So.....I woke up this morning with this hilarious idea for a post. I was practically peeing my pants laughing so hard at my own humorous genius. Then I sat down later on to write and guess what? No clue what the hell was so damn funny this morning.
If it comes back to me you guys might actually get a real post.
Until then let Holy Taco amuse you with their list of The 8 Worst Types of Retail Employees
You're welcome.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Pistol Whipping Baked Goods
My BFF is a elementary school teacher and is becoming increasingly frustrated with children. That's all you really need to know here
BFF: I'm so tired of kids
Me: You are in the wrong profession. Can you just like, lock them in the closet or something?
BFF: I think that might be considered illegal. Would you visit me in prison?
Me: I'd bake you a cake with a shank in it. They still let you do that, right?
BFF: You would have to do it like they used to do in Duck Tales, where its obviously something else and the handle is sticking out.
Me: Oh that would so rock. They'd be all "what's with the cake?" and I'd be all "what are you talking about! This was the CAKE PAN SHAPE." Then the guards would feel all embarrassed and not even pat me down, which would be a mistake on their part - because I'd have a gun. Then I'd pull it out and pistol whip the guards and break you out.
BFF: They don't know the power of Jane. All breaking people out of prison and crap.
Me: It's just because I'm such a good friend.
BFF: I'm so tired of kids
Me: You are in the wrong profession. Can you just like, lock them in the closet or something?
BFF: I think that might be considered illegal. Would you visit me in prison?
Me: I'd bake you a cake with a shank in it. They still let you do that, right?
BFF: You would have to do it like they used to do in Duck Tales, where its obviously something else and the handle is sticking out.
Me: Oh that would so rock. They'd be all "what's with the cake?" and I'd be all "what are you talking about! This was the CAKE PAN SHAPE." Then the guards would feel all embarrassed and not even pat me down, which would be a mistake on their part - because I'd have a gun. Then I'd pull it out and pistol whip the guards and break you out.
BFF: They don't know the power of Jane. All breaking people out of prison and crap.
Me: It's just because I'm such a good friend.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It was a different time, a simpler time, a time filled with easy loving hate.
What the hell is up with this?
This video raises several questions:
1)How exactly do you tell time with a clock populated with nothing but swastikas? Does it just mean it's Nazi time, all the time?
2) Was Walt Disney an anti-Semite?
3) Why is their a Mickey Rooney "Breakfast at Tiffany's" era Japanese fella in Nazi regalia?
4) Were talking, pantsless ducks considered part of the Master race?
Discuss.
PS Sorry that I'm not technologically fancy enough to embed a video. We all have our limitations.
This video raises several questions:
1)How exactly do you tell time with a clock populated with nothing but swastikas? Does it just mean it's Nazi time, all the time?
2) Was Walt Disney an anti-Semite?
3) Why is their a Mickey Rooney "Breakfast at Tiffany's" era Japanese fella in Nazi regalia?
4) Were talking, pantsless ducks considered part of the Master race?
Discuss.
PS Sorry that I'm not technologically fancy enough to embed a video. We all have our limitations.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
House: Proving All Doctors Are Incomptent
I’m going to be brave and just come out and say it.
Every single episode of “House” is exactly the same.
There.
I’ve done what all of you were too afraid to do. That’s right bitches I’m calling out House.
Here is how it goes:
Symptoms present
House and his team meet –they come up with a diagnosis
Someone on the team (House or another member) argues against the majority rule
They break into the patients house (Why can’t they just ask for approval to check it out? Why is it always a B & E?)
They were wrong about their initial diagnosis
The team and House come up with three or four other things that it could be and just treat the shit out of the patient, which of course backfires
The above leads to near death or some sort of surgery that shows them just how wrong they have been all along about what’s wrong
House randomly solves the medical puzzle and the person is totally fine
End of Show.
BAM. That’s it.
Oh and there is always a fight between House and Cuddy.
Why yes, I did just watch a House marathon – why do you ask?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sometimes I Get My Panties in an Uproar
Okay.
The “stylist” from Confessions of a Teen Idol looks HORRIBLE.
She is trashing these guys down and she looks like she rummaged her blouse out of the bargain bin at RAVE from 1993 and she is telling people they look “early 2000.”
Yeah.
