What's Up Bitches!

I rock.

Top. Tier. Literary. Agent.

That's right bitches, I got a partial manuscript request from one of my top tier peeps. This has yet to happen in this tireless pursuit of a book deal. I've gotten requests but its been mostly from my bottom rung people. But this guy? Grade A Filet Mignon.

I'm dancing.

This is so exhilarating. I'm trying desperately to live in the moment and not spiral down into "what if" scenarios. It's imperative for writers to live in each moment fully. So right now I'm glugging down a big, fat glass of "woo-hoo!!!!!"

Compliment City - Population: Me!

So on occasion people in my life seriously rock.

A friend of mine (who happened to beta my MS - that would be manuscript for those of you not in the know) called to tell me "You totally have to read this book! This chick sounds just like you! She is so funny just like how you're funny!"

The book?

Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.

That's right I have been compared to Jen. Granted it has not been on a national level or by The New York Times or anything. But this comment did come from one of my more "observationally challenged" friends. So I feel like it's a big deal.

Look, I don't care if you're judging me for being too excited about this. I'm comfortable with my level of obsession it's not really my problem if it makes you uncomfortable.

All I'm trying to say is love ya Jen, you make me laugh so hard that sometimes I seriously think I might die. And knowing that someone felt that way about both my MS and Jen's PUBLISHED NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING book - makes me feel all warm and snuggly inside.

WOO-HOO!

That's right bitches I KILLED NaNoWriMo!!!!

Yes, my novel is a piece of garbage. Yes it is rattled with plot holes and stuff that makes no sense. Yes the story starts one way and violently veers off in another direction. Yes, it is a terrible book that will likely never see the light of the day.

But you know what?

I DID IT!

I did something that tons of people talk about doing. I wrote a novel. I wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That is unbelievable. I never would have thought that I could write that many words in such a short period of time. But I did it!

This was an amazing experience and was really something to do it and see it through. There were so many times that I wanted to quit or never thought that I would finish. I wanted to walk away so many times but I never did. That is what makes me the most proud. I now feel like I have the perseverance to fight through everything involved in the literary world and make a splash with my first book. I will never give up until my book is on a bookshelf near you.

Now I can get back to having a life and working on my manuscripts that will actually make me money.

Do You Buy It Dinner First?

Um, there are reasons that a book is rejected by “traditional” publishers. Sometimes that reason is that something is incredibly fucked up and violently disgusting. This, this would be self-published for that reason.

By the way totally worth the click to read the comments. HILARIOUS.

Do 5-year-olds like Profanity Laced Stories Featuring Dinosaurs?

Fella: So what have you been doing today?

Me: Writing. I’m stuck at a place in the novel. I’m not sure what to do with the characters…

Fella: They are 90 buzzards, or is it vultures, no it’s buzzards.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Fella: There are buzzards flying over the road. I think something died.

Me: You do realize that what you said was totally off topic and I had no clue what you were talking about, right?

Fella: Yeah, I know.

Me: Just alerting you to your ADD

Fella: You’re lucky you didn’t know me when I was a kid. I could never sit still. In fact my uncle commented on how much I’ve changed since I was little.

Me: You still run around like an idiot

Fella: No.

Me: Yes

Fella: No

Me: Yes, you do but its not by choice anymore. Oh thank God you aren’t like that anymore. You would be so annoying to date. I would punch you in the head

Fella: Couldn’t catch me

Me: What? Like hell I couldn’t. I was a hyper kid too I know its hard to imagine that now what with all the loafing.

Fella: You just smoked crack. Wait….did they have crack when you were little?

Me: Jesus Christ how old do you think I am? Hello? 80’s was all about crack. I was alive for the entire decade! When the hell do you think I was born?

Fella: 2008.

Me: Pedophile.

I would like to point out that I was completely pissed that this conversation never came full circle back to me. Though later on Fella did recommend that I “throw some aliens and whatever into the book” and helpfully recommended “people like dinosaurs.” You know who likes dinosaurs? 5 year olds. You know what else? Aliens or dinosaurs NOT going to work in the context of my novel that I have in fact been talking about every day. Seriously, Fella is getting Adderall ASAP. Or I’m getting a shock collar I can’t decide which one would be better. Who am I kidding? The shock collar would be WAY funnier.

Agents Rock

(Please note this post is NOT sarcastic. I'm actually being genuine here)

The road to getting published is a long and bumpy one. It's a complicated process that comes across as completely counter intuitive. It's confusing, tricky and frankly, hard.

When you finish the book thats when the hard stuff starts.

I've been submitting to agents all over this great nation. I want desperately to hit reply on so many rejections. Why? Not to blast them for rejecting my work but to tell them how kind and amazing their rejection letters are.

Seriously.

You should read some of them. They are so encouraging that it makes me want to cry. It also touches me so much when you can tell that the letter is not a "form rejection" (though some of those are great too). For an agent to take a minute out of their insane day to write a personalized rejection it makes me feel like my book has something but its really isn't right for them.

So. thank you agents. You guys are so overworked and so pressed for time and when you take a minute to make sure that your rejection letter is encouraging and nice it makes a big difference to the writer.

Why Didn't I Write That?

I read this lovely book this weekend.

The Book of Jane by Anne Dayton & May Vanderbilt

Nathan Bransford, Literary Agent, listed this book as one he wished he agented. Well, now I wish I wrote it. The book is so beautiful. I didn't want the book to end. There are not many books that I can say that about. I devoured this book. I can only hope to incite the same reaction in others.

The book is a modern re-telling of the Book of Job. As a side note, who knew there was Christian Chick Lit?

What I love about this book is how inspiring it is. The main character loses everything but is still able to retain her faith. Like most chick lit books it helps you remember that sometimes things do work out, in real life it just takes longer than 300 pages.

Replace Water Boarding

Do you have any idea the level of torture it is to write about a past relationship in the present tense? Like they should consider replacing waterboarding with talking about your ex in the present tense. Those terrorists would turn so fast.

It makes me throw up in my mouth to write sentences like "I love him SO much.". GAG. NO. SUCK.

It was one thing for me to write about the breakup. Everyone wants the opportunity to paint their ex as the horrible mustache twirling villain at the end of the affair. Luckily I got to do so and it was also an accurate depiction. Only difference? I wasn't tied to the railroad tracks with some heroic savior just in the distance. I was tied to the railroad tracks with the train barreling down while he laughed. Asshat.

Writing about the beginning of the relationship, not so much fun. I've had to switch my thinking and think from my "characters" perspective in that moment not my perspective months and months later. Initially it was really hard to write those things. I think right now I just feel so removed from it that it does feel like two characters I've dreamed up. Not actual, real experiences I went through.

All I can hope is that adding these things into my book will make it a richer, better book.

Getting Real, Y'All

So, I’m writing this book all about my crazy ass time at the matchmaking agency. I gave the book to some people whose opinions I trusted and respected. One of my amazing friends suggested that I work on character development. I said okay but, didn’t really understand what she was talking about. Then verses hit me. Sentences came pouring into my mind first thing in the morning. I began to see what she meant. I never got real with myself while writing the book. I was protecting myself. I was afraid to look bad, stupid or foolish but I realized that this experience was all things bad, stupid and foolish. How could I leave that out?

It’s hard to admit when you’ve made mistakes and it’s even harder to do so in print especially, when you plan on having people purchase your book. My amazing friend did point out that people will see me as a character. I guess that’s better. Wish me luck as I dive down into the dregs.