Bitter Pudding

Quiet Saturday Afternoons

2009-10-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

Me: "What the hell do you have on?"

Fella: "Safety goggles, hockey mask. You know, for safety."

Me: "And what exactly is all this safety for?"

Fella: "Cutting down the tree out back."

Me: "So you'll have a chainsaw?"

Fella: "Yup."

Me: "And a hockey mask with safety goggles?"

Fella: "Yup"

Me: "You look like a special needs serial killer."

Fella: "You know what would be funny, if I was naked."

Me: "Yeah because I think most men believe the safest thing to do is have wood shrapnel and a chainsaw near their exposed man parts."

Fella: (totally ignoring me) "Oh man, then all the neighborhood kids would be totally afraid of playing on our lawn."

Me: "Yeah and that whole 'Meghan's Law' thing will make it even scarier."

At Least Now You Know What Happened to All the Singles from the Monopoly Game

2009-09-07T06:00:00.001-07:00

Okay so there is some chatter on the internets about this pole dancing doll and whether or not its real.

Either way, welcome to the apocalypse.

(image from www.gizmodo.com)

What's Italian For Duck?

2009-09-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's been hot as hell and there was no way that I was cooking. I ran out to the local pizza joint to get dinner because apparently some people are too good for cereal. I place my order and sit down to wait for my food. Then I heard a SMACK.

I naturally assumed it was part of good-natured teasing amongst the teenage staff. You know how it goes. Two teenagers work together and flirt by throwing shit at one another. Ah, young love. So I ignore the smack and go about my business. A minute later I hear it again, only this time louder. I look up.

What the crap?

A duck.

A DUCK.

A motherfucking duck.

A duck had somehow wondered his duck ass into the back door of the pizza parlor, marched his ass through the kitchen and was now attempting to fly out of the glass window.

This attempt to fly through glass happened not once, not twice but three times.

On the duck's third attempt to fly to freedom through the glass the crazy, ass, old Italian guy who owns the place starts trying to get the duck with a pizza paddle. Oh, right so on the third attempt the duck actually falls behind the "pizza assembly station" and is no stuck. So the crazy old Italian guy is attempting to get the duck out from behind the station with a pizza paddle. And yes, it is the exact same paddle they normally use to extract delicious cheesy pizza from the oven.

Finally the duck comes out from behind the station and the COIG starts doing what could best be described as spanking the duck (and no that's not a euphemism). The whole time he is spanking the duck he is yelling at it in both English and Italian (because I guess some ducks are bilingual.) It goes something like this:

COIG: (Unintelligable Italian - potentially cursing)

Duck :

COIG: Hey ya! Stupid duck!

(Paddle smack)

COIG: Hey-a duck! Why you NO MOVE?

(Paddle smack)

COIG: (More unintelligable Italian - definitely cursing)

While this is all taking place the young Italian guy continues to make pizzas. I shit you not. He just keeps flipping out dough, spinning it out, dumping on sauce and toppings and throwing them in the oven. The best part? The young Italian guy does not even acknowledge what is going on right behind him. Like this is total old hat. As if everyday he watched some old guy spank a duck and curse at it in Italian. And if thats the case we are so NEVER getting pizza from this place again because I highly doubt they have a pizza paddle exclusively devoted to duck spanking. Even if they do chances are high they could get those paddles mixed up. It's not like one says "duck spanker."

I digress.

After about five minutes the COIG realizes that spanking the duck is doing nothing. In all the time the duck has maybe walked five inches. As if a lightbulb has gone off in this guys head. He starts screaming for a broom. Then he basically plays shuffleboard with the duck. He would sit the broom right behind the ducks butt and just slide the duck across the floor. I'm guessing the duck was okay with it because it never moved or quacked or anything.

Finally the COIG gets the duck out the front door. He walks back in and looks at me and goes "You see that duck?" and makes a shrugging motion with his shoulders and walks away. I then watch him take the broom that was just maybe raping that duck and puts it back in its place. Uh? Shouldn't that be thrown out or disinfected or something? And I'm fairly certain no one has removed the duck spanking paddle.

So basically there is a 50/50 chance we may have gotten botulism from the duck spanking paddle. And you can bet that I didn't eat a slice of that.

Conversations with Fella #436

2009-08-27T05:05:00.000-07:00

Me: "Did the job end today?"

Fella: "Yup. Laid off. I have to go to the union hall to see what's available now."

Me: "Oh I'm sure something will come up."

Fella: "Yeah or else I'm going to have to take a side job like that guy in Hung. You know, hook."

Me: "Okay. Well, if you start hooking than so will I. Then we'll see who is a better whore."

Fella: ....

Me: "What? You think you'd be a better whore than me?"

Fella: "No, naturally you'd be the better whore."

Me: "WHAT?"

Fella: "You know, guys will sleep with anyone."

Me: "What? Oh so I'd be a charity fuck as a whore. Is that what you're saying?"

Fella: "No, I just mean its easier for girls. You know, you guys can sleep with anyone."

Me: "Uh-huh. Interesting hole for you to dig yourself out of here."

Fella: "You know, I don't think I'd be a very good hooker. I have to be attracted to someone to sleep with them. Like remember Leona Helmsley? I don't know how guys did her."

Me: "So basically you're giving up because you already know I'd win our hooker competition?"

Fella: "If that's what you need to believe."

I would just like to say that I would totally be the better whore. And I'm not sure if thats a win but let's just call it that, okay? I mean Fella is handsome and ladies check him out all the time. But I mean really? Let's think about the kind of woman who can't get laid on her own and a requires a hooker.

Exactly.

Plus dudes solicit male hookers and I just don't see Fella working with that.

Analysis?

I win.

How Hard Is Hygiene?

2009-08-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

So, um. Yeah. Am I missing something?

I understand the economy has fallen on hard times but are soap and water in desperate short supply? Is it impossible to find laundry detergent?

I only ask because based on my experiences today I would say yes, yes it is in fact all in short supply.

I mean, I know I showered, applied deodorant, and even wore freshly laundered clothes. I mean, I was JUST at Target and they still had aisles FULL of the stuff. I mean it was right there all on the shelves. Anyone could have just walked into the store, put some in their cart, paid for and it went on their merry way.

Maybe for some this is a highly guarded secret. I don't know. I'm not God. But when you come into an enclosed space you must know that you reek? Apparently for this guy. No clue. Just sitting there on his happy ass stinking like a donkey after a days work. Except, hi, it was morning.

I wish social decorum was such that I could have turned to him and ask him to vacate the car wash waiting area due to his unholy stench. I could have asked if he ever considered running himself through the car wash but that might have been too rude.

And on a side note. You don't wash your own ass BUT you are washing your car? COME ON.

Some of you might be thinking "Oh Jane, he just came from the gym or something. Stop being a judgmental bitch." Well, hookers you're wrong. The dude was in business attire meaning he was planning on taking his stench and accosting people with it in a workplace environment.

While it did feel like my olfactory senses were raped it did give me an idea.

I could help these rank individuals. I will begin to carry with me (at all times) travel sized soaps and deodorants. After all, if we learned anything from my hobo ninja post it's this - Be The Change! See a need and fill it!

I'm Back Bitches

2009-08-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

Fella was saying he wasn't sure if I should write anything about Miss. Sassafras. I calmly explained to him that it didn't matter since its not like anyone knows who the hell we are anyway (which didn't stop Fella from requesting me to stop writing about him since I was, and I quote, "making him look retarded.") I reiterated that hello? People we know SO don't read this blog. People we don't even know barely read this blog.

Then Fella pulled out his trump card and slammed it on the table. So, I got drunk once (shut it) and bragged to everyone at an intimate get together about how hilarious I am on my blog. Of course, in my recollection I was simply defending myself since I was, in fact, being hilarious but no one seemed to agree. Of course people we knew THEN started reading the blog and apparently some of Fella's friends made fun of him. Which led to the request that I "stop posting our conversations verbatim." Which was confusing to me because I wasn't sure if that meant I was now able to take artistic license or just start making shit up.

Anyway. I told Fella that it was good for me to post stuff because people always look at us as a couple all side eyed since I'm usual drunk and blabbering on the outside but they NEVER realize that HE is drunk and blabbering on the inside.

Fellas response?

"That doesn't make ANY sense."

Me: "Pretty sure it does."

Fella: "Whatever. Maybe you should start taking meds."

Regardless of whether or not I should be on meds I will cease writing about Miss. Sassafras but I REFUSE to stop writing about Fella. He is just too damn hilarious to not share with the world.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

This Can't End Well...

2009-03-30T15:59:00.001-07:00

So, I've been totally slacking in the posting department and I'm sorry. The truth is that I write plenty to post on her but not everything makes it through my filtering process. Why the hell are you people shocked? I do have a filtering system. In interest of proving that 1) I actually do write more than post and 2) that I have an actual filtration system (like a Brita!) here are two of the least disturbing posts that I chose to NOT post:

"Does anyone else find the new cheetos commercials completely disturbing?

