What's Up Bitches!

I rock.

Top. Tier. Literary. Agent.

That's right bitches, I got a partial manuscript request from one of my top tier peeps. This has yet to happen in this tireless pursuit of a book deal. I've gotten requests but its been mostly from my bottom rung people. But this guy? Grade A Filet Mignon.

I'm dancing.

This is so exhilarating. I'm trying desperately to live in the moment and not spiral down into "what if" scenarios. It's imperative for writers to live in each moment fully. So right now I'm glugging down a big, fat glass of "woo-hoo!!!!!"

Compliment City - Population: Me!

So on occasion people in my life seriously rock.

A friend of mine (who happened to beta my MS - that would be manuscript for those of you not in the know) called to tell me "You totally have to read this book! This chick sounds just like you! She is so funny just like how you're funny!"

The book?

Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.

That's right I have been compared to Jen. Granted it has not been on a national level or by The New York Times or anything. But this comment did come from one of my more "observationally challenged" friends. So I feel like it's a big deal.

Look, I don't care if you're judging me for being too excited about this. I'm comfortable with my level of obsession it's not really my problem if it makes you uncomfortable.

All I'm trying to say is love ya Jen, you make me laugh so hard that sometimes I seriously think I might die. And knowing that someone felt that way about both my MS and Jen's PUBLISHED NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING book - makes me feel all warm and snuggly inside.

WOO-HOO!

That's right bitches I KILLED NaNoWriMo!!!!

Yes, my novel is a piece of garbage. Yes it is rattled with plot holes and stuff that makes no sense. Yes the story starts one way and violently veers off in another direction. Yes, it is a terrible book that will likely never see the light of the day.

But you know what?

I DID IT!

I did something that tons of people talk about doing. I wrote a novel. I wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That is unbelievable. I never would have thought that I could write that many words in such a short period of time. But I did it!

This was an amazing experience and was really something to do it and see it through. There were so many times that I wanted to quit or never thought that I would finish. I wanted to walk away so many times but I never did. That is what makes me the most proud. I now feel like I have the perseverance to fight through everything involved in the literary world and make a splash with my first book. I will never give up until my book is on a bookshelf near you.

Now I can get back to having a life and working on my manuscripts that will actually make me money.

Do 5-year-olds like Profanity Laced Stories Featuring Dinosaurs?

Fella: So what have you been doing today?

Me: Writing. I’m stuck at a place in the novel. I’m not sure what to do with the characters…

Fella: They are 90 buzzards, or is it vultures, no it’s buzzards.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Fella: There are buzzards flying over the road. I think something died.

Me: You do realize that what you said was totally off topic and I had no clue what you were talking about, right?

Fella: Yeah, I know.

Me: Just alerting you to your ADD

Fella: You’re lucky you didn’t know me when I was a kid. I could never sit still. In fact my uncle commented on how much I’ve changed since I was little.

Me: You still run around like an idiot

Fella: No.

Me: Yes

Fella: No

Me: Yes, you do but its not by choice anymore. Oh thank God you aren’t like that anymore. You would be so annoying to date. I would punch you in the head

Fella: Couldn’t catch me

Me: What? Like hell I couldn’t. I was a hyper kid too I know its hard to imagine that now what with all the loafing.

Fella: You just smoked crack. Wait….did they have crack when you were little?

Me: Jesus Christ how old do you think I am? Hello? 80’s was all about crack. I was alive for the entire decade! When the hell do you think I was born?

Fella: 2008.

Me: Pedophile.

I would like to point out that I was completely pissed that this conversation never came full circle back to me. Though later on Fella did recommend that I “throw some aliens and whatever into the book” and helpfully recommended “people like dinosaurs.” You know who likes dinosaurs? 5 year olds. You know what else? Aliens or dinosaurs NOT going to work in the context of my novel that I have in fact been talking about every day. Seriously, Fella is getting Adderall ASAP. Or I’m getting a shock collar I can’t decide which one would be better. Who am I kidding? The shock collar would be WAY funnier.

Agents Rock

(Please note this post is NOT sarcastic. I'm actually being genuine here)

The road to getting published is a long and bumpy one. It's a complicated process that comes across as completely counter intuitive. It's confusing, tricky and frankly, hard.

When you finish the book thats when the hard stuff starts.

I've been submitting to agents all over this great nation. I want desperately to hit reply on so many rejections. Why? Not to blast them for rejecting my work but to tell them how kind and amazing their rejection letters are.

Seriously.

You should read some of them. They are so encouraging that it makes me want to cry. It also touches me so much when you can tell that the letter is not a "form rejection" (though some of those are great too). For an agent to take a minute out of their insane day to write a personalized rejection it makes me feel like my book has something but its really isn't right for them.

So. thank you agents. You guys are so overworked and so pressed for time and when you take a minute to make sure that your rejection letter is encouraging and nice it makes a big difference to the writer.

Living on the Edge

Non-fiction writers live a dangerous existence. There is a fine line that must be walked.

I am a humorous memoirist. Meaning that I write about all the funny shit that happens in my life. My writing stalls out when I don't have hilarious events occurring fairly regularly.

Right now the funny is nowhere to be found. Granted, I know I allow situations to play out longer than they should. I also tend to stick around when I see something insane going on just to see how it plays out and to see if I can write about it.

Fiction writes gently plot out the actions of their characters. They outline their whole story and get to writing. Doesn't exactly work that way for those of us who live on the edge.

NaNoWriMo Madness

I'm nuts.

There is this little deal that happens every year called NaNoWriMo. I have joined.

What is it? Well you agree to participate in writing a 50,000 word fiction book in the course of a month.

Uh, I don't do fiction and yet I've joined.

Damn peer pressure.

Well it all starts November 1st.

If anyone is interested www.nanowrimo.org

Join and torture yourself. It's fun!

BLOCKED

Writers block.

Dammit. AGAIN.

I suppose this is the ebb and flow that goes with being a creative person. There are days when I can barely do anything because it just flows out of me. There are days when I can barely finish a shower because the moment I get in a totally brilliant paragraph, sentence or thought enters my head and I have to leap out in order to capture my thoughts.

Sadly, today is not one of those days. I can barely keep a thought in my head for a moment let alone long enough to really contemplate anything or form any brilliant sentences or paragraphs. I hate these moments. It feels like a mental drought. As much as I want to keep plugging away it just seems pointless since nothing I'm writing is good and is barely coherent.

Ugh. I suppose tomorrow is another day.

Replace Water Boarding

Do you have any idea the level of torture it is to write about a past relationship in the present tense? Like they should consider replacing waterboarding with talking about your ex in the present tense. Those terrorists would turn so fast.

It makes me throw up in my mouth to write sentences like "I love him SO much.". GAG. NO. SUCK.

It was one thing for me to write about the breakup. Everyone wants the opportunity to paint their ex as the horrible mustache twirling villain at the end of the affair. Luckily I got to do so and it was also an accurate depiction. Only difference? I wasn't tied to the railroad tracks with some heroic savior just in the distance. I was tied to the railroad tracks with the train barreling down while he laughed. Asshat.

Writing about the beginning of the relationship, not so much fun. I've had to switch my thinking and think from my "characters" perspective in that moment not my perspective months and months later. Initially it was really hard to write those things. I think right now I just feel so removed from it that it does feel like two characters I've dreamed up. Not actual, real experiences I went through.

All I can hope is that adding these things into my book will make it a richer, better book.