Note to “Jen the Stylist”: Layered necklaces? OVER. Ruffled, sheer blouses? OVER.
And Jen? Your makeup looks late 1990’s.
Stop with the cunt face and shut it.
PS I’m not mad at Jen for trashing the guys on the shows. I’m mostly mad at her for trashing people for looking bad when she looks TERRIBLE.
PPS I mean seriously, that green ruffled blouse she is wearing I swear I remember digging on that back in 1995 at NY & Company.
PPPS What “celebrities” does she dress? Because I seriously wouldn’t let this bitch dress my dog.
The “stylist” from Confessions of a Teen Idol looks HORRIBLE.
She is trashing these guys down and she looks like she rummaged her blouse out of the bargain bin at RAVE from 1993 and she is telling people they look “early 2000.”
Yeah.
Note to “Jen the Stylist”: Layered necklaces? OVER. Ruffled, sheer blouses? OVER.
And Jen? Your makeup looks late 1990’s.
Stop with the cunt face and shut it.
PS I’m not mad at Jen for trashing the guys on the shows. I’m mostly mad at her for trashing people for looking bad when she looks TERRIBLE.
PPS I mean seriously, that green ruffled blouse she is wearing I swear I remember digging on that back in 1995 at NY & Company.
PPPS What “celebrities” does she dress? Because I seriously wouldn’t let this bitch dress my dog.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Is Plan B Promoting Promiscuity AND Abortions?
Now, before the hate emails start pouring in let me just say I’m all for Plan B.
But the commercial? WTF?
So perplexed.
It shows the girls walking up alone – which hi what kind of low rent boyfriend leaves after the condom breaks? Maybe after getting that Plan B you should evaluate the state of your relationship honey. Maybe while swallowing that pill you should be asking yourself “if my boyfriend really loved me would he have bolted the second the condom broke? Would he have run out the door whilst putting on his pants while I sobbed hysterically rocking back and forth?”
FYI – The answer is if you’re boyfriend cared at all he wouldn’t also be banging your best friend.
But I digress.
After presumably taking Plan B they show the girls go about with their lives. One is getting take out and chatting on her phone, another is painting her toe nails and the blonde girl is shopping for books with her boyfriend.
So? Are we to assume that the other girls are just total promiscuous whores who narrowly escaped getting knocked up by the guy that bought them an appletini and a blow job shot?
Because I’m pretty sure that’s what that commercial is saying.
But the commercial? WTF?
So perplexed.
It shows the girls walking up alone – which hi what kind of low rent boyfriend leaves after the condom breaks? Maybe after getting that Plan B you should evaluate the state of your relationship honey. Maybe while swallowing that pill you should be asking yourself “if my boyfriend really loved me would he have bolted the second the condom broke? Would he have run out the door whilst putting on his pants while I sobbed hysterically rocking back and forth?”
FYI – The answer is if you’re boyfriend cared at all he wouldn’t also be banging your best friend.
But I digress.
After presumably taking Plan B they show the girls go about with their lives. One is getting take out and chatting on her phone, another is painting her toe nails and the blonde girl is shopping for books with her boyfriend.
So? Are we to assume that the other girls are just total promiscuous whores who narrowly escaped getting knocked up by the guy that bought them an appletini and a blow job shot?
Because I’m pretty sure that’s what that commercial is saying.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
My friends? Not so Good with the "Practical" Advice
What lies before is the transcript of an actual conversation between myself and my best friend. The context? I was pissing and moaning about looking for a job and she was offering up helpful suggestions:
BFF: Hubby says you need a sugar daddy
Me: Ha! That would be awesome as long as he wasn’t disgusting…wait, why can’t I find a nice, hot, rich guy who is willing to support me in every way?
BFF: Hmmm…take out an ad!
Me: “Lazy girl seeks a man to support her. No weirdos or fatties need apply – just hot, hot, hot men with lots of cash”
BFF: I like it!
Me: I think it should work Wait, I should probably add “no anal”
BFF: Hmm that might be a bit much
Me: No you have to be specific. If I’m not just any fat, sweaty, loaded weirdo looking for anal could come rolling in and no one wants that.
BFF: What if he is a rich, good looking hottie looking for anal? You have to give a little
Me: I don’t know. It would depend on his portfolio.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Can't. Stop. Laughing. (Yes I'm twelve - shut it)
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