What I basically get from these commercials is that eating copious amounts of cheetos does NOT make you obese, as previously believed. No, no, no. What it does is make you insane. My guess is that something inside of the orange powder conflicts with your neurons, adapters and chemicals in your brain effectively “shorting you out.” The result? You begin to see a tiny, smooth talking Chester Cheetah everywhere you go telling you to do bad things to people.

Granted the overly trendy girl saying “ew” ad nasuem was totally asking for it. But come on, wiping orange cheeto dust all over someone’s white jacket? That’s just uncalled for no matter how annoying they are. That cheeto dust is no joke. That stuff barely comes out of black sweat pants let only anything white. I basically throw a tarp down and eat on that whenever I choose to indulge in cheetos. I think its only smart to be responsible and hey, safety first! Right? If that’s the case maybe a bio hazard suit is more appropriate.

The point?

Those commercials are creepy as hell and seem more like they should be commercials for some sort of anti-psychotic. Because its not normal for a snack food to cause delusions. Isn’t that how that whole “Son of Sam” thing started? I’m not saying Cheetos caused that whole mess but you know, the whole “my dog told me to kill people” think is awfully similar to Chester Cheetah telling those enjoying his snack to do horrible things."

Is it just me or do most foreign languages sound like complete gibberish? I’m serious it just sounds like someone just making it up as they are going along. You know who is the biggest offender of this? Asian countries.

And while we are talking about it why do all Asian people smoke? Okay maybe not ALL Asian people but far and wide I always see Asian people smoking. Is it because they are trying to look cool? Because its not working.

Is that racist?

Just asking. "

So my question to you is fewer posts or crap like this?

That's what I thought

Self Esteem Boost! Feel Better About You're Life!

2009-03-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you look around at the world and are all "what the fuck?" You know, because you feel like your life may potentially suck. Sure you've got real friends, Facebook friends, email friends and potentially imaginary friends (I'm not judging). But is it really enough? I sure as hell hope it is. If not, then I do in fact have the perfect product for you:

Yeah, it's EXACTLY what it looks like. Someone has created stickers that you can place on your iPhone that make it look like you have a text message. You know, for when having a tea party with your cats just isn't cutting it anymore.

I Should Totally Be Mayor

2009-03-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about how my city is totally in the crapper crime wise. I thought "someone should totally do something about that." I was thinking about how it's mostly my sisters fault. She's a defense attorney not a king pin. Seriously, I constantly blame it on her: Me: Way to make the city shitty Her: Shut the hell up.

Then I remembered BTC. Be. The. Change.

So got out the ol' thinking grenades and did some mental damage. BAM. Lightbulb. Hey, there's lots of homeless people, right? People are always complaining about a lack of police and how there is no money to hire new cops. Why increase the police force who are going to want actually money when you could pay hobos with food, booze and anti-psychotics!

The plan goes a little something like this:

Hobos + Ninja Training + Flame Throwers = No Crime.

I know.

It's awesome.

You might be asking yourself what if one of the hobo ninja assassians skips a dose of their schizophrenia medication? Simple.The hobo ninjas do not get the flamethrower for their shift until AFTER the drugs. I'm a genius, hello? Not stupid.

Seriously, who would commit crime knowing a street wise ninja hobo with a flame thrower could step out of an alley and burn your ass. Sure, prison might be cool to thugs but guess what's not? The burn unit.

Bringing Things Down for a Minute

2009-03-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

This is a very important list and it is being posted for a very specific reason. The above list are the signs of being with an abuser. Keep in mind that not all points on the list must be "hit" just a few of these are symptoms of being with a very unhealthy person. Please everyone read it and forward to everyone you know.

What's Up Bitches!

2009-03-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

I rock.

Top. Tier. Literary. Agent.

That's right bitches, I got a partial manuscript request from one of my top tier peeps. This has yet to happen in this tireless pursuit of a book deal. I've gotten requests but its been mostly from my bottom rung people. But this guy? Grade A Filet Mignon.

I'm dancing.

This is so exhilarating. I'm trying desperately to live in the moment and not spiral down into "what if" scenarios. It's imperative for writers to live in each moment fully. So right now I'm glugging down a big, fat glass of "woo-hoo!!!!!"

Why Google May Cause Me to Shoot Myself in the Head

2009-03-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

So I was checking out my awesome/disturbing Google analytics (typo....but it stays...HA! anal) page today and apparently a lot of people wonder onto my site because they are searching for one of two things:

1. Bod Man Body Spray

2. Bitter Pudding

What does this say about me as a bloggess? I don't know. But I find it deeply depressing. Because see, I don't know if the people who are searching for bitter pudding are looking for my blog or if there is something awesome out there called bitter pudding and they become totally despondent upon stumbling upon my blog. I also find it pretty hard to believe that someone would have to google my blog name to remember how to get here since it is just bitterpudding. So either my readers are retarded (which I refuse to believe since I know all of you are sexy and have super cool ninja moves) or there is something out there called bitter pudding.

According to Google.....people who search for "bitter pudding" tend to be looking for bitter chocolate pudding.

I'm so screwed.

So to those who land here looking for a bitter chocolate pudding recipe, I'm sorry. I know that me talking about how much people suck and fake hymens may not be exactly what you're looking for but I KNOW I'm funnier than Martha Stewart.

As for the Bod Man people.....I have no words for you. Why the hell are you searching for it? Maybe you should land here and get taken to school a bit. Learn a little bit about douchebags and smelling like the old, desperate guy at the club.

News You Can Use! Women Are Bitches Edition

2009-03-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Miss Sassafras and I went and had a bounciriffic time the other day at this super cool place that has nothing but inflatable bouncy things. It was super fun. The plus? Grown ups could bounce with their kids. Which was awesome until I thought I was having a heart attack after five minutes of jumping. I was also the only mom bouncing and was getting the side eye from all the other moms. And you know what? Not my fault that you suck and are too self conscious to get in and get dirty.

After a bit Miss Sassafras decided she was Captain independent and wanted to bounce all alone. I was standing next to a group of woman and was being super polite and smiley and nice and they would have no part of it. I began to draw a conclusion that these women were pretty, jealous whores. Why? Because they looked like moms. You know, bad clothes, light colored high waisted tapered jeans, no makeup and“easy” hairstyle (read short minus product). Meanwhile, I looked fabulous in my stylish top and dark denim with my perfectly made up face and styled hair. Just because you push out a kid doesn’t mean you instantly have to start having a Chico’s kind of a day.

I started to feel really uncomfortable because the woman next to me kept looking me up and down and whispering amongst themselves. I try super hard to not turn into “Mega Bitch Jane” around Miss Sassafras. I’d rather have her believe that I’m always calm and a total lady. I wanted to turn around and step up and by like “What hookers? WHAT?” Then they would be all embarrassed and mutter something about liking my top and I’d be all “Bullshit sluts. I doubt you’re thirsty because you’ve been guzzling haterade. FACE!” Then I would storm away and start bouncing with Miss Sassafras all the while giving them the “I’m watching you” hand signal. Then THEY would feel all uncomfortable and pack their rude ass kids up and leave.
Who’s the winner? ME. That’s right.

On a side note if anyone should have been giving anyone the side eye it should have been me giving it to them. Their nasty ass kids were rude as hell! They would cut line and knock Miss Sassafras out of the way. My chicky cut line once and I snapped her ass into order quick. I told her to wait her turn and go to the end of the line. It’s called parenting. Meanwhile these hens kids spent the whole time being rude while the moms thought it was cute. Guess what? Maybe its cute NOW but lets see how cute it is 10 years from now when your kid is a total psycho and mine is awesome.

Again, I win.

Reason 4, 587 Why I Love Target

2009-03-02T05:12:00.000-08:00

No one even deny the Target love. I mean seriously, when was the last time you went to Target and didn’t spend at least $100. Never. That’s when.

Today reminded me of another reason I love Target. I mean other than the low, low prices and cute, cute stuff. People watching. I was checking out and waiting patiently in line. The woman in front of me whips out her checkbook and I groan loudly on the inside. Such an action typically causes me to consult an calendar and make sure that it is in fact, not 1954. Today it was in fact 2009 but this woman was in her 80’s so who the hell knows. She could have dementia and think its not 1945 for all I know. Who am I to judge? (Shut it).

The old lady asks the clerk how to spell Target. Which completely catches the clerk off guard and she actually pauses to think about it for an unusually long amount of time. Here’s a tip – look at the freakin 4 trillion plastic bags next to you with TARGET emblazoned all over them. I decide to let it mentally slide because how many times do I forget my own zip code and age? Answer? All the time. So I keep smiling and waiting patiently in line. Then the old lady asks the clerk how to spell “twenty.”

The meeting of the minds begins.

These two Mensa members go back and forth for what feels like eternity trying to figure how exactly to spell “twenty.” I, could have, of course, jumped in at any time and assisted but where’s the fun in that? These two go back forth consulting with one another over the placement of the “w” and what have you and the whole time I’m laughing my ass off inside my head. They finally reach a consensus and the check is written.

