other moms. And you know what? Not my fault that you suck and are too self conscious to get in and get dirty.

After a bit Miss Sassafras decided she was Captain independent and wanted to bounce all alone. I was standing next to a group of woman and was being super polite and smiley and nice and they would have no part of it. I began to draw a conclusion that these women were pretty, jealous whores. Why? Because they looked like moms. You know, bad clothes, light colored high waisted tapered jeans, no makeup and“easy” hairstyle (read short minus product). Meanwhile, I looked fabulous in my stylish top and dark denim with my perfectly made up face and styled hair. Just because you push out a kid doesn’t mean you instantly have to start having a Chico’s kind of a day.

I started to feel really uncomfortable because the woman next to me kept looking me up and down and whispering amongst themselves. I try super hard to not turn into “Mega Bitch Jane” around Miss Sassafras. I’d rather have her believe that I’m always calm and a total lady. I wanted to turn around and step up and by like “What hookers? WHAT?” Then they would be all embarrassed and mutter something about liking my top and I’d be all “Bullshit sluts. I doubt you’re thirsty because you’ve been guzzling haterade. FACE!” Then I would storm away and start bouncing with Miss Sassafras all the while giving them the “I’m watching you” hand signal. Then THEY would feel all uncomfortable and pack their rude ass kids up and leave.
Who’s the winner? ME. That’s right.

On a side note if anyone should have been giving anyone the side eye it should have been me giving it to them. Their nasty ass kids were rude as hell! They would cut line and knock Miss Sassafras out of the way. My chicky cut line once and I snapped her ass into order quick. I told her to wait her turn and go to the end of the line. It’s called parenting. Meanwhile these hens kids spent the whole time being rude while the moms thought it was cute. Guess what? Maybe its cute NOW but lets see how cute it is 10 years from now when your kid is a total psycho and mine is awesome.

Again, I win.

Reason 4, 587 Why I Love Target

No one even deny the Target love. I mean seriously, when was the last time you went to Target and didn’t spend at least $100. Never. That’s when.

Today reminded me of another reason I love Target. I mean other than the low, low prices and cute, cute stuff. People watching. I was checking out and waiting patiently in line. The woman in front of me whips out her checkbook and I groan loudly on the inside. Such an action typically causes me to consult an calendar and make sure that it is in fact, not 1954. Today it was in fact 2009 but this woman was in her 80’s so who the hell knows. She could have dementia and think its not 1945 for all I know. Who am I to judge? (Shut it).

The old lady asks the clerk how to spell Target. Which completely catches the clerk off guard and she actually pauses to think about it for an unusually long amount of time. Here’s a tip – look at the freakin 4 trillion plastic bags next to you with TARGET emblazoned all over them. I decide to let it mentally slide because how many times do I forget my own zip code and age? Answer? All the time. So I keep smiling and waiting patiently in line. Then the old lady asks the clerk how to spell “twenty.”

The meeting of the minds begins.

These two Mensa members go back and forth for what feels like eternity trying to figure how exactly to spell “twenty.” I, could have, of course, jumped in at any time and assisted but where’s the fun in that? These two go back forth consulting with one another over the placement of the “w” and what have you and the whole time I’m laughing my ass off inside my head. They finally reach a consensus and the check is written.

So, just a side note…..if you can’t fucking spell do not write fucking checks.

I Can't Be the Only One, Right?

So we live in this lovely little age that has fun things like social networking. Which is great. It's fun to throw sheep at people and send snarky ass flair and letting your friends know every action you make.

But there is a dark side.

I know. SHOCK.

The problem lies in when people want to "friend" you and you have no damn clue who these people are. You investigate them as much as possible and find that they graduated from high school, college or elementary school - whatever- with you. You are drawing a complete blank on this person. You begin to panic and wonder if this person has been holding onto some special bond that you two shared. Which is kind of creepy that after all of these years of NOT talking NOT being friends.....anyway.