So, just a side note…..if you can’t fucking spell do not write fucking checks.

I Can't Be the Only One, Right?

2009-02-23T18:12:00.000-08:00

So we live in this lovely little age that has fun things like social networking. Which is great. It's fun to throw sheep at people and send snarky ass flair and letting your friends know every action you make.

But there is a dark side.

I know. SHOCK.

The problem lies in when people want to "friend" you and you have no damn clue who these people are. You investigate them as much as possible and find that they graduated from high school, college or elementary school - whatever- with you. You are drawing a complete blank on this person. You begin to panic and wonder if this person has been holding onto some special bond that you two shared. Which is kind of creepy that after all of these years of NOT talking NOT being friends.....anyway.

I always think that these people see me and begin flipping out "Oh My God there is Jane! We totally had AP French together and we were SO close senior year. Oh man, we had the bestest of times EVER! Oh man, I better friend her immediately!"

Then I get the request and I'm all "Who the hell are YOU? Let me take a look....oh we went to school together? Oh crap.....s/he looks vaguely familiar. .Oh no what do I do?" At this point I tend to vacillate between declining and accepting. Of course accepting gets me every time because I'm hoping that they will give me something, anything that explains just who the hell this person is.

Now I need a Xanax prescription because I'm scared to death that I'm going to run into people at the grocery store or Target who I'm now "friends" with. They'll be all "Jane! SO Good to see you!" I'll be all "WTF?" and throwing candy in my cart then having a total internal panic attack and just have to fake it through the whole thing. You know "Oh you! Hey! How are YOU?"

Of course during the whole conversation I would be trying to figure out how to get the hell out of this conversation. My eyes skirting the landscape looking for any kind of out. I would naturally begin franctically waving to a stranger and announce that "there's my ride - gots to biz-ounce" (because I think its important, when speaking to someone who YOU don't remember to make yourself as annoying as possible in order to ensure that the awkward "hey let me get your number" exchange doesn't happen.) Of course, since its me this person would inevitable follow me and check out right behind me thus ruining my "hey theres my ride" cover when the stranger I'm using begins to run away when I begin talking to them like we know each other. I mean really, why can't people just be cool?

Then I would be trapped in line for some long ass period of time while some person in front of me pays for their stuff in pennies. Thereby sucking me into a longer conversation with someone I don't know and then it gets to that awkward "we should SO get together again - this is JUST like old times." Really? REALLY? Back in high school did we awkwardly run into each other in public places while you corned me to ramble on about your boring ass life? Because if thats the case, no wonder I've forgotten all about you because, I know this may be a shock - but this? This? Not fun.

I would of course feel guilted into giving out my number and would do so. Then I would spend the next week or so freaking out every time my phone rings and refusing to answer calls from unknown numbers. Of course I would only be able to keep up the charade for so long before I would run into the "Unknown High School Chum" again and it would be awkward. But I think I know what I would say - you have to have a plan in situations like this. I would explain that I lost my phone and since I didn't have her number there was no way to call her and explain. Especially since my cell phone is my only phone. Then I would pretend that my new phone was vibrating in my pocket and pick it up and say convincingly "OH NO!" give my "chum" a concerned look and tell her that I have to go right away. I'll have tears welling in my eyes as I run out so that she won't chase me for my new number. Then I simply move to a new town and I'm out of that situation.

This Is Not Pedo Bear Approved- UPDATED

2009-02-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

Alright someone needs to say this and apparently it has to be me.

Guys. When you walk into a Victoria’s Secret could you possibly attempt to not be super fucking creepy? How about you walk in and not give some naughty look to every woman purchasing underwear and bras.

Yes, yes I know. To you these are the sexy little undergarments that you get to see during special times. But guess what? It’s just underwear. No woman has ever skulked around the men’s underwear section of a store giving men the side eye and staring at their junk.

So how about you don’t do that either?

What if you just walked into VS like it was any other store and just purchased what needed to be purchased instead of walking around the store with a big retarded grin imagining every woman in her recent purchases?

And you know what makes it extra creepy? When you are with your teenage daughter.

Yeah.

Think about that for a minute. If you are in Victoria’s Secret being a pervert don’t you think that other guys could be in their having perverted thoughts about your special little angel?

Let that sink in.

So let’s all agree that if you can’t contain yourself for 10 minutes or at least make a reasonable attempt to hide your….um…..lascivious behavior that you do not enter said establishment.

Agreed?

UPDATE: Okay so I was at Victoria's Secret again this weekend making a return. I was strolling around the store to see if there was anything on sale when I heard the following exchange:

Saleswoman: So, I think this should work for you. Did you want to try it on?

75 year old Customer: Yes

Customer's Old Ass Husband: Can I watch?

Theoretically, this is a good thing. Because how cool is it that after presumably many years of marriage this man is still totally hot for his wife's body. But on the practical side, EW.
I was the only person who heard the husband say anything so I look inappropriate when I'm laughing my ass off at the panty island.

You're On Notice Saved by The Bell

2009-02-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

What as the appeal of Zach Morris? The guy was super lame and had the dumbest lines ever yet girls threw themselves at him on a constant basis. Like really? I just don’t get the appeal. Whenever I watch Saved by the Bell I get completely taken out of the story and all I can focus on is why semi attractive woman seem to be falling all over themselves to get some of that. Zach was a total idiot and potentially a sociopath.

And why was it whenever they had a “special” Saved by the Bell (i.e., summer break work, Hawaii) Zach hooks up with some much older girl? What exactly is the age of consent in California, 12? Because I’m pretty sure a 27 year old making out with a 17 year old is not only disgusting but illegal. And seriously what grown ass woman is going to be pulled in by the charms of a sleezy 17 year old? How low is their self esteem? Inexplicably these woman tend to fall in love with Zach and turn to him for some kind of support or help. I mean come on. Is Saved by the Bell just a breeding ground for female sexual predators? Because it seems to me like they are really glamourizing it. I mean, what are we supposed to think its awesome with a 16 year old Zach lands an older chick? Where’s the episode where a 16 year old Lisa falls for a 30 year old guy? Of course that would be a very special episode. Where we would all learn about how older men prey on younger girls and she would end up getting beat up or something. But not Zach he just gets to make out and gets high fives.

I mean even when Kelly was what, 15 and dated the college guy Jeff no one batted an eye. Granted nothing untoward occured since Jeff was busy banging anything that moved that wasn't Kelly. Naturally, everyone was shocked that anyone would cheat on Kelly. Oh right, huge shocker that a 21 year old isn't going to cheat on his 15 year old girlfriend.

Um, what was my point?

Right.

What Saved by the Bell really taught young kids was that you just aren’t cool if you aren’t banging some older dude or chick.

Also it seemed like every show seemed to mention how poor Kelly’s family was yet she was constantly taking fancy vacations and never wore the same outfit twice. WTF Saved by the Bell? What kind of crap is that.

Apparently I Look Super Sexy Holding a Ducky Sippy Cup

2009-02-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

Today was a ridiculously gorgeous day and I took Miss. Sassafras out to ride her bike around the neighborhood. She was all about it and she ended up biking along a main road. I’m following behind her and a guy slows down and woofs at me.

Uh, what?

Woof? Really? Why?

Okay first of all, I’m with a small child so um, yeah….NO. Are you REALLY going to woof at me around a little girl? What the hell kind of bullshit is that?

Secondly, really? WTF is the woof about? I never understood why men feel compelled to shout things out the window at women. What is the expectation there? Am I supposed to abandon my small child and run into traffic and chase down his car and beg him to do filthy, naughty things to me? Because I was in 3 inch wedge sandals and there was no way in hell I was running.

Then about a half block later a guy in another car shouted something about breast feeding him which just made no damn sense. Um, Miss. Sassafras is not a baby she’s 4 years old. Duh, Shouty McDouchebag 4 year olds don’t breast feed. What a dumbass.

I ended up diverting Miss. Sassafras down a back street towards the house because I didn’t think she needed to hear me get bombarded with anymore factually inaccurate or retarded catcalls.

So, Could This Be a Sign of the End Times?

2009-02-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, this website is really disturbing on a few fronts.

1) SERIOUSLY?

2) About 90% of the stuff is something I would totally go for on the first day of my period (yeah I know TMI but whateves)

3) The thought that some culinary mastermind came up with these dishes to begin with is insane to me. These pltes are all the true definition of food porn.

FAIL

2009-01-26T15:21:00.001-08:00

So.....I woke up this morning with this hilarious idea for a post. I was practically peeing my pants laughing so hard at my own humorous genius. Then I sat down later on to write and guess what? No clue what the hell was so damn funny this morning.

If it comes back to me you guys might actually get a real post.

Until then let Holy Taco amuse you with their list of The 8 Worst Types of Retail Employees

You're welcome.

Pistol Whipping Baked Goods

2009-01-21T04:47:00.000-08:00

My BFF is a elementary school teacher and is becoming increasingly frustrated with children. That's all you really need to know here

BFF: I'm so tired of kids

Me: You are in the wrong profession. Can you just like, lock them in the closet or something?

BFF: I think that might be considered illegal. Would you visit me in prison?

Me: I'd bake you a cake with a shank in it. They still let you do that, right?

BFF: You would have to do it like they used to do in Duck Tales, where its obviously something else and the handle is sticking out.

Me: Oh that would so rock. They'd be all "what's with the cake?" and I'd be all "what are you talking about! This was the CAKE PAN SHAPE." Then the guards would feel all embarrassed and not even pat me down, which would be a mistake on their part - because I'd have a gun. Then I'd pull it out and pistol whip the guards and break you out.

BFF: They don't know the power of Jane. All breaking people out of prison and crap.

Me: It's just because I'm such a good friend.

It was a different time, a simpler time, a time filled with easy loving hate.

2009-01-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

What the hell is up with this?

This video raises several questions:

1)How exactly do you tell time with a clock populated with nothing but swastikas? Does it just mean it's Nazi time, all the time?

2) Was Walt Disney an anti-Semite?

3) Why is their a Mickey Rooney "Breakfast at Tiffany's" era Japanese fella in Nazi regalia?

4) Were talking, pantsless ducks considered part of the Master race?

Discuss.

PS Sorry that I'm not technologically fancy enough to embed a video. We all have our limitations.

When Will This Ever STOP Being Funny?

2009-01-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

House: Proving All Doctors Are Incomptent

2009-01-13T04:26:00.000-08:00

I’m going to be brave and just come out and say it.

Every single episode of “House” is exactly the same.

There.

I’ve done what all of you were too afraid to do. That’s right bitches I’m calling out House.

Here is how it goes:

Symptoms present

House and his team meet –they come up with a diagnosis

Someone on the team (House or another member) argues against the majority rule

They break into the patients house (Why can’t they just ask for approval to check it out? Why is it always a B & E?)

They were wrong about their initial diagnosis

The team and House come up with three or four other things that it could be and just treat the shit out of the patient, which of course backfires

The above leads to near death or some sort of surgery that shows them just how wrong they have been all along about what’s wrong

House randomly solves the medical puzzle and the person is totally fine

End of Show.

BAM. That’s it.

Oh and there is always a fight between House and Cuddy.

Why yes, I did just watch a House marathon – why do you ask?

Sometimes I Get My Panties in an Uproar

2009-01-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

Okay.

The “stylist” from Confessions of a Teen Idol looks HORRIBLE.

She is trashing these guys down and she looks like she rummaged her blouse out of the bargain bin at RAVE from 1993 and she is telling people they look “early 2000.”

Yeah.

Note to “Jen the Stylist”: Layered necklaces? OVER. Ruffled, sheer blouses? OVER.

And Jen? Your makeup looks late 1990’s.

Stop with the cunt face and shut it.

PS I’m not mad at Jen for trashing the guys on the shows. I’m mostly mad at her for trashing people for looking bad when she looks TERRIBLE.

PPS I mean seriously, that green ruffled blouse she is wearing I swear I remember digging on that back in 1995 at NY & Company.

PPPS What “celebrities” does she dress? Because I seriously wouldn’t let this bitch dress my dog.

Is Plan B Promoting Promiscuity AND Abortions?

2009-01-11T17:38:00.000-08:00

Now, before the hate emails start pouring in let me just say I’m all for Plan B.
But the commercial? WTF?

So perplexed.

It shows the girls walking up alone – which hi what kind of low rent boyfriend leaves after the condom breaks? Maybe after getting that Plan B you should evaluate the state of your relationship honey. Maybe while swallowing that pill you should be asking yourself “if my boyfriend really loved me would he have bolted the second the condom broke? Would he have run out the door whilst putting on his pants while I sobbed hysterically rocking back and forth?”

FYI – The answer is if you’re boyfriend cared at all he wouldn’t also be banging your best friend.

But I digress.

After presumably taking Plan B they show the girls go about with their lives. One is getting take out and chatting on her phone, another is painting her toe nails and the blonde girl is shopping for books with her boyfriend.

So? Are we to assume that the other girls are just total promiscuous whores who narrowly escaped getting knocked up by the guy that bought them an appletini and a blow job shot?

Because I’m pretty sure that’s what that commercial is saying.

My friends? Not so Good with the "Practical" Advice

2009-01-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

What lies before is the transcript of an actual conversation between myself and my best friend. The context? I was pissing and moaning about looking for a job and she was offering up helpful suggestions:

BFF: Hubby says you need a sugar daddy

Me: Ha! That would be awesome as long as he wasn’t disgusting…wait, why can’t I find a nice, hot, rich guy who is willing to support me in every way?

BFF: Hmmm…take out an ad!

Me: “Lazy girl seeks a man to support her. No weirdos or fatties need apply – just hot, hot, hot men with lots of cash”

BFF: I like it!

Me: I think it should work Wait, I should probably add “no anal”

BFF: Hmm that might be a bit much

Me: No you have to be specific. If I’m not just any fat, sweaty, loaded weirdo looking for anal could come rolling in and no one wants that.

BFF: What if he is a rich, good looking hottie looking for anal? You have to give a little

Me: I don’t know. It would depend on his portfolio.

Can't. Stop. Laughing. (Yes I'm twelve - shut it)

2009-01-05T15:18:00.001-08:00

Please note the caption from fail blog

"Step One: Cut a Hole in the Box."

Which I guess means I also gots to link to this for those who are clueless.

Regardless this image has been making me laugh for ten minutes straights.

Get Drunk Russian Style!

2008-12-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

In order to assist you all with the frivolity of the evening ahead, I have decided to share with you an extra special drink....you're welcome.

Now what makes this drink so special, you may be asking yourself? Why its economical of course! With big, horrible, scary economic news looming around every corner you really, really need to get drunk. But, you need to get drunk on the cheap. Welcome to the after-one-sip-Hi!-I'm-drunk drink.

Items Required:

Vodka
Champagne
Reasonably sized glass or champagne flute

Fill half the glass with vodka and top the rest off with champagne.

This drink doesn't necessarily have a name - but what about Ivan Drago since it will knock you on your ass! (score! Rocky IV reference!)

Enjoy getting wasted on one cocktail!

Impress your friends and fellow party-goers with your smart and economically savvy type of being wasted.

Happy New Year's!!

The Perfect Git for the Girl Who Has Just About Everything

2008-12-22T14:29:00.001-08:00

What's this you ask?

Why it would be an artificial hymen, of course.

Perfect gift for the reformed slut! Or just about anyone!

I mean for only $14.99 who could afford to not buy it?

PS Seriously? Someone INVENTED this. Someone took time out of their day to think "gee I bet people would love to be able to buy an artificial hymen." Is this really the way to start out a relationship but lying and using blood filled plastic to do so?

S-T-O-P For Me

2008-12-17T04:15:00.000-08:00

Dear "Bod Man" Fragrances,

Please stop.

Seriously.

Cease and desist.

I'm guessing your current excessive commerical run has something to do with the holidays and pushing that all important "guido girlfriend market" but please stop.

No one wants your bod. No one.

Your "male fragrance" smells like the creepy old guy at the club. No one wants to smell like that guy and no nubile, young thing wants that.

So, in conclusion, get the hell off my tv and stop showing 45 commercials during one single episode of Family Guy.

Sincerely,

Jane

PS Axe body spray - you're on notice

PPS How much does it say about me that by watching Family Guy I'm in the AXE and Bod Spray demographic?

PPPS Has anyone ever met an actual man who purchased Bod spray or actually wore it? Just curious. It just seems like one of those products that no one buys, yet they continue to advertise. Like Bod spray is some plucky company with an endless supply of cash. Like some guy just had a dream to make a particualrly heinous body spray for men and won't let go of the dream.

PPPPS I totally stole this format from Jenny

A Lifetime Pass to Dollywood PLUS Chicken and Biscuits? Who Would Say No?

2008-12-15T16:17:00.001-08:00

Ever have a day, where you want to punch people in the head everywhere you go? But you can't, because that's felony assault and going to jail really cuts into your loafing and Tivo time?

Today was one of those days for me.

On a day like today I really wish Dolly Parton was my Aunt.

No. Really. Just imagine it. I'm having a bad day - you know when the doldrums are giving you a violent beating and maybe, just maybe, anally raping you. I roll over to Aunt Dolly's. For some reason I see her living in some big ass log cabin in the middle of the woods and envision being greeted by animatronic animals all along her driveway.

Don't judge - this is my fantasy.

I'd walk in and Aunt Dolly would flash a trillion watt smile and say "Hi Honey!" while holding a large basket of biscuits. I would drearily greet her and she'd snap on a concerned face and ask what was wrong. I'd settle in at her big kitchen table, she would fix me a big plate of food (fried chicken, country gravy and biscuits) and listen to all my troubles. When I would finish she would look at me thoughtfully and dish up some down home, back woods, folksy wisdom. You know, like Dr. Phil but without all the jackassery.