I always think that these people see me and begin flipping out "Oh My God there is Jane! We totally had AP French together and we were SO close senior year. Oh man, we had the bestest of times EVER! Oh man, I better friend her immediately!"

Then I get the request and I'm all "Who the hell are YOU? Let me take a look....oh we went to school together? Oh crap.....s/he looks vaguely familiar. .Oh no what do I do?" At this point I tend to vacillate between declining and accepting. Of course accepting gets me every time because I'm hoping that they will give me something, anything that explains just who the hell this person is.

Now I need a Xanax prescription because I'm scared to death that I'm going to run into people at the grocery store or Target who I'm now "friends" with. They'll be all "Jane! SO Good to see you!" I'll be all "WTF?" and throwing candy in my cart then having a total internal panic attack and just have to fake it through the whole thing. You know "Oh you! Hey! How are YOU?"

Of course during the whole conversation I would be trying to figure out how to get the hell out of this conversation. My eyes skirting the landscape looking for any kind of out. I would naturally begin franctically waving to a stranger and announce that "there's my ride - gots to biz-ounce" (because I think its important, when speaking to someone who YOU don't remember to make yourself as annoying as possible in order to ensure that the awkward "hey let me get your number" exchange doesn't happen.) Of course, since its me this person would inevitable follow me and check out right behind me thus ruining my "hey theres my ride" cover when the stranger I'm using begins to run away when I begin talking to them like we know each other. I mean really, why can't people just be cool?

Then I would be trapped in line for some long ass period of time while some person in front of me pays for their stuff in pennies. Thereby sucking me into a longer conversation with someone I don't know and then it gets to that awkward "we should SO get together again - this is JUST like old times." Really? REALLY? Back in high school did we awkwardly run into each other in public places while you corned me to ramble on about your boring ass life? Because if thats the case, no wonder I've forgotten all about you because, I know this may be a shock - but this? This? Not fun.

I would of course feel guilted into giving out my number and would do so. Then I would spend the next week or so freaking out every time my phone rings and refusing to answer calls from unknown numbers. Of course I would only be able to keep up the charade for so long before I would run into the "Unknown High School Chum" again and it would be awkward. But I think I know what I would say - you have to have a plan in situations like this. I would explain that I lost my phone and since I didn't have her number there was no way to call her and explain. Especially since my cell phone is my only phone. Then I would pretend that my new phone was vibrating in my pocket and pick it up and say convincingly "OH NO!" give my "chum" a concerned look and tell her that I have to go right away. I'll have tears welling in my eyes as I run out so that she won't chase me for my new number. Then I simply move to a new town and I'm out of that situation.

This Is Not Pedo Bear Approved- UPDATED

Alright someone needs to say this and apparently it has to be me.

Guys. When you walk into a Victoria’s Secret could you possibly attempt to not be super fucking creepy? How about you walk in and not give some naughty look to every woman purchasing underwear and bras.

Yes, yes I know. To you these are the sexy little undergarments that you get to see during special times. But guess what? It’s just underwear. No woman has ever skulked around the men’s underwear section of a store giving men the side eye and staring at their junk.

So how about you don’t do that either?

What if you just walked into VS like it was any other store and just purchased what needed to be purchased instead of walking around the store with a big retarded grin imagining every woman in her recent purchases?

And you know what makes it extra creepy? When you are with your teenage daughter.

Yeah.

Think about that for a minute. If you are in Victoria’s Secret being a pervert don’t you think that other guys could be in their having perverted thoughts about your special little angel?

Let that sink in.

So let’s all agree that if you can’t contain yourself for 10 minutes or at least make a reasonable attempt to hide your….um…..lascivious behavior that you do not enter said establishment.

Agreed?

UPDATE: Okay so I was at Victoria's Secret again this weekend making a return. I was strolling around the store to see if there was anything on sale when I heard the following exchange:

Saleswoman: So, I think this should work for you. Did you want to try it on?