After the dishing of down home wisdom she would bear hug me until I nearly burst then send me on my way. I would feel better and wiser after my trip to Aunt Dolly's.

Plus I would get a lifetime pass to Dollywood and she'd probably let me try on her wigs!

What Happens When Idiots Roam Free?

2008-12-11T13:54:00.001-08:00

Today I actually had time to run errands and of course, because my life is glamorous, I get caught behind the dumbest person ever. No seriously. I've never heard such a conversation before in my life.

Let me set the scene.

It's me standing in line at the bank. There are only two tellers (yeah wow that merger has really made my bank better! I'm looking at you TD Bank) and one of the tellers is occupied with something stupid and so is the other teller.

Here is the actual conversation:

Dumbass: Um, so when I like select debit the money comes out of my checking account, right?
(This starry eyed dumb ass is using her debit card as a prop)

Obscenely Patient Teller: Yes, that's correct Miss

Dumbass: But when I like select credit, it comes out of savings, right?

OPT: No. The money comes out of your checking account

Dumbass: But they told me that's how it works! (Her lip begins to quiver)

OPT: I'm sorry it doesn't work that way.

Dumbass: So, um, how does this work again (she is pointing at the debit card)

OPT: The money comes out of your checking account. The money is debited against your account.

Dumbass: [she stands still processing this for a moment] But what about my savings? It comes out when I hit credit.

OPT: [slowly losing her patience] Did you set your account up to work that way?

Dumbass: [who is a minute away from crying] They told me - my savings?

OPT: No, it comes out of your checking account unless you specifically request for it to work differently.

Dumbass: Oh, okay. I'll just use the ATM from now on. This is too confusing!

Indeed.

I had the good fortune of following this, eh, Mensa member out to the parking lot. I watched her walk up to MY car and put her car into the driver side lock. She looks the car up and down. Looks confused. Tries her key again. Looks at the car again. Tries the key again. Frowns. Looks at the car and finally walks away. I watch her walk towards a BURGUNDY civic. Which could easily be confused with my SILVER giant ass SUV.

Some people should not be allowed to leave the house without a chaperone.

Compliment City - Population: Me!

2008-11-29T17:54:00.000-08:00

So on occasion people in my life seriously rock.

A friend of mine (who happened to beta my MS - that would be manuscript for those of you not in the know) called to tell me "You totally have to read this book! This chick sounds just like you! She is so funny just like how you're funny!"

The book?

Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.

That's right I have been compared to Jen. Granted it has not been on a national level or by The New York Times or anything. But this comment did come from one of my more "observationally challenged" friends. So I feel like it's a big deal.

Look, I don't care if you're judging me for being too excited about this. I'm comfortable with my level of obsession it's not really my problem if it makes you uncomfortable.

All I'm trying to say is love ya Jen, you make me laugh so hard that sometimes I seriously think I might die. And knowing that someone felt that way about both my MS and Jen's PUBLISHED NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING book - makes me feel all warm and snuggly inside.

WOO-HOO!

2008-11-28T17:42:00.001-08:00

That's right bitches I KILLED NaNoWriMo!!!!

Yes, my novel is a piece of garbage. Yes it is rattled with plot holes and stuff that makes no sense. Yes the story starts one way and violently veers off in another direction. Yes, it is a terrible book that will likely never see the light of the day.

But you know what?

I DID IT!

I did something that tons of people talk about doing. I wrote a novel. I wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That is unbelievable. I never would have thought that I could write that many words in such a short period of time. But I did it!

This was an amazing experience and was really something to do it and see it through. There were so many times that I wanted to quit or never thought that I would finish. I wanted to walk away so many times but I never did. That is what makes me the most proud. I now feel like I have the perseverance to fight through everything involved in the literary world and make a splash with my first book. I will never give up until my book is on a bookshelf near you.

Now I can get back to having a life and working on my manuscripts that will actually make me money.

WTF Is This Hot Mess?

2008-11-26T18:40:00.001-08:00

NO.

FAIL.

NO AGAIN.

And what is up with the reviews? I mean, seriously?:

“Just had to try them once I saw them. They are easy to apply and last a LONG time. I only use the camo and leopard (haven't tried the zebra-looks a lil bit cheezy on box)”

[Um? Reviewer? They ALL look cheesy on the box.]

“Main reason was the leopard print. I love it and it's tricky to make it look professional, but once you blend it well it looks fantastic!”

[Tricky to make it look professional? Uh, no shit. Unless you work on the corner none of this mess is professional]

“i've heard the ColorOn eyeshadow appliques being talked up, but they are not as good as everyone says. It takes a LONG time to get them on so that they look half decent and for many women with busy lives like me, we just don't have time. Plus, don't you think they look a little weird?”

[The voice of reason.]

If any of you are interested in this $25 Sephora item find it here

Also just in time for the holidays you can get ColorOns in hooker blue decorated with snowflakes

Do You Buy It Dinner First?

2008-11-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

Um, there are reasons that a book is rejected by “traditional” publishers. Sometimes that reason is that something is incredibly fucked up and violently disgusting. This, this would be self-published for that reason.

By the way totally worth the click to read the comments. HILARIOUS.

Do Douchebags Feel Shame?

2008-11-20T12:52:00.000-08:00

Apparently there is this awesome book called “Hot Chicks with Douchebags”

How the release of this book escaped my line of vision is unknown to me and frankly, I’m disappointed in myself.

Believe it or not but the book being in existence is not the most awesome part. I know. I was surprised too. The most amazing part is that a douchebag in the book is suing the author. Which, honestly, just proves that he is a douche.

Why you may ask? Because apparently he did not know that he was a douchebag and is now suffering humiliation at the hands of co-workers, friends, random people on the street, family – you know basically everyone who sees him and shouts “DOUCHE!”

What I think may be escaping this guy is that people were screaming “DOUCHE!” at him before but he wasn’t self-aware enough to realize that they were in fact, talking to him. Now that this book has come out and highlighted for him the fact that he is a douche he is just now seeing how often these shenanigans occur.

Do you guys want to read the quote written about this douchebag in the douchebag book? I know! It is awesome, here you go:

"[Minelli’s] popped-collar, spikey-haired presence was so far beyond regular douche, so far beyond uberdouche, he could spontaneously create a new element on the periodic tables--Douche Nine."

Dude.

His lawsuit is TOTALLY baseless.

Do 5-year-olds like Profanity Laced Stories Featuring Dinosaurs?

2008-11-19T04:10:00.000-08:00

Fella: So what have you been doing today?

Me: Writing. I’m stuck at a place in the novel. I’m not sure what to do with the characters…

Fella: They are 90 buzzards, or is it vultures, no it’s buzzards.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Fella: There are buzzards flying over the road. I think something died.

Me: You do realize that what you said was totally off topic and I had no clue what you were talking about, right?

Fella: Yeah, I know.

Me: Just alerting you to your ADD

Fella: You’re lucky you didn’t know me when I was a kid. I could never sit still. In fact my uncle commented on how much I’ve changed since I was little.

Me: You still run around like an idiot

Fella: No.

Me: Yes

Fella: No

Me: Yes, you do but its not by choice anymore. Oh thank God you aren’t like that anymore. You would be so annoying to date. I would punch you in the head

Fella: Couldn’t catch me

Me: What? Like hell I couldn’t. I was a hyper kid too I know its hard to imagine that now what with all the loafing.

Fella: You just smoked crack. Wait….did they have crack when you were little?

Me: Jesus Christ how old do you think I am? Hello? 80’s was all about crack. I was alive for the entire decade! When the hell do you think I was born?

Fella: 2008.

Me: Pedophile.

I would like to point out that I was completely pissed that this conversation never came full circle back to me. Though later on Fella did recommend that I “throw some aliens and whatever into the book” and helpfully recommended “people like dinosaurs.” You know who likes dinosaurs? 5 year olds. You know what else? Aliens or dinosaurs NOT going to work in the context of my novel that I have in fact been talking about every day. Seriously, Fella is getting Adderall ASAP. Or I’m getting a shock collar I can’t decide which one would be better. Who am I kidding? The shock collar would be WAY funnier.

Real Housewives of ATL VS. I Love New York

2008-11-18T08:53:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Jane and I am a horrible tv addict.

What I mean is that I watch horrible television. I'm not ashamed. There are millions like me out there. Silent. Confused. Scared. Will we be judged for things that are outside our control? We never know.

However I decided to break my silence to bring you this bit that I figured out all by myself.

Okay for all of you who are secretly loving The Real Housewives of Atlanta (you know who you are) you are familiar with Sheree (that is Sha-Ray btw). I was watching the umpteeth marathon the other day when it hit me. I had been feeling like Sheree was familiar to me but I couldn't place it. It was driving me mad. Then I figured it all out (again all by myself).

Sheree sounds and acts EXACTLY like Sister Patterson from I Love New York.

Now don't play. You all KNOW you watched I Love New York and are quite familiar with New York's psychotic mother Sister Patterson.

Well - she and Sheree dead ringers for one another in voice and attitude.

Discuss.

And no, I will not even begin to comment on the delusional mess that is Kim on that show. I just don't have the energy or the time. My guess is that none of you want to read a 24 paragraph diatribe on how badly she needs a reality check and a proper wig.

Excerpts from my Weekly Horoscope

2008-11-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

“Think twice about making off-the-cuff remarks that sound funny in your head but can wound a person's sensitive feelings.”

Note to Astrologers: I have this problem every day of my life. You are just now attempting to bring this to my attention?

Yes, I shall be on the look out this week for my brilliantly hilarious biting commentary to offend someone. Sure, I will stand a diligent watch over every thought that dances across my cerebral plain however, I cannot be held responsible when an errant thought escapes and wounds the feelings of the delicate flowers around me.

Especially if it is wicked funny.

I do have a responsibility to amuse myself and occasionally it must be done at the expense of others.

On second thought this advice is totally wasted on me. Great job "Astrologers"

2008-11-09T05:58:00.000-08:00

Fella: So you're having your make-up thing today

Me: Yup, we're going to Sephora.

Fella: What?

Me: Sephora.

Fella: What?

Me: It's the Home Depot of make-up

Fella: You know I don't know these things.

Me: I don't know what you do when I'm not around. You could cross-dress for all I know.

Fella: Nope. Just run around naked.

Me: Good. Because you would look horrible in a dress. You don't have the legs for it.

Fella: What?

Me: I'm just saying. Not a good look.

I Want! I Want! I Want!

2008-11-08T08:34:00.001-08:00

Oh what's this you ask? Only the most awesome thing ever. This would be the Barbie Candy Glam Style Station

Oh sure the "recommended ages" are 3-8 but what grown woman doesn't want to make her own lip gloss through a blender attached to a Barbie head?

Who I ask? WHO?

You show me one adult woman (or maybe some adult men...I'm just saying) who doesn't squeal at delight at this and I will show you a woman who has no clue how to have a good time.

Agents Rock

2008-11-03T04:46:00.000-08:00

(Please note this post is NOT sarcastic. I'm actually being genuine here)

The road to getting published is a long and bumpy one. It's a complicated process that comes across as completely counter intuitive. It's confusing, tricky and frankly, hard.

When you finish the book thats when the hard stuff starts.

I've been submitting to agents all over this great nation. I want desperately to hit reply on so many rejections. Why? Not to blast them for rejecting my work but to tell them how kind and amazing their rejection letters are.

Seriously.

You should read some of them. They are so encouraging that it makes me want to cry. It also touches me so much when you can tell that the letter is not a "form rejection" (though some of those are great too). For an agent to take a minute out of their insane day to write a personalized rejection it makes me feel like my book has something but its really isn't right for them.

So. thank you agents. You guys are so overworked and so pressed for time and when you take a minute to make sure that your rejection letter is encouraging and nice it makes a big difference to the writer.

Riddle of the Day

2008-10-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

How many police officers do you think are needed for arresting a grocery store shoplifter.

If you said any number more than 1 than you don’t live in my town.

4.

FOUR.

4 cops were needed to “take down” a guy shoplifting at the local Stop and Shop.

Is there really nothing else going on in town? How bored are the cops?

Sure its great to live in a town where the cops aren’t busy fighting crackheads and hookers. But aren’t there some high school kids they could be hassling? Why are 4 cops needed at a grocery store shoplift. It’s not like the guy pushed out a whole aisle.

The best part was overhearing the conversation between one officer and the shoplifter

"Sir. SIR. You walked out of the store with items. No, Sir we don't believe you forgot to pay. Sir, you can't do that."

This snippet made me laugh so hard. Of course the 4 cops bearing down on him made me laugh harder.

Just me?

Good enough.

Living on the Edge

2008-10-29T04:39:00.000-07:00

Non-fiction writers live a dangerous existence. There is a fine line that must be walked.

I am a humorous memoirist. Meaning that I write about all the funny shit that happens in my life. My writing stalls out when I don't have hilarious events occurring fairly regularly.

Right now the funny is nowhere to be found. Granted, I know I allow situations to play out longer than they should. I also tend to stick around when I see something insane going on just to see how it plays out and to see if I can write about it.

Fiction writes gently plot out the actions of their characters. They outline their whole story and get to writing. Doesn't exactly work that way for those of us who live on the edge.

NaNoWriMo Madness

2008-10-28T04:18:00.001-07:00

I'm nuts.

There is this little deal that happens every year called NaNoWriMo. I have joined.

What is it? Well you agree to participate in writing a 50,000 word fiction book in the course of a month.

Uh, I don't do fiction and yet I've joined.

Damn peer pressure.

Well it all starts November 1st.

If anyone is interested www.nanowrimo.org

Join and torture yourself. It's fun!

Can I Get a Witness?

2008-10-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong that how much I care about a story on Unsolved Mystery is inversely proportionate to how attractive or unattractive the actual people are.

I also hate when they bait and switch ya. The folks re-creating the scene are okay looking than you see the real pictures and you think to yourself (or aloud - there's no judgment here. Unless you're ugly) "DEAR GOD. No wonder they died."

I'm just saying. I know I can't be alone here.

I Apologize to Members of Local 235...Unless It Is the Gay Local

2008-10-27T03:56:00.000-07:00

There is some context in this conversation with my fella but I’m too lazy to add it in. So just suck it up:

Fella: I was running around naked today at work

Me: Phst..I doubt it. The guys would have been all “put on some pants, jackass!”

Fella: Not if they were gay

Me: That’s true

Fella: I don’t think I work with any gay guys though

Me: You never know. That guy in the Village People was a construction worker

Fella: He wasn’t a real construction worker

Me: How do you know? Won’t you be surprised when he’s working the next job you’re on.

Fella: Not going to happen. He’s got to be like 65 – he would retired by now. But he wasn’t really one.

Me: Again, how do you know? What if he belonged to some random local…..Local 235.

Fella: Local 235?

Me: Yes. It’s obviously the gay construction worker union.

Fella:

Me: What? They can’t have their own union?

Fella:

Me: Homophobe.

(please note that this conversation made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. Fella laughed too but more so at how hard I was laughing not because of my comedic genius that he refuses to recognize)
Later On…..

Again there is context that would help…but lazy

Fella: I don’t wear the black underwear to work because guys will hit on me.

Me: This is something you consider in underwear choices.

Fella: I don’t want guys distracted on the job

Me: Why the hell would anyone know the difference?

Fella: I already told you, I run around naked on the job.

Me: Maybe you should join Local 235.

(Again my own humor made me laugh myself into a seizure. Again fella was more laughing at me than with me.)

Is This Wrong?

2008-10-26T17:46:00.000-07:00

Is it bad that watching Celebrity Rehab makes me want a drink? Is that wrong? I can’t tell.

Also – what’s the deal with Gary Busey? Why the hell does he think that he’s a treatment specialist? It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that Gary Busey is not clean and sober. I mean really. Does he just not exist in reality with the rest of us?

To crib from Stephen Colbert – Gary Busey – you’re on notice.

Now, about that drink…

What In the Hitchcockian Hell Is This?

2008-10-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Am I blonde, in a 1960’s suit in a coastal town?

No?

Then what the hell is going on outside my window.

There are roughly 100 small birds outside. They are all just sitting in the field, tweeting and probably plotting.

Damn birds.

I know what they are waiting to do.

Look at them, all smug. Just sitting there pretending to search for worms or bugs when we all know they are really hungry for eyeballs and souls.

Bumper Stickers

2008-09-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

What in the hell possesses one to plaster the back of their vehicles with various proclamations?

How much attention do you need? Why do you think it’s imperative for other people to know that you support breast feeding, UFO’s, Jesus or Jesus breast feeding UFO’s?

What goes through your mind? Are you out running errands one day thinking to yourself “if only there was some way for me to tell people everything about me in an abrasive and annoying way. I mean, I can’t be bothered to actually talk to people. I just want everyone to know everything about me….what to do, what to do.” I imagine you then stumble upon a row of bumper stickers. You see a light from Heaven and hear a chorus of angels singing. God himself has shown you the way. You immediately purchase those that reflect your political beliefs, personal beliefs and show off your “sense of humor.”

As a side note here. If you feel that your sense of humor is best reflected in a bumper sticker – hate to break it to you – you are NOT funny.

Bumper stickers just make me want to ram the be-stickered car. I just don’t understand what drives someone to present everything about themselves on their vehicle. No one needs that much information about you. No one needs to be bombarded with your causes and beliefs. I have nowhere to go. I’m stuck behind you and forced to “listen” to you espouse your beliefs.

Guess what?

Fair is fair. Next time I have an overly stickered car in front of me I get to pull them over and force them to sit there for 10 minutes and listen to all of my beliefs. They may not respond. They simply have to sit and listen. Then I get to slap them across the face and black out all the stickers on the back of their car with spray paint.
I think its only fair.