75 year old Customer: Yes

Customer's Old Ass Husband: Can I watch?

Theoretically, this is a good thing. Because how cool is it that after presumably many years of marriage this man is still totally hot for his wife's body. But on the practical side, EW.
I was the only person who heard the husband say anything so I look inappropriate when I'm laughing my ass off at the panty island.

You're On Notice Saved by The Bell

What as the appeal of Zach Morris? The guy was super lame and had the dumbest lines ever yet girls threw themselves at him on a constant basis. Like really? I just don’t get the appeal. Whenever I watch Saved by the Bell I get completely taken out of the story and all I can focus on is why semi attractive woman seem to be falling all over themselves to get some of that. Zach was a total idiot and potentially a sociopath.

And why was it whenever they had a “special” Saved by the Bell (i.e., summer break work, Hawaii) Zach hooks up with some much older girl? What exactly is the age of consent in California, 12? Because I’m pretty sure a 27 year old making out with a 17 year old is not only disgusting but illegal. And seriously what grown ass woman is going to be pulled in by the charms of a sleezy 17 year old? How low is their self esteem? Inexplicably these woman tend to fall in love with Zach and turn to him for some kind of support or help. I mean come on. Is Saved by the Bell just a breeding ground for female sexual predators? Because it seems to me like they are really glamourizing it. I mean, what are we supposed to think its awesome with a 16 year old Zach lands an older chick? Where’s the episode where a 16 year old Lisa falls for a 30 year old guy? Of course that would be a very special episode. Where we would all learn about how older men prey on younger girls and she would end up getting beat up or something. But not Zach he just gets to make out and gets high fives.

I mean even when Kelly was what, 15 and dated the college guy Jeff no one batted an eye. Granted nothing untoward occured since Jeff was busy banging anything that moved that wasn't Kelly. Naturally, everyone was shocked that anyone would cheat on Kelly. Oh right, huge shocker that a 21 year old isn't going to cheat on his 15 year old girlfriend.

Um, what was my point?

Right.

What Saved by the Bell really taught young kids was that you just aren’t cool if you aren’t banging some older dude or chick.

Also it seemed like every show seemed to mention how poor Kelly’s family was yet she was constantly taking fancy vacations and never wore the same outfit twice. WTF Saved by the Bell? What kind of crap is that.

Apparently I Look Super Sexy Holding a Ducky Sippy Cup

Today was a ridiculously gorgeous day and I took Miss. Sassafras out to ride her bike around the neighborhood. She was all about it and she ended up biking along a main road. I’m following behind her and a guy slows down and woofs at me.

Uh, what?

Woof? Really? Why?

Okay first of all, I’m with a small child so um, yeah….NO. Are you REALLY going to woof at me around a little girl? What the hell kind of bullshit is that?

Secondly, really? WTF is the woof about? I never understood why men feel compelled to shout things out the window at women. What is the expectation there? Am I supposed to abandon my small child and run into traffic and chase down his car and beg him to do filthy, naughty things to me? Because I was in 3 inch wedge sandals and there was no way in hell I was running.

Then about a half block later a guy in another car shouted something about breast feeding him which just made no damn sense. Um, Miss. Sassafras is not a baby she’s 4 years old. Duh, Shouty McDouchebag 4 year olds don’t breast feed. What a dumbass.

I ended up diverting Miss. Sassafras down a back street towards the house because I didn’t think she needed to hear me get bombarded with anymore factually inaccurate or retarded catcalls.

So, Could This Be a Sign of the End Times?

Okay, this website is really disturbing on a few fronts.

1) SERIOUSLY?

2) About 90% of the stuff is something I would totally go for on the first day of my period (yeah I know TMI but whateves)

3) The thought that some culinary mastermind came up with these dishes to begin with is insane to me. These pltes are all the true definition of food porn.