Why Didn't I Write That?

2008-09-22T14:52:00.001-07:00

I read this lovely book this weekend.

The Book of Jane by Anne Dayton & May Vanderbilt

Nathan Bransford, Literary Agent, listed this book as one he wished he agented. Well, now I wish I wrote it. The book is so beautiful. I didn't want the book to end. There are not many books that I can say that about. I devoured this book. I can only hope to incite the same reaction in others.

The book is a modern re-telling of the Book of Job. As a side note, who knew there was Christian Chick Lit?

What I love about this book is how inspiring it is. The main character loses everything but is still able to retain her faith. Like most chick lit books it helps you remember that sometimes things do work out, in real life it just takes longer than 300 pages.

You Can't Knock the Hustle

2008-08-21T08:53:00.001-07:00

The other week I had someone tell me to give up. They told me that I was incapable of "hustling."

To say I was shocked is an understatement.

I have always hustled my entire life. I have always been the girl with a plan. I have always found a way to make something work and to make money. There have been plenty of times in my life that I have hustled my ass off beyond belief.

Right now I'm tired of hustling. I've hustled my entire life. I have consistently worked my ass off since I started school at age 5. I have pushed aside other things and have had a focus that is like a laser. When I have a goal I will do whatever it takes to achieve it. For this person to say this crumbled me. This is someone who has known me for a long time and it just blew me away that this person saw me as lazy and completely unable to work hard.

I am glad this person said what they said because it is pushing me. I now know that I am succeeding no matter what. That I am going to build this and I am going to make money just so I can throw it in their face.

That's a good reason to succeed, right?

This Just About Sums it Up

2008-08-17T19:31:00.001-07:00

And don't forget bitter.

So I guess it would be bitter, drunk and full of pills.

That works.

Really?

2008-08-12T08:33:00.001-07:00

Okay this is supposed to be a blog about my empire building and me stumbling and falling on my face along the way but something happened today that requires an outlet.

When I was in high school I had a best friend, like most girls. She and I were close as sisters. We experience lots together, we laughed, we cried...you get the point. In our early 20's she began dating a truly deplorable human being. He was isolating her and hated me. This is fine with me as I often fantasized about beating him to death with a rolling pin. Fair is fair, right?

This scumbag started beating up on my darling best friend. She eventually garnered enough strength and broke up with him. Shortly after this breakup he called her and said he was pulled over on the side of the highway with a shotgun and he was going to kill himself. I told her he was just emotionally manipulating her and if she was concerned she should call the highway patrol and give them his license plate and tell them that he is threatening to kill himself. That's it. Done. Instead she hopped in her car and sped off to find him.

At this point I decided that maybe this was a little too much. I spoke to her and told her that I could not watch her self-destruct. That this guy was ripping her apart and tearing her down. I could not stand by. It was killing me to watch this beautiful woman being treated this way. I gave her an ultimatum, I told her she could either have our friendship or continue to date this guy. She would have to choose and she could not have both. She ultimately chose him. This absolutely broke my heart. What was more painful was that her mother would call me all the time hysterical over how this guy was treating her daughter. She no longer recognized her daughter and would plead with me to intervene. It hurt me so badly to explain to her mother that her daughter had made her choice.

Over time her mother drifted out of my life but this friend never left my mind. I often wondered what had happened to her and if she had ever found the courage to leave that relationship.

A little over a year ago I received an email from this friend. She told me that she had often thought about me and was looking to restart a friendship. Her life was in a far better place. She was married and had just had a baby. I happily replied and we picked our friendship back up. We met for dinner and caught up on our lives. During our time apart her life had apparently taken a large downward spiral. She eventually left the abusive boyfriend but caught up in several more abusive relationships before she finally started dating a male friend who is now her husband. We talked about the breakup of our friendship. She said that she always felt that I was mad at her and was waiting for me to come back around and forgive her. I told her that I was waiting to her from her that she had let go of this guy and realized the importance of our friendship.

She and I spent more and more time together and I started to realize something about her. She was the same person she was when our friendship had broken up. Here she was married with a child and still thought about trying to run away. She was unsatisfied with her life and wanted to break out. I was shocked at her admission. She chose her life. What ultimately came out was that she “settled” on her husband because she knew he would take her out of situation (living at home under her parents thumb). She got pregnant because she knew it was the only way her parents would let her leave their home. Needless to say I was floored. She admitted that she wasn’t in love with her husband but that her life allowed her to be away from her parents.

Shortly after this confession I decided that maybe she was not a good person to have in my life. Things naturally faded away between the two of us. I thought it was the best. Then today I received another email from her (almost a year after things fell away). Again she wants to retake up the friendship and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if a part of me feels guilty and feels that I owe it to her to start the friendship again. I know that she still is probably not the best person for me to have in my life. Not too long ago I did a serious deep cleaning of my life and removed all of the negative people. I have so many things moving forward in my life (I just started my own business and I’m writing a book) where I know I need to surround myself with as many positive, happy people as possible. I need people who are going to be truly supportive and truly happy for me as I move forward through my successes.

I want to ignore this email but it feels wrong to provide no response. I just don’t know how to tell someone that they are wrong for me and wrong for my life. I just don’t know how to say it in a way that’s not mean. I guess the kindest thing I can do here is just to ignore her altogether.

BLOCKED

2008-08-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

Writers block.

Dammit. AGAIN.

I suppose this is the ebb and flow that goes with being a creative person. There are days when I can barely do anything because it just flows out of me. There are days when I can barely finish a shower because the moment I get in a totally brilliant paragraph, sentence or thought enters my head and I have to leap out in order to capture my thoughts.

Sadly, today is not one of those days. I can barely keep a thought in my head for a moment let alone long enough to really contemplate anything or form any brilliant sentences or paragraphs. I hate these moments. It feels like a mental drought. As much as I want to keep plugging away it just seems pointless since nothing I'm writing is good and is barely coherent.

Ugh. I suppose tomorrow is another day.

Replace Water Boarding

2008-08-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Do you have any idea the level of torture it is to write about a past relationship in the present tense? Like they should consider replacing waterboarding with talking about your ex in the present tense. Those terrorists would turn so fast.

It makes me throw up in my mouth to write sentences like "I love him SO much.". GAG. NO. SUCK.

It was one thing for me to write about the breakup. Everyone wants the opportunity to paint their ex as the horrible mustache twirling villain at the end of the affair. Luckily I got to do so and it was also an accurate depiction. Only difference? I wasn't tied to the railroad tracks with some heroic savior just in the distance. I was tied to the railroad tracks with the train barreling down while he laughed. Asshat.

Writing about the beginning of the relationship, not so much fun. I've had to switch my thinking and think from my "characters" perspective in that moment not my perspective months and months later. Initially it was really hard to write those things. I think right now I just feel so removed from it that it does feel like two characters I've dreamed up. Not actual, real experiences I went through.

All I can hope is that adding these things into my book will make it a richer, better book.

Getting Real, Y'All

2008-07-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

So, I’m writing this book all about my crazy ass time at the matchmaking agency. I gave the book to some people whose opinions I trusted and respected. One of my amazing friends suggested that I work on character development. I said okay but, didn’t really understand what she was talking about. Then verses hit me. Sentences came pouring into my mind first thing in the morning. I began to see what she meant. I never got real with myself while writing the book. I was protecting myself. I was afraid to look bad, stupid or foolish but I realized that this experience was all things bad, stupid and foolish. How could I leave that out?

It’s hard to admit when you’ve made mistakes and it’s even harder to do so in print especially, when you plan on having people purchase your book. My amazing friend did point out that people will see me as a character. I guess that’s better. Wish me luck as I dive down into the dregs.

I Want to be Jen Lancaster

2008-07-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I might be slightly obsessed. I have voraciously read every memoir by Jen Lancaster and I can’t get enough. She is the funny, smart ass friend that everyone wants. I desperately want to sit down with her, drink martinis and be snarky. I will happily sport her trademark pink and green and pearls if it meant being able to have her attention for 10 minutes (however, I can’t wear the Crocs. Sorry Jen, I just can’t).

My biggest dream would be getting her to read my memoir and provide a quote for my book jacket. I think I could die unbelievably happy if that happened.

I’m in awe of her. I relate so much to the experiences that she has had and am able to find a piece of myself in each of her books (can we talk about how I too, sported a Prada bag to the unemployment office. Granted mine was a knockoff but a REALLY good knockoff).

I can only hope that my writing is as funny. Jen Lancaster and Chelsea Handler are the only two writers that have made me laugh out loud and practically pee my pants. I can only hope that one day people will place me in that same category.

Suck it Jesus, Jen Lancaster is my God now.

If you haven’t read any of her books check them out and keep a dry pair of pants around because you will laugh til you pee.

Bitter is the New Black

Bright Lights, Big Ass

Such a Pretty Fat

Her website is : www.jensylvania.com

What The...

2008-07-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

After months of putting up with some major nonsense at my place of employment(a major, national Matchmaking agency) I decided to leave. I initially used the excuse of wanting to make things better with my boyfriend (who was also my boss, yes I’m a naughty, naughty girl. I know). My boyfriend and I decided to take a break. I was talking to him about what would make things better between us. I knew we needed space. We lived and worked together. We rarely had any time apart and we were definitely getting under each others skin. I asked if he felt it was time for me to leave the company. Keep in mind I had wanted to leave this job for MONTHS. The decision never had anything to do with him, but now that we were “on a break” the opportunity to get the fuck out of dodge presented itself. I’m not one to leave a cherry opportunity sitting on the table.

The next day I called my recruiter and submitted my resignation. I gave the owner a month’s notice. I figured it would be more than enough time for them to find someone new. I told the owner that if they didn’t find someone I would be happy to work on a part-time basis until a candidate is hired. I went along my merry way. I figured if nothing else this break would help get my relationship back on track and leaving the company could only help matters. I was very excited. I was depressed about the break but I really felt deep down that leaving the company would make our relationship work.

I awaited phone calls from my recruiter. None came. I struck out on my own and submitted lots and lots of resumes. I got a few bites. By my last week I had nothing. I was really panicking. I was worried I had made a bad choice and maybe I just needed to stay and ride this thing out. Fortunately, before I threw myself off the ledge I got a call about a great job. The pay would be enough to get me my own place and fully support myself no problem. Things were definitely looking up. I knew I would have one more paycheck so I would be totally covered. I set about finishing my last week like a total rock star. Then the unexpected happened.

During the whole break between me and my boyfriend we were in constant communication. He would call me all the time and tell me how much he still loved me and how he didn’t want me to move on. I was torn. Something inside of me was telling me that something wasn’t right. I felt like things were over but everything he was telling me was different than what I was feeling. I just accepted what he was saying and pushed my own feelings down.

On my second to last day a particularly annoying employee was fired. I left the office during lunch to go run some errands. When I got back in the car I saw that I had missed calls on my phone. The number was unknown to me so I had no clue who had tried calling me 5 times. While looking at the phone it lights again with the same unknown number. I answer. It’s the fired employee. She tells me that she has something to tell me. My stomach drops. She goes on and on about how I was so nice to her and that I’m a genuinely good person and that she didn’t want to see me be made a fool of. Uh, don’t like where this is going. She told me that my 38 year old boyfriend was dating the 19 year old salesgirl. I was floored. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I hung up with the fired employee and called my ex-boyfriend. He admitted it and shouted it at me in the middle of the office. He then went on to tell me all of my faults (imagined, naturally). He told me I was weak and pathetic. I was PISSED.

I stayed out of the office for over an hour. I was so mad. I knew I was going to have to compose myself before going back to the office. There was no way in hell I could face anyone at this moment. I sat in the parking lot and just tried to cool myself off. Finally I felt composed enough to go back to the office. On the drive back I decided that I was NOT going to let this shake me. No way in HELL was this asshole and his child/girlfriend going to get the better of me. What a fucking liar. All this time he has been cooing at me about how much he loves me and how I need to be patient with him. Oh no, baby don’t move on just give me some more time. Right. Asshat.

I walk back into the office with my head held high. If anyone should feel like the pathetic loser it should be the 38 year old banging a girl a year older than his daughter, not me. I sat down and got to working. The ex-boyfriend hovered over me all day. I wanted to stab him in the neck with a pencil. I refused to let him get to me. I kept my head down and continued to work.

I eventually found out that he was trying to get with this child during the last few weeks we were together, which made sense, in hindsight, since his behavior changed dramatically a few weeks before we went on our break. Obviously he was trying to act out in hopes that I would leave him. Too bad that plan didn’t work. What a complete dirtbag.

I knew that if I didn’t find another job that I could have stayed on and worked until I figured something out. Now there was no way in hell I was going to watch his child/girlfriend strut her ass around the office like she was the queen bee. I would take her down and him too if I stayed. That would definitely mess up my plan to be Grace Kelly until I walked out the door. For some reason I doubt Grace Kelly ever curbed a bitch.

On my last day I was thrilled. I wanted desperately to be done with this awful, awful place. During the night I had a total moment of clarity. This was all for a larger purpose. This place was killing me. Everyone was so negative and I found myself being pulled down by all of their horrible behaviors. It was so much easier to be a bad, miserable person than to be my usual happy, positive self. I felt vibrant and really, really happy on my last day. I felt like myself again. I realized I had been pulling this shelf of my former self into the office everyday for the past 7 months. Finally I was free to be myself again.

I spent the last day tying up loose ends and trying to stay away from my ex. At one point I sat down with the owner and thanked him for the opportunity to work for him and let him know how much I appreciated his kindness while my boyfriend and I dated. He is a super private person and he let me into his life; I wanted him to know it didn’t go unnoticed. He paused and told me that I dodged a missile. Whoa. Apparently the ex had no allies.

When I walked out of the office that day I felt so much relief. I was done. I was really, actually, completely done with this place and these people. I was SO happy. I could have run 36 miles if need be. I was so excited. Nothing was going to get in my way. I was going to carve my path if it killed me. I was going to have a more amazing life than I could even imagined. I just knew that things were going to get amazing and get amazing fast. How could they not? I was smart, funny, ambitious and ready to work my ass off for whatever came my way.

Operation: Get This Stuff Going

2008-07-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months I have been valiantly working on getting my life up, running and belonging solely to me. After I left the disastrous matchmaking agency (story to follow) I decided that life was taking me down a particular path. Never before had I had such a surge of creative energy. I spent days working tirelessly. I finished my memoir about working at the matchmaking agency and finished all the work related to my business. I did this all in record time. I would wake up early in the morning and work until late at night. I was exhausted but exhilarated. Every word and every action I took was for me. It was all to build up my own life and start something that was totally mine.

It took over a month for me to get everything together for my business. There was a lot of writing and planning to be done. Plus, since I refused to pay the insane charges of web developers (5 grand for a website, really? REALLY?) I had to teach myself HTML. That was definitely trial and error. However once I got the hang of it I had a website up and running at the end of a weekend. Yes, I do in fact rock.

I was building an empire. I just knew it. I had visions of Oprah declaring me the best thing to happen to women since her. I saw my website being featured in magazines and really important websites. I saw myself decked out in amazing clothes having everyone wanting my opinion. I saw big, fat checks flying in from every which way. I saw opportunities pouring in. Really? My own fashion line….well, if you insist. Book deals? Why thank you. Like I said, I do in fact rock.

So with visions of fabulousity dancing in my head I pushed forward. I figured as soon as I went “live” that visitors would clog the bandwith. I had my little website tracker up and was waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I figured something had to be wrong. It was saying that only a few people looked at the site. There is no way. People are supposed to be losing their damn minds and forwarding it like it’s hot. Why is no one forwarding it like its hot? Did the fabulousity sear their eyeballs and render them immobile? Yes. Let’s go with that. Obviously no one can forward my website with their seared eyeballs and being left in a catatonic state. Okay, so maybe I need to wait until everyone returns to their senses.

Still nothing. Asshats.

Eventually a bit to come through. Thank the Lord above. My aunts boss needed someone to talk to people in the office about how to dress professionally. She recommended me. I was so excited. I could see this totally rolling into a big huge thing. I would be the international super star or corporate dressing. Human Resources departments would clamor for my expertise. Begging me to come, at any price, just to hear what I had to say about dressing in the corporate casual urban environment. Oh, I can see it now. Me in fabulous outfits with a room full of women all dying to know my secrets to looking amazing all the time. Their attention would be rapt and they would take copious notes. While it would be informative it would be above all else fun. Everyone could laugh at themselves and see the mistakes that they make. I would assess women right then and there. There would be no tearing down to build them back up. It would be build up only. I would point out everyone woman’s best qualities and teach them to dress.

With renewed energy I set about making the most kick ass presentation possible. I have to thank a former boss here. His obsession with all things computer related certainly taught me a thing or two about Power Point. After some contemplation I finally settled on creating a lookbook. I would show them rights and wrongs – mostly rights. The presentation would be chock full of amazing information and be funny. I spent weeks slaving over creating the perfect presentation. On the day of the presentation I was certain that I had the most amazing presentation ever. I knew what I had to say would blow the girls away. I knew it would be life changing for them and hopefully for me as well.

The presentation did go amazingly well. Everyone took notes and asked great questions. It basically erupted into a total girl fest. We were all laughing and trying to help one another. It was great. Real women helping women camaraderie and I had fostered it all. I was so excited after the presentation. I was worried that people were just being polite until lunchtime. The HR Manager told me she learned a lot and was really pleased with the whole experience. SCORE.

Now its just a waiting game. I’m waiting for her to hire me to go out to another one of their offices to do my presentation. I’m waiting for her to spread the word about my fabulousity. